Review of the year

It's the last day of the year and so I'm counting my blessings.

In the year I recovered from cancer, I also :

* Appreciated what a great family I have. ( And how much I love them all)

* Made some new friends and learned to value my old ones even more. (Thankyou - you know who you are!)

* Was made redundant. (But got a nice payout.)

* Started a new job. (And discovered that not only am I enjoying something new, but I may be quite good at it!)

* Had my first poem published (In a proper poetry magazine.)

* Learned to love All Things Apple. ( Beware Geeks bearing gifts..)


And there, all the time was J.


Maybe not such an an/nus horribilis after all eh?

Bonding

Al, Moi, Chris and Michael
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

Out last night with friend C and his family to see the new James Bond film and then for a meal. ( This is with him and his sons)

His mum, brother and I are all at various stages of cancer recovery ( current, past, recent respectively) - just goes to show how much of it there is about - and how you can still have a great time without really mentioning it!

Not sure if the new treatments are working yet - maybe I'm less sore but maybe that's wishful thinking.

Lotions for Motions...

Sorry - couldn't resist...

I went to see the doctor this afternoon. He says my soreness might be thrush so I've been given more lotions. There's also a possibility that I've got an abscess but he thinks not.

Funny - this is one of the more minor aliments I've had during the year, but it's also one of the more uncomfortable

Boxing Day

IMG_0741.JPG
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

A lovely evening with J yesterday - as you can see.

Feeling rather uncomfortable today though - the rich food of Christmas makes me very sore - I think I may have to go back to the doctor for more advice.

Christmas Morning...

...and once again, a very Happy Christmas!

Mine's going to be fairly quiet today - J is with her family, but will be over tomorrow. I seem to be up early anyway - not because of any particular Christmas Excitement ( or even better, not because of any discomfort) - I just am.

Still - it's a bit early to put the duck in the oven eh...?

Pass The Parcel

I made an appointment to see my doctor this morning - not because anything was wrong - just that I wanted to check that all the signs and symptoms I've still got are to be expected. He was very reassuring - another person who reminded me that I'm only five weeks after surgery!

Two busy days away this week so far but I took a relaxed attitude to them ( and some very early nights! ) and that seems to be paying off. Today was fairly steady working at home - the annual corporate game of Pass The Parcel where everyone tries to leave you holding a job to do when you get back in the new year….

So - now I'd better get on with trying to feel festive!

Happy Christmas!

...and a great new year to everybody!

I'm sure I couldn't have got through the last one without the love and support of you, my friends and family. So - thank you all!

While I was ill, I also had a lot of help and support from Beating Bowel Cancer and so I've decided that, instead of sending Christmas Cards this year, I'd make a donation to them instead. I'd be delighted if you wanted to do the same.

However, whatever the format of the greeting, my wishes for a great Christmas and a prosperous and healthy new year are just as sincerely meant.

Happy Christmas!

Lots of Love

Simon xx

Taking Time Off

I've been overdoing it. I went out for a drink and a meal with C in Newcastle last night. Had a great time and a good catch up, but by the time I got back to Durham I was in a bad state - a very upset tummy. No taxis to be found at all. Miserable.

In the end, I phoned J and bless her, she drove up from her house and picked me up, took me home and made me a cuppa. I feel a lot better this morning - and a bit silly. But as she says, that's what friends are for.

My own fault - a big meal and a bit more wine than I'm used to drinking and , well, frankly the combination proabably made me forget that I still have to look after myself.

Going to take it very easy today. Christmas on hold till tomorrow.

On the Cards

Funny how this blog is getting harder to write. I've never quite/just wanted it to be a catalogue of ailments and My Cancer stories - or a diary. But for a long time it's just "worked" - a mixture of those things.

I don't even know who all my readers are now. Maybe I never did - a lot of you are there but silent. Your Christmas Cards tell me that.

Talking of cards - I took the last of my Get Well Cards down tonight. I think all this might be part of my return to Normality - I'm not sure I want to be on display like this. Not as a Cancer Survivor - or whatever I am.

But as me.

Sparkling

Back from two separate trips to London/Birmingham tonight. It was tiring but I really only started feeling really uncomfortable on the train home this evening. ( I'll spare you the gory details.) I also discovered that I still have to really careful with what I carry - the muscles in my tummy were really sore after carting my laptop bag around all day.

But at least when I got home the house was sparkling. The Merry Maids had been!

Slowdown

My new porridge and stodge regime seems to be working. Things are a lot easier now - but I think I'm going to try to make an appointment to see my GP anyway before Christmas just to check that he agrees that all is OK.

And at work also a feeling that the Christmas Slow Down has started already! Ironic, given that I've only been back at work a week! Of course, it's all relative - I'm in Birmingham tomorrow and London on Wednesday...

Dead Poets

To the Colpitts Christmas Party with J last night - and the Dead Poets Competition. Basically - dress up as a Dead Poet, read a bit of their work and challenge the others to guess who you are. (I won it two years ago as Thomas Hardy.)

( A note to overseas readers: This sort of thing passes for Fun amongst the English Middle Classes…)

This year, J went as Anne Sexton and I went as Olip Mandelshtam - and we came second! ( Bit miffed to be beaten by Kingsley Amis actually - but we were magnanimous - and quietly bitter - in defeat.)

A freezing cold wait for a taxi in Durham but eventually home - where we were both overtaken by bad stomach cramps! Bad wine? Sausage rolls? Who knows? But not pleasant at all.

We woke late and gingerly this morning to something near recovery and then went off for a lovely walk in the cold autumn sun . I was very tired at the end of what was probably a 2 mile walk and my tummy was quite sore, but at least I know I can do that sort of thing again. It's all about retrieving normality isn't it?

I did have all sorts of plans for shopping and stuff today but I've decided to take it easy today and try to start fresh early tomorrow.

Feeling Better

After last night's debacle, I actually had an undisturbed night once I went to bed at about 1.00am. Everything seems much more settled this morning.

Dry toast for breakfast, I think!

PS: Looks like there's a slightly different version of the blog software now. Seems OK so far.

One Year On

When I started this blog over a year ago I said that it wouldn't always be nice. I've kept it fairly safe for a long time I know.

But that All Bran thing today was SO stupid! I've spent most of the evening on the loo and in a lot of discomfort - not much expectation of a full sleep tonight. Only myself to blame but I still feel let down - Lord knows by whom. The Powers That Be...?

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of being told I had cancer. J and I in that little room with Mr B. The whole treatment thing laid out. And now, a year later I've done it - not always with good grace - but I did it. Radiotherapy. Surgery. Ileostomy. More surgery. Chemotherapy. Reversal.

Maybe that's why it's so hard to be stoic at the moment - I want to get on with my life now. I expect that I should be able to - and yet I know there's so much more to go.

This is the hardest bit of all - trying to return to full normality. Being patient.

Occupation

Avoid All Bran! It's Bad Thing for Such as I!

I thought it would make things er.. easier. It didn't.

ho hum - you live and learn...

Preoccupation

Well - morning came d*mn quick today! I slept the sleep of the er.. sleepy.

Pretty busy working at home today, but I've just realised that I've NOT spent most of the day pre-occupied with when I'm next going to the toilet! Has to be a good sign..?

And now it's teatime and I suddenly feel a bit low. Tiredness I suppose.

Birmingham

Well - I made it - there and back. As far as I could tell I was functioning OK - and I was physically and mentally comfortable. But it's hard nonetheless - I'm paid well to do a difficult and stressful job and that doesn't go away. Good to see colleagues though and I think they were pleased to see me.

The trick now is to try to not get totally immersed in it this week - I AM trying to be part-time after all! Try to make it through gently till Christmas. ( Remind me about that! )

Glad of white wine tonight though!

Back to Work Again

Blimey! I'm exhausted! All I've done is checked and responded to three weeks' worth of emails and had a long catch up call with A my other Director colleague. I'd just forgotten how mentally tiring it can be as well as physically - and how it can suck you in to doing too much too soon.

I also had to pop up to Newcastle to get a jacket and trousers for work tomorrow so I suppose that might have contributed. I won't even tell you my current waist size - apparently abdominal distention is a common, and usually temporary, side effect of this surgery. I do recall having it last time but of course I wasn't trying to fit into work clothes so quickly then.

So - Birmingham for the day tomorrow. A 5.00 am start. I should probably go to bed now!

Liver Scan Clear!

I just had a call from Mr B my consultant. Really nice of him to take the trouble to call me - and on a Sunday as well! As I'd already guessed, he said that the liver scan that I had last week was clear. He also said that he'd been talking to one of the stoma nurses who I'd phoned for advice last week and wanted to check how I was. He said that it sounded like everything was going well and that the few things I was getting a bit concerned about were all to be expected.

A quiet day here - torrential rain and wind makes it difficult for me to get up the energy for the walk I'd promised myself...

Home Alone

Mum and G went home earlier this morning and later, J. She and I went into Durham this morning to try to get me some new trousers for work ( I've er... temporarily put on a bit of weight and I just need to be comfortable at the moment ) but there wasn't anything I liked and anyway it was chocca with Christmas Shoppers. ( That's it - I'm doing it all online this year! )

Last night we went to hear Elaine Feinstein read in Durham - she was excellent. Mum was hoping to come but her leg is still playing up and it would have been a bit too much for her.

So now I'm at home on my own - looking forward to a quiet weekend and will decide tomorrow how, if and to what extent I'm going to go back to work next week. I want to start re-engaging with it but I don't really want to dive straight back in at the deep end.

But I'm definitely feeling a lot better now - I think that I improve when I'm moving around a bit more. It's not very comfortable trying to hold off going to the loo so often but it is beginning to get easier. I felt I had a positive bounce in my step in Durham earlier!

The other thing I've just realised is that I've been keeping this blog for a year as of yesterday! Amazing. At some point soon I feel that I have to decide how long I'm going to keep this particular blog regularly updated. When do I decide that I'm postcancer and so a cancerblog isn't really appropriate.? ( Sad to say, I think I've got the blogging bug so I won't stop doing it - I'll either just resume the old one or start something new.)

Certainly not quite yet - maybe the new year?

A Far Far Better Thing....

Mum at Cliff Richard Concert
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

Well - I did it. I actually went to a Cliff Richard Concert with my mum! Of course it was fine - not really my thing but a very professional show and enjoyable for that. It was nice to be out with her too of course.

G went to see the new James Bond...

I was pretty much OK healthwise ( a bit sore but nothing too bad ) but it took it out of mum and her leg was really playing up by the time we got home. It's still rather sore this morning.

Drove the car for the first time earlier today - just a short trip but it was fine.

Confession

A bit of an uncomfortable night last night - an upset tummy and generally restless. But the wound seems to be sorting itself.

Anyway - the confession. For Christmas last year I bought my mum two tickets for a concert in Newcastle by one of her favourite performers. Since then, I've obviously not been well and she has been ill herself and on a number of occasions it's looked like we might not be able to go.

But we're both a lot better now and the concert is tomorrow night. She and G are coming up this afternoon for a few days.

I shall be wearing a paper bag over my head...

Chelsea Hotel

A better day today. The wound is still playing up a bit but I'm really just leaving ito its own devices. A nice visit from D who was on her way back to Kent from some mutual friends' late wedding party. I'd been invited but didn't feel up to it.

And a lovely evening last night with J and her daughter D who came over and cooked my dinner which was great. We also began planning for the trip to New York I'd promised myself for when I was better. J,B,D and me! Brilliant! Hopefully we'll go in mid-February for my birthday which will coincide with D's 21st. I'm just beginning to check out flights and accommodation - but I really want to stay at The Chelsea Hotel!

Saturday

Feeling a little bit low today. Somehow I've picked up a cold so I'm snuffling all over the place and my wound isn't healing as quickly as I'd hoped - it's still seeping a bit, in spite of having the stitches out yesterday. If it's not sorted by Monday, I'll go back to the hospital and ask them to have a look at it. The nurse at the surgery yesterday wasn't concerned so I'm sure it's nothing.

On the positive side, my tummy seems to be settling a bit. The beans yeterday don't seem to have had any adverse effect.

I hope to be blogging about jollier stuff soon!

Light Blue Toiletpaper...

Stitches out this morning. About a dozen I think. All very straightforward.

The improvement continues - I'm still up a lot in the night which is irritating and having to pop off to the toilet about 10 times a day but I feel I'm getting sorted.

Decided to risk my first beans on toast for ten months for lunch today.

Time will tell...

Going Commando....

Up early this morning for the taxi to the hospital for my liver scan. Nothing to worry about - this is part of the ongoing monitoring process - the secondaries from bowel cancer usually appear in the liver. Basically just an ultrasound scan - the doctor said it looked fine to him, but he'd do the report for Mr B my consultant for when I see him in about six weeks.

Then another taxi to do some shopping ( I'm obsessing over haddock chowder at the moment!) and home an hour ago. Feesl like I've done a full day already!

A good night's sleep and I must have er... lost some wind in the night becasue I can get my trousers on now. Other stuff a bit more regular now - so much so that I took the chance and went nappyless out in to the world this morning. No problems - it's really a matter of getting my confidence back.

The operation site is still quite sore - to be expected I suppose. I have the stitches out on Friday morning.

Home

I got home yesterday afternoon at about 4.00pm. A few catch up calls with family and a lovely lovely bath and J came over at about 6.00. It was so nice to sleep in my own bed last night!

A fairly good night ( up may be four times) and a long lie in after J left this morning.

Overall, I feel so much better then I did on coming out of hospital last time. But I know that that means I have to be even more careful and take things really slowly.

My tummy is still puffed out with wind, which is er...dissipating slowly - lord knows what trouser size I am at the moment. I certainly can't do up any waist bands! Things are also very irregular and I'm still wearing the nappy at night ( much to J's amusement) but I've had no accidents so far. I'm really only eating soup and yoghurt at the moment, although later I mght try one of the mince pies that J left yesterday. I still can't say I'm that hungry though. Funny when I've got such a big tum!

Thank you so much for all your good wishes and messages. I'll catch up on individual emails during the week.

Today, I'm taking it VERY easy...

Touch Wood...

..I should be home later today. My bags are packed - just waiting for The Word.

Feeling good.

Hospital - Day 6

Still feeling a bit sore and my tummy is still all over the place but am definitely on the mend. Originally they said I might go home yesterday but I had really bad stomach cramps so they kept me in. Today they say that my temperature's a bit high..

No point fretting about it.

One hint for others going through a reconnection - don't eat to much too soon - no matter how hungry you feel. Trapped wind is no joke at all!

A Patient's Lot is (not a) Nappy One

Day Three. Felt really uncomfortable when I went to bed last night but actually slept very well and woke feeling good this morning.I'll spare you the gory details of how I am postop. Suffice to say, nothing has settled yet...

Thanks for all your good wishes.

Day Two

I think I did a bit too much this morning - although that really only comprised a shower. As a result I've spent most of the rest of the day sleeping. But if I was able to look back through this blog to last time, I know that I'd see that I was just the same then. My temperature is up a bit but that also happened last time. Feeling OK overall.

Bedblog

Had the operation this afternoon. Am feeling very sore but otherwise 0K.

Mr November

I just got the call from the hospital. There'll be a bed ready for me at 2.00pm.

Last bag changed this morning - no real sense of ceremony, just glad it's ending.

This is it then - I've waited nine months for this.

Closure.

In Neutral

It's official - I now wear glasses for reading! After two years of denial ( and a pair of cheap off the shelf glasses) I had an eye test yesterday which confirmed what I've known for a while. So I put in an order for some real prescription reading glasses which'll be ready by the time I come out of hospital.

A lovely evening with J yesterday. She's been suffering with a tooth abscess which is really painful but it was so good to see her. We played around editing videoclips to go with a piece she's written ( until the software complained - you know how it just goes flaky through overuse? Fine again this morning) and then went out for a nice pub meal.

The stoma has been playing up a bit - sore and achy. The nurse a few days ago thought that it may have herniated a bit which would probably explain things. But its days are numbered...

Today has been quiet (S suggested that it might be like being "In Neutral" - a good description) with calls/emails to friends and family and thinking about what to pack for hospital. (All those trousers I'll be able to wear again afterwards!)

I have to call the hospital at lunchtime tomorrow to find out about my bed so I'll blog in tomorrow morning before I go.

But I'm feeling good.

One Small Step

Not so much a comment on tomorrow as an idea for a video/poem that I've been working on for a while:

Now We Are 5000

While I was away, I passed 5000 hits on the blog! Thanks everybody!

So. Home again. The last weekend with The Bag. (I may have changed it for the last time this morning but it's been playing up so much that I'm keeping quiet about that for the time being...)

A nice evening out last night at my old company's reunion Good to see people - and even though I'm not really a reunions sort of person I'll probably go if they hold another one. Everyone said how well I was looking...

I was going to have my usual counselling session with JF this evening but she has a bit of flu and we agreed that it would probably be better if we didn't meet up. I couldn't bear to be refused the op because of not being well enough! Still, it was a shame not to see her.

It's very cold here tonight so I think I'll have a cosy night in. Maybe just venture out for some Fish and Chips!

Reading the Leaves

Rupert Clamp's tea leaf landscape sculpture
Originally uploaded by grewlike.

Topsy says that these tea leaves augur well for next week. Thanks!

Reporting In from London

On Monday night, for the second night running the bag leaked. Is it trying to tell me something - or am I just getting inadvertently careless?

Two hard days at work in London. My suit has felt tight and uncomfortable, the bag sore. SUCH a relief to finally get back to the hotel and shower each night.

But oh the restorative power of a good Greek meal on Tuesday and an evening at the theatre with friend D last night! Not such a bad life really!

But I'll be glad to be home tomorrow.

A Week Today!

It's suddenly getting very close now - and so an inevitable level of apprehension ( as well as excitement) is creeping in. (As if to make it's own comment on the situation the bag made itself known in the night in not a nice way! Typical eh?)

Anyway - I went for my Pre Op Assessment this morning. The usual tests. Everything's fine. The nurse said I was very healthy! She also said that she thought I'd only be in hospital for about three days as it's essentially just a hernia repair that they're doing.

I'm also going to be in Ward 13 again, which I'm pleased about as that's where I was last time. I'm sure that some of the staff will be the same…

London for the next three days. My head is definitely not focussed on work at the moment.

Catching Up

A quiet day at home on Saturday - a chat with my mum on the phone in the morning and then shopping. But I got very low in the afternoon. Bored and lonely. Not sure what that was about.

In the evening I went out for a meal with my friends C & M ( C is my former boss and M a former work colleague) and some friends of theirs. The chat was great but I'm afraid the meal and the service were a bit disappointing. Ah well.

Today, catching up on stuff at home and a nice call to my friend S in Greece. ( You remember- they were over in the summer?)

A blowy autumnal day here so (other) friend S ( I know, it's confusing - not sure why I started this convention of not naming my friends on here) and I went for a walk around Durham and chatted over cups of tea at her place as it grew dark.

Funny, I was emailing another friend earlier and she said that because she's returning to the States after 30 odd years here, she's got a kind of " last chance to do this before I go .." feeling about things. I've got something similar with my feelings pre op - a weird mixture of "My last chance to do X for a few weeks " - and " When I next do this/talk to this person, I'll be really on the road to recovery!"

Bliss!

Up to Newcastle for my sixweekly haircut and facial last night - bliss! Funny to think that the next time I go up there will be just before Christmas and I should be all sorted!

After that I went down to J's for a late supper and the usual mad happiness. Bit too much wine but who's counting? She's going to see her mum and her uncle this weekend - both of whom are not well at the moment.

And today, a steady day working at home and gearing myself up for next week when I'm away for the whole ( last) week from Tuesday. But it's not all work - I've got a few treats with friends lined up while I'm down there too!

Vanity

Work had a set pictures done of all of the Directors. I don't usually like photos of me, but I was quite pleased with this one.

Would you buy a national evaluation from this man?

No Escape!

Back home again after another trip away and very tired tonight.

I'm still not dealing with the normal stresses of work very well - my train down to Coventry yesterday morning was late and that made me late and anxious about a meeting. Just the usual sort of stuff but somehow harder at the moment.

But a lovely supper with J's daughter D in Leeds last night. I'm always so chuffed that her bright beautiful daughters are OK about spending time with me.

And so the countdown to hospital continues. I'm glad to see that the moblog worked - you won't be able to escape me even from my hospital bed!

Test Moblog

In Leeds tonight. Just testing that I can still blog from my ipaq in preparation for hospital.

Under Siege

I know - I'm a middle aged curmudgeon.

But tonight I feel under siege in my own house. Halloween. Trick or Treat. Waddever. My doorbell has been ringing every ten minutes since 5.00pm and if I don't answer that, then they bang on the door.

And still Bonfire Night to go! The same chav yoofs in the same sh*te masks...

Anyway. Rant over.

Up till then it was a quiet day working at home - mostly reading reports and preparing for my meetings in Coventry and Leeds tomorrow and Wednesday. I'm meeting J's daughter D in Leeds for dinner tomorrow night and really looking forward to that.

Feeling fully chemo free now - and for some reason I seem to be hungry a lot of the time. Well, nothing to worry about - my hospital crash diet will kick in a fortnight today!

A fortnight. Blimey! There are probably all sorts of things I should be doing now because in a fortnight's time I won't be able to or wish I had.

But I can't for the life of me think what they might be.

Apart from answering my door that is...

Up

Andy, Natty and Ben
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

Just back from a nice few days away.

Great to catch up with my brother A and with V - and my nephews of course! N is so lively and B is just SO placid!

The MacExpo geekfest in London was fun but I think I overdid it a bit - I was very tired afterwards.

But it was great to meet J from her plane at Heathrow on Saturday morning, and not feel postchemo. We got the train up in the afternoon and back to mine for a big tea, catch up chat ( she saw a grizzly bear!) and an early night - her jet lag kicked in again at about ten and again ( she tells me!) at about 3.00am. I ran her home this morning.

And a good session with counsellor J this afternoon. Apart from that I've been unpacking and trying not to think about another hard week away.

I've certainly felt much better this weekend - so much more UP!

Running in the Rain

I'm feeling a lot better today ( lighter in mood too!). It's great that so many friends have been in touch about my forthcoming op. Thanks

Had a nice chat with J on the phone in Canada early this morning. Sounds like she's having a good time being feted by geeks!

Looking forward to seeing her on Saturday - I'm meeting her at Heathrow and we'll travel back up North together. I'm in London with work tomorrow but then I'm taking a day off on Friday to pursue my own path of geeknesss. I'll also be staying with my brother A and his family so it'll be great to be Uncle Simon for two nights!

Tonight I went out in the torrential rain to hear Jacob Polley and Owen Sheers read in Durham. Glad I took the trouble. I've heard Jake read a few times and really like his stuff. I'd not heard Owen before but he was excellent too. Why wasn't I able to be that sharp in my early thirties? Why aren't I now?

As I was leaving the venue, it was still pouring with rain so I ran to the carpark - a few hundred yards. Suddenly I realised "I'm running"! No thought of bag or cancer or ill health - just a bloke running in the rain. It felt wonderful!

Customised Search Engine

I've just added a Google Customised Search Engine to the sidebar. It should do a more focussed search for information and support on bowel cancer.

As usual, I'd be grateful for any feedback.

Stress

To Birmingham for the day today. A light frost at 6.00 am on the station. ( There are going to be benefits to a warm hospital bed, you know...)

A busy day of meetings and still feeling a bit sicker than I normally do. One of the things about being in the office is that I can't always eat when I want/need to - meetings overrun etc. I know I should just do it, but sometimes it's difficult. Then I lose equilibrium.

I've generally found it difficult to cope with the stress of a day away from home today - not sure why that should be. Out of practice? I'm exhausted and it's only Tuesday!

Good to be home again.

Foot and Mouth

After a fitful night, I woke up still feeling rather queasy this morning (This went on till the Monday last week didn't it?) I've also got sore feet and mouth. Lots of salve needed. Typical that this should all kick in in the last week!

But I was cheered up by a text from J last thing - her presentation in Canada went well and she says that Banff is beautiful.

Then a day working at home today - fairly steady workwise but I've felt a bit detached from it and very tired. I think I'm just processing a whole lot of stuff inside. I got a letter through about a liver scan as well - a timely reminder that the process of checking up on my post cancer condition has begun. ( They do ?annual liver scans because that's where you get secondaries from bowel cancer…)

In Birmingham for the day tomorrow - I've just realised that's the last time I'll be there before my op. Leeds Office next week and London Office the week after that - and then that's it.

Sunday

Taking it very slow this weekend - I felt pretty sick yesterday and even going out to do my shopping took me much longer than usual. A bit better today. Still, hopefully, this'll be the last weekend I feel like this.

I'm beginning to prepare for my forthcoming op. Practicalities like work are one thing - getting my head clear and calm is another. I feel like the weather outside - grey and overcast with the leaves being blown around.

It's definitely gone autumnal today. But still quite mild.

24/24!

At last!

Although it's been a bit overshadowed by the news about my reconnection this week, I'm so pleased to have finally finished the chemo this afternoon. ( That's 24/24 - all done!) As you all know, it's been a real struggle at times and I nearly gave up on a number of occasions. Even now I feel ambivalent about it's overall effect on my future health. But it's done - I stayed the course - and I don't like to give up on things I've started.

Out with J for a pub meal last night - she's off to Canada for a week tomorrow - speaking at a conference.

Tonight out with C straight after chemo ( we thought we'd try meeting early before it had a chance to kick in!) in Durham. Nice to see him for a catch up and a great meal.

Not sure how tomorrow will be. I may have bad postchemo stuff or may feel bright as wotsit. I'll know soon enough.

But - hey! - no more chemo!

Date

I've just heard that I'll be going into hospital on Monday 13 November.

Ironically, that's a year to the day since I was first taken ill on a train and all this began….

Reconnection!

Well, in that way that only the NHS can do, I was completely surprised in my appointment with my consultant Mr B this afternoon. I've got a provisional date for my reconnection! I really wasn't expecting that. It's much sooner than I expected - definitely November and the precise date to be confirmed on Friday.

Blimey!

I'll be in hospital for about a week - and then they really don't know how long it'll take to get myself back to normal after the operation. Maybe a few weeks, maybe months....

(I really don't underestimate how difficult it's going to be - but I'm definitely up for this!)

My head is spinning with it all but I'm also very excited. Suddenly I feel sharp again!

Fight Club

Some of you who've been here since the beginning might recall that Fight Club is one of my favourite films - and also a kind of motif for my illness.

So - it was brilliant to come across this today.

Dragging

I woke up yesterday morning ( sounds like a Blues Song…) not feeling as good as I'd hoped. Just the usual stuff, a bit sick and sore and the bag going crazy. It slowly improved during the day and I felt well enough to go out for a nice pub meal with S last night.

I'm not sure why the effects seem to be lasting longer as I approach the end of the treatment. I mean - I know it's something cumulative but I can't decide whether it's the cumulative effects of the drugs themselves or the cumulative effect psychologically of a long treatment. Bit of both I expect. In any case, by next week, it all should be getting so much better eh?

But the week is still draggging ( expect this to be a recurring theme this week...) Thank goodness I'm busy today. If you call editing reports and tenders, busy...

Walking and Walker

Durham Cathedral
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

A great afternoon out with J taking video shots along the river for her new poetry piece and then back to mine to do a bit of editing and a great deal of chatting and laughing. Not sure why we listened to an enormous amount of Scott Walker but it seemed right at the time!

Chemo-wise I felt awful on Friday night and a bit grim ysterday - but not enough to spoil my day. Today I feel things getting back to normal.

I've got quite a busy social week planned - as I'm not away this week, I thought it might drag a bit as I approach Chemo XXIV so I'm out every night! Might be pushing it too much, but well, we'll see.

Friday

A lovely evening out in Newcastle with former colleagues from the Gateshead Office, M and K. Bit too much wine drunk but I was on the train so it didn't really matter.

And of course, now I've had Chemo XXIII ( that's 23/24 and one to go!) I don't feel like a drink at all.

The pre-chemo lowness came on me during the day a bit - these last couple of weeks are dragging so much. It's so hard to concentrate on anything else. Even this afternoon's injection seemed to take longer.

Stats

Jules sent me these links ( thanks - you should post something about yourself you know...) - this one is particularly interesting as I had pre-op radiotherapy, even though I wasn't a part of this particular trial. It's still that stats thing that gets me ( and I know there's at least one medical statistician that reads this blog..) - I just don't understand what those numbers mean in relation to whether I'm more likely to live a long/er and happy/ier life or not. Never have. Doesn't seem to matter.

And this one ...er...explains...er... something..um...

Wangling

As usual, it's very nice to be home ( and with a glass of wine!) again - maybe more so as I begin the countdown to The Final Chemo next week. I was supposed to be away in Cardiff for part of next week but that's now fallen through so I might just try to wangle the whole week at home. I haven't done that much so it would make a nice change - a chance to slow down a bit. I think I may be expecting a bit too much of myself at the moment.

Teeth

Pretty much back to normal this morning.

A busy morning at work/home - first phone call at 9.00 am on the dot! It's actually nice to be busy - and another hectic couple of days in Birmingham from tomorrow.

Then a dental appointment this afternoon. A lovely drive in the autumn sunshine up to Corbridge and the great news that I may have had all sorts of other physical problems this year, but my teeth are in great condition! I was surprised - I would have thought that my system would have taken it out on my teeth. But no.

It's getting colder this evening - there might even be a frost in the morning. Comfort food tonight - sausage and mash.

From The Cutting Room...

Blackfriars Bridge
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

As usual, a good long Saturday night's sleep and I woke up feeling human again. The bag is still going mad but that always takes a while longer to settle.

This morning, out in to the garden to try to sort which plants need to be brought in for the winter - and then bringing the smaller ones in. I'm not going to risk a hernia at this stage - have to wait till a strong mate comes round.. Was going to plant daffofdil bulbs as well, but that'll wait a while.

Then inside to work on a video project that I took some footage for when I was down in London last week. Yet again, I'd be glad to hear what you think of it.

Cancer At Work

A Public Service Announcement this one. I didn't realise that people with cancer were covered by the Disability Discrimination Act. In fact, since I've been ill, both of my employers have been brilliant but this info might be useful to someone out there

Usual Saturday Stuff

Still feeling pretty grim today - sick and with sore feet.

Things weren't helped by having to be up at eight this morning for the electrician. Since I moved into the house three years ago, I've periodically had power cuts when the trip switch has gone. Of course, when those happen and I'm away, I lose the contents of my freezer...

I finally got round to finding an electrician a few months ago, and then the trouble was getting one to show up when they promised to. But Nigel turned up prompt this morning and went through every socket and light in the house.

The verdict? Not as bad as it might have been (I'm used to the cowboy way the previous owner did most things) - just a couple of sockets need immediate replacing ( probably the cause of the cut outs) and the rest goes on a (long) "To Do" list. Funny to be without electricity for most of the day though.

A nice evening out with J last night, even though I didn't stay for the meal afterwards. She was compering a reading by Anthony Joseph who was a very engaging performer but I imagine quite hard to read in prose. I'll probably read his new novel when I can concentrate a bit more.

And now I'm going to slope slowly into an evening at home. Just two more Saturdays like this to go!

Back

Sorry for the silence this week - I've just been really busy in London and couldn't get to computers easily.

I'll do a fuller post tomorrow - postchemo grims have kicked in and I feel crap from Chemo XXII -but that's 22/24 and 2 to go!

Time drags so much while I'm waiting for the chemo to end. But at least I've now got my appointment with Mr B ( 18 October) to sort out when I can have my reconnection done.

More tomorrow.

After the rain...

After the rain...
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

I took this yesterday afternoon after a HUGE rainstorm. Quite biblical with the rainbow and the doves I thought.?

A great evening with J after her mad dash to Liverpool and back..A big dinner, lots of wine and yes, singing...

Now I'm just back from my final appointment with the the chemo consultant. Everything OK - all my blood tests are fine. Nice to hear her say " I won't be seeing you again."

I've got three more to to go but she says that if I get any more bag problems to tell them and they'll stop before the end of the course.

It's that old chestnut again isn't it? I fit's so easy for them to call a halt, what good has all this done me at all? In a funny sort of way, after all I've said about the chemo, it's a matter of pride to finish the full course now.

But we'll see.

November

Coincidentally, given today's "month" theme, I just came across an article about Taryn McKeiver's book " A November to Remember" I'm always in two minds about these sort of books - mainly because I'm never sure who they're aimed at. (I certainly don't like the reference to " cancer victim"...) But information is information so I'll put a link to it in the sidebar.

October

Sunday morning - I was just putting some more poems together to send to Other Poetry when I came across this one, which they published in the last edition. Appropriate for the day eh?:


October

and first frost expected

thought lost

etched in laced dreams of glass

edges iced

and a letter to a lover

penned from the front line

ripped open eagerly

as snow falls smiling

The Great North Run is on the telly in the background. Three years ago I was running it. Completely exhausting. I said I'd never do it again.

Not so sure now...

Catch Up

On Thursday night I had nice evening up at The Biscuit Factory again with S and her daughter A. ( Recovered from being knocked down by a car last week, thank goodness!) S had a couple of pictures in the auction this time but unfortunately they didn't sell - but I managed to get a nice print and a water colour for ten pounds! Last of the big spenders eh?

Friday I was working at home and in the afternoon had Chemo XXI ( that's 21/24 or 7/8ths - and 3 to go!) then a very good session with counsellor J. She was really helpful with some ideas and techniques for dealing with these weird mood swings that I keep having. I tried it later on in the evening and it seemed to work.

Today I've been a bit post chemo - but am consciously taking things slow and that seems to make it more bearable. I even managed to mow my lawn for the last time this season! It's been a lovely sunny day today.

Another quiet evening in tonight I think - J is away in Liverpool with the girls but coming over on Sunday for a Big Roast Dinner.

Drowning

I know - I should be working.

Would be interested to see what you, my blog public think of this. It's a poetry /video sequence I've put together.

( Just click on the title above, but be careful if you're watching it in the office, there's sound!)

Safe

Blimey! This mood thing!

I've spent the last two days in Birmingham on pretty much of an even keel. Workwise it's been steady and I slept fairly well.

However, the bag has been playing up a bit (all a bit sore for some reason) and so I decided to get a slightly earlier train home - I just feel more vulnerable when I'm away.

I obviously didn't realise how much I wanted to be on my way back home. As soon as I sat in my seat on the train and it pulled away, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. It was all I could do not to burst into tears!

Now I'm finally home, unpacked and changed and I feel at peace. Settled.

Safe.

Mood Changes

All day I've felt really anxious. Not connected. Worried.

It's so odd to have those sort of feelings so non-specifically. What am I worried about?

I know that to anyone else, it's probably damn'd obvious why I'd be worried. But actually cancer has never really felt that specific to me - it's a state. ( Hopefully, in one way, a former state...) Anxiety should be for particular things or events. Cancer's different. More like a travelling companion.

Not sure where this is leading at all.

What really got me started on this was that all of a sudden about 20 mins ago ( and sans booze tonight) I felt better. No idea why. But I do.

So, although I've got to be up at 5.00am for another Birmingham trip I just know I'll sleep well.

( Note to self: Find out more about emotional effects of chemo....)

Party!

A nice afternoon/evening out with J yesterday to friend SJL's 70th Birthday Party at St Chad's College in Durham. A really nice family party with lots of drinking, speechmaking and singing. ( We also met Richard Murdoch's daughter... You have to be of a particular English Public Radio Persuasion to have heard of him I think.)

I felt a bit wobbly in the afternoon ( more chemo than drink I think) but didn't feel too bad at all overall. We were invited back to the house in the evening but decided to go back to mine where we had a cosy evening in watching The Fabulous Baker Boys. What a great film that is!

J left quite early this morning as she's driving down to see her mum today before doing a few days working in Cambridge.

Then a short visit from friend D ( I stayed with her in the summer) on her way back to Kent from a Northumbrian Piping Course in Rothbury. ( I used to play them but gave up a few years back) Lovely to see her.

And now the chemo effect has started to kick in! I thought I'd got away with it! Ah well - quiet evening with another DVD I think....

Score!

Chemo XX this afternoon! ( That's 20/24 - or 5/6th - and 4 to go! ) A score of jabs. My veins are getting quite sore now -it's getting harder to actually give me the injections. Apparently they have a sort of memory so can contract as they feel the needle. I don't blame them - I'd much prefer it on a sugar cube myself...

Working at home today - a bit mentally fragile. Was quite selective about what work I did and what I responded to. I just had the feeling that I'd deal with it all better another day.

I spoke to Alison the Colorectal Nurse this morning. I thought it was about time I started reminding them to book my reconnection in and I know that she's central to the planning - and also that no-one would have updated her on where I was with my treatment. So I did. She's going to talk to Mr Bain and get back to me...

Home

Home at last. A great massage/facial/haircut and my final stodgy hotel night completed this morning. At least for this week.

Seem to be feeling less glum this week as well - I don't know if it's being busy that's helped - or simply approaching the end of my chemo week. I suppose Saturday will tell.

And now to bed.

BAMA LAMA DING DONG!

What do you do when you have a Major Bag Incident in the middle of a very important meeting? I've been in Birmingham since Monday night and yesterday had a very important meeting to look at BAMAs. ( "Business Appreciation Market Analysis" since you asked…Or maybe the other way round..? ) Basically my chance to show off about what I wanted to do next year and to make sure that my colleagues would let me - as long as I let them do their stuff. A trade in other words.

Just before I went on, I realised that the bag was reacting furiously to my lunch - just working very hard. It happens after a meal - particularly if I rush it. But I knew that if I didn''t go and get it sorted ( ie empty it ) fairly quickly, there would be a nasty incident. Panic.

So I just stood up and told them I needed a 5 minute break! Sorted. No-one blinked an eyelid. Resumed 5 minutes later and all went well. No-one even mentioned it afterwards. Funny how I can feel so selfconscious about this stuff after all these months.

Another hard day today ( not home - via a haircut and facial in Newcastle- until Thursday night) - just taking a Blog Break before my last meetings of the day.

Oh - and the slobbishness of sedentary hotel life! All I do is eat and sleep - more of the former than the latter. Roll on Reconnection when I can start using hotel gyms again!

Saturday

Gosh! It's about 6.00pm on Sunday and I'm ready for bed! A long week in Brum ahead - I'm down there from tomorrow night until Thursday so I could do with the sleep I suppose.

It's not like I've had a busy day today though - I didn't get up till 10 and I think I was in bed by 9.30pm last night, although I did read for an hour or so. "Saturday" by Ian McEwan. J had read it recently and recommended it but coincidentally I picked it up on train last month. I'm really enjoying it - I was beginning to think I would never be able to read a book again. It's the concentration - I just don't seem to have it at the moment. (Maybe that's why I'm so tired?)

A quick visit from my brother O and his wife J was the main event of the day - they were on the way back from a birthday do in Newcastle. Good to see them and have a catch up about family stuff.

Mimosa Festival

Last night J and I had a really interesting and entertaining evening at The Star and Shadow Cinema in Newcastle seeing part of The Mimosa Festival . The main reason we were there was to see Topsy and Tom Shakespeare perform Tumbling and Laughing ( which was brilliant) but the whole evening was great. I really like that bit of Newcastle too.

Earlier I'd had a really good counselling session with The Other J which helped me loads with all my stuff this week and then Chemo XIX ( that's 19/24 - and just 5 to go!) They thought that the sore throat wasn't bad enough to stop the treatment. It's still there today but no worse.

I also decided not to take the anti sickness tablets this week in order to check my theory that it was them that were making me feel sick. I think it's worked. I felt a bit faint and wooozy this morning and again this afternoon ( a nap sorted that one) but I think I'm feeling better than I usually do at this point on a Saturday.

A quiet evening in front of the telly or the computer I think

My Favourite Poet

Reading at the last Hydrogen Jukebox
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

A busy night at Hydrogen Jukebox on Tuesday - so busy that I only took one photo! And then a long day in London - I was saying to J later that I really don't think I'm up to these long days trips. She pointed out that I HAD only had 4 hours sleep the night before!

Feeling a bit more on top of things today - being busy is helping. I think this is just a stage of the chemo - and maybe it's because I'm approaching the end. Just have to sit it out really. My sore throat has also returned, which doesn't augur well for having chemo tomorrow anyway.

Thanks for all your emails and txts - it's nice to know you're out there!

Talking

Just in case any of you were worried about me - I'm doing OK. Just decided to talk to my best friend about my stuff tonight rather than my blog. Always better really eh?

Normal service will be etc

Low Tuesday

I'm still feeling rather low today - can't think why in particular. (Objectively I reckon it's probably a side effect from the chemo but knowing that doesn't really help.) Just can't be bothered with stuff and finding it really hard to concentrate on work. ( I've really just done the bare minimum today and then felt guilty about it)

Tonight I'm going over to Darlington for the last Hydrogen Jukebox. ( Can't believe that that started 5 years ago!) I'll see J, which'll be great, but she'll be busy running around and so there won't be much time to talk.

Tomorrow I've got a meeting in London all day - maybe that will liven me up. It doesn't feel good being on my own at the moment.

Weather

Well, back at work today after a fairly sickly weekend. Sunday was better and I got quite creative with some poems amd video on the new mac. However, now on Monday, I realise I still feel a bit under the weather. Just checked my temperature and it's a bit up and I have a sore throat. Not enough to trouble the docs with at the moment but one to keep an eye on. Could explain why I'm feeling a bit low. Still got a nice bump on my head...

But the weather here is glorious! Really bright sunshine and my ( other) thermometer told me 25 degrees this afternoon! Believe me, for County Durham in September, that's amazing.

Headbanger

Another grim Saturday started with me sleeping late - well, for me anyway. Felt quite sick ( I'm still not sure that it might not be the anti-sickness drug that's making me feel sick. I know of other people who have thought that. Might try not taking it next week...) so I stumbled to the bathroom only to catch myself a terrible crack on the head from the bathroom shelf. I didn't know I knew some of the words I came out with at that point!

If anyone had dared to see the funny side of it all at that point it would have been me dressed only in T shirt and bag with a big towel on my head staggering around the house cursing as I tried to find the paracetamol. ( It's like a pharmacy round here and it still took me ages to find them. ) Another nice big lump on my head now. ho hum.

That, combined with general chemalaise ( my new word) has put me in to Lock Down today. No shopping trip, no calls - just sitting about. ( The towel's off my head now) Not really feeling miserable - just dealing with it on my own. It happens.

Trying to persuade myself I'm hungry now - but just can't think of anything I want to eat.

I expect tomorrow to be better.

Sunflower

The Only Sunflower...
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

Those of you that know me well will be aware that each year I grow loads of sunflowers and usually end up giving most of them away. For some reason this year, only one of the seeds grew so I've nurtured it really carefully - and this is the result! Not the biggest SF in the world, but still...

A quietish end to the week - although I can see that the next few weeks are going to be busy. Very tempting to be out in the sunshine too!

And of course, it's Friday. So that means Chemo XVIII. That's 18/24 or 3/4 AND 6 to go!

The Travelling Life

My return to The Travelling Life started early on a darkish breezy Tuesday morning on Durham Station, waiting for the train to Birmingham. Suddenly it felt like Autumn was coming. But by the time I got to London on Wednesday it was like summer again - sitting having a sandwich in the sunshine with a colleague from work and it could have been July!

It also always seems amzing to me how I can begin my first day back from holidays with a sense of complete bafflement and panic about what I do for a living and then by Day Three it's all slotted back into place and it's like I've never been on holiday.

It's not been a bad few days away - but it's good to be home at last. The bag is still playing up but least these days I know how to manage it so that things don't show ( I hope!) - but it can be d*mn uncomfortable! That could be to do with the fact that I've put on 6 lbs during my holidays. I'm certainly not going to get paranoid about that - I can always drop the weight when I'm sorted but it is interesting how much I'm still eating at the moment. I seem to be almost permanently hungry. I think it's a comfort thing in a way - I'm processing loads of stuff under the surface about how things will be post-connection - not all them have quite found words yet though.

Twenty Four!

A good day today, all in all.

The session with Dr C the oncology consultant went much better than I expected. She is happy for me to complete 24 treatments in total after all which means just another seven to go. That means that my last chemo should be on October 20th and if you allow about a month for recovery from that, then I'm on schedule for my reconnection towards the end of November! It feels so good to be able to write that so clearly.

That was then followed by the barium X Ray which is to check that the join in my bowel is fine. It's an uncomfortable and emabarassing prodeedure but the staff are always very gentle and discreet. Afterwards the radiologist told me that, although she's not an expert, it looked fine to her. So - more good news.

Geting back into work, even from home was hard though. Loads to catch up on and I just decided to be very disciplined and take it very easy. It's the right approach I think but the next three days away are certainly not going to be easy at all. And now I also have to plan for an absence in November... ( I don't know how long that will all take - I need to check. I get the impression that the op itself is fairly short and straightforward but I think it's the recovery that can depend on how one's individual system readjusts. )

I was really pleased to have a counselling session this evening to try to make sense of all that as well - it really helped.

On top of that, J and I had a great, boozy, chatty, laughing catch up meal last night. I so love talking with her and being with her. Jer daughter D is back after three months in Greece on Wednesday - J is so exicted about it, bless her!

So - that's all the positive stuff. But somewhere I feel this weird undercurrent of concern or anxiety about the future. This is all really just the end of the beginning isn't it? Lots more to go before I'm finally declared cancer free.

Home Again!

So - here I am back from two weeks away. Bristol, Plymouth, Faversham and Hereford. You can see the pictures here, here and here. Great to catch up with old friends and family - and myself. It's also actually very nice to be home (I've driven over 1700 miles in the last fortnight!)

I'm not going to do a full resume of the whole trip - but some of the highlights were definitely:

*Seeing S&J in Bristol on the way down - sorry the music chart has slipped the last couple of weeks...

*Mum and G's flat at Fort Picklecombe

*The Lost Gardens of Heligan ( once I'd found them...)

*A meal at the Friary Manor Hotel

*Another meal with friend D at Wheeler's Oyster Bar in Whitstable

*Playing swings with my nephew N at my mum's

*A 3 mile ( my longest this year!) walk with G along the old Herefordshire and Gloucestershire Canal

*A Thai Takeaway meal with Mum and G and O&J to celebrate mum and G's tenth wedding anniversary. ( Waiting for photos of this one!)

It was wonderful to have two whole weeks with out chemo! ( Yesterday I had number 17/30 - can't be bothered to work out the %..) Mostly I was fine healthwise while I was away - although the bag played up a bit and I had to send for emergency supplies while I was away. SecuriCare were brilliant - I got new stuff sent to Hereford in just over 24 hours.

And now I'm home and ( typically) it's raining. I'm having a quiet weekend recovering from chemo ( not tooo bad actually) and looking forward to seeing J on Sunday. She's away this weekend. I'm also waiting in for her luggage which got lost " somewhere over Europe" on her flight from hell back from Hamburg yesterday.

Trying not to think about going back to work - I've a long hard week ahead - in Birmingham and London. Oh - and a review with Dr Coxon ( chemo) followed by a Barium x ray on Monday morning - both of which should help get things clarified as to when I can get the reconnection.

Generally I feel like I'm beginning to get on with getting on so the holiday must have done me some good!

Nearly there….

Off on holiday tomorrow - and it can't come too soon for me!

I'm staying for a week at my mum and G's holiday apartment in Cornwall and then spending most of the second week with friends and family in the South East and Herefordshire. It'll be nice to see people and great just to relax without That Old Chemo Feeeling. A shame J can't get the time off - but we'll do something special together once I've got the op out of the way.

Today has been steady workwise after a hectic two days in Birmingham. I'm glad really - I've got a slight blockage today ( I thought there were nuts in that Indian meal last night…) and I don't really want to be rushing about while it's sorting itself out. Ho hum

You'll have seen the note I got on my last posting from Jules about Martin, one of my Other Bottoms. The link has been taken off ( I assume by his friends or family) but I'm going to leave it in the sidebar anyway as my own memorial.

So. I'm sure I'll find a way to blog while I'm away if I want to but there again, I might be having too much of a good time!

Back soon.

Weary

A lovely Together weekend with J - at mine on Saturday ( watching DVDs and playing on the mac) and hers on Sunday, sorting some stuff on her laptop - mostly successfully.

I felt pretty postchemo on Saturday and into Sunday but it was all bearable. Tummy quite upset though. An early night and a deep deep sleep and I woke up feeling pretty much OK this morning. However, as the day has gone on today, I've felt more and more weary. Really feel like a nap now but loads to do workwise ( in Birmingham for two days from tomorrow) so I should try and hang on for at least another hour...

Studio

Studio
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

It's great to have the creative space I always dreamed of.

Better get on with creating some stuff now then eh...?

Eatin's Cheatin...

A busy day in London and rail transport all very busy because of the plane scare. I was over at Canary Wharf for a meeting with a client. Amazing - I haven't been there since I worked for the Development Corporation there in the early nineties. Even more amazing were the clients - I can't beleive people really talk in such a weird language all the time. Best line of all was when I made a comment about catching a bite to eat before heading back up North. "Eatin's Cheatin'!" they chorussed as one. I'm not sure they were joking.

Got back up home in time for my 6 weekly haircut and facial. Bliss! A nice end to a week where I've felt human again.

Slept like a log and up sharp this morning for the blood test they forgot to do on Wednesday. A busy work day at home and then back for Chemo XIV ( that's 16/30 or er... 8/15ths... ) in the afternoon. I think they may have been listening to me because they've cut my dose by 25%. I'm glad about that - I don't want feel too grim - J and I are playing on computers this weekend...

But at least it's the last treatment for a fortnight while I'm on holiday from next Friday. Here's hoping for an easy ride!

And plenty of eatin...

Checking In

Got myself back again this week - I feel so much more lively and work isn't such a struggle. That's post-chemo for you...

Went in to the Clinic this afternoon for a review with one of the Sisters. ( Are they still called Sisters? Probably Clinical Nursing Manager...) Agreed that I'd go in for Chemo XVI on Friday and then take two weeks off for my holidays. Back to start Chemo on 1 September and see Dr C on the 4th. I told her that I'd seen Mr Bain about the reconnection and she seemed very relaxed about that. ( This really is my issue isn't it?)

I also got an appointment for my pre op barium X ray through today -unfortunately it's when I'm on holiday so it'll have to be re-arranged for early September as well. At least things feel like they're moving on again.

Going to take myself out for a pub meal now - then an early night as I'm in London tomorrow.

Sympathy

Feeling a lot better today - definitely the beginnings of post chemo lightness. No sickness now.

On Saturday afternoon, I came home to some flowers that had been left with my neighbours.

How nice. Someone thinking of me. I read the label:

"Sending You Heartfelt Sympathy and Love...."

Ah. What do they know that I don't..?

I checked again - for the woman who used to live here 3 years ago. I think her dad must have died -there had been a big funeral in the village earlier that day.

But a chap could get paranoid, you know.

Or just see the funny side.

Thought for the Day

It is Sunday after all....

I recently got this offblog from a very good friend: ( Used with their permission)

"In a blog entry for an early chemo time you reported pain that the chemo people thought couldn't possibly be after effects, it was too soon. As if you anticipated feeling as you do now, from the start. 'I just want to get on with my life' echoes the options given you before starting the chemo. There's nothing in your writing about the other side: 'this makes me feel so bad I will quit it; but it may save/extend my life...' Have you forgotten that it might, do you disbelieve that it will, is there no point doing further research about it? Are you just blogging that way for literary effect? Is your fundamental position that the cancer can't kill you; or that it's going to, chemo or not; or that the chemo now is worse than how ill you'll feel with the further cancer it possibly - possibly... - can't retard/prevent if you quit now? Maybe 15/30 is enough? Who derived those numbers anyway? (bet they never had to take the treatment). "

Good and clear eh?

Here's what I replied:

"I bet a lot of people are thinking like you - essentially " Why doesn't he put up or shut up?" I think when it boils down to it, the hospital won't or can't tell me that another 15 treatments will significantly improve my chances of avoiding a recurrence - actually with my form of cancer, they can't actually tell me ( they don't have the stats) whether it will make any difference at all. I know they THINK it might or they wouldn't have given me the ( expensive ) treatment. If they just sat me down and said " Simon - we know how much you hate this treatment, but honestly - just another 10...? But they don't - the attitude and tone is " You can stop this anytime you like, you know..." So in that position, I am forced back on my own resources. (I've spent long hours in my counseling sessions on this ) And yes, I AM nervous about plainly saying that 15 is enough and I'll not have any more before the reconnection - after all, Doctor is supposed to know best - so I'll continue with as many treatments as I can - but each one from now on will be a fight. There's something more that the hospital should be doing for me in terms of support or understanding ( or just LISTENING) but I'm damned if I know what it is - and I can't tell them what. "

I think the only thing I'll add to that is that I have been thinking a lot and frankly, worrying a lot about the cancer recurring. The thing is that pressing on to complete the full course of chemo doesn't help to assuage those worries at all. Make of that what you will - I reckon it's just me beginning to prepare myself for my post-connection future. " Getting on with the rest of my life" will also mean dealing with that worry all the time - and particularly around the time of every 6 monthly check up for five years.

On a more cheerful note ( !) - it's a sunny Sunday morning and the sickness is finally beginning to fade.

Tamar Bailey

I was just adding a link to the sidebar when I thought I'd check the other links. You may remember that I blogged before about Tamar Bailey?

She died on June 6th - aged 26.

God Bless...

Friday

Still feeling grim so I rang this morning and cancelled the chemo session for today.

It really is going to be very difficult to sustain the chemo over the next couple of months - I dislike it so much. Even though I'm taking a couple of weeks off when I go on holiday at the end of the month, I suspect that that will just make coming back to it even more difficult. It doesn't seem enough to say " well, it's only x more..." - I don't want ANY more actually....

Have just ordered an Indian takeaway - decided that will either make me feel better or er... not.

Getting On With It

I'm still feeling a bit sick. I spoke to the chemo clinic yesterday and they said it sounded like some kind of viral infection. They said to keep an eye on things and to ring them on Friday morning to let them know how I feel. It's certainly better today and and I'm intending to go to Birmingham as planned tomorrow but I wouldn't want to have another chemo treatment feeling as I do at the moment.

Tied in with this is the outcome of my hospital appointment/review this afternoon. I'd decided to ask Mr Bain to set a date for my reconnection sometime in the autumn and that I'd fit in as many chemos before that as I could before then. Allowing for the month interval between the end of chemo and the op itself that I need and holidays, then I reckon that's up to another 10 more treatments taking me to about 25 in all. That's enough payments on this policy in my view.

Mr Bain was in the clinic but I didn't see him but the Registrar instead. I explained what I wanted and he went off and asked the Great Man himself. He came back 5 minutes later with the OK !

So - maybe this is the beginning of the end! Next steps are for me to have a Barium X ray just to double check that all is well ( the doctor today examined me and said it felt fine to him ) and then for Mr Bain to call me to discuss what that means for the reconnection - sometime in October? I think I'm in for a difficult conversation with Dr Coxon in Chemotherapy ( I expect I'll be called for the monthly check up with her on Monday ) but I'm now much clearer that this is what I want.

I also saw Sue the Stoma Nurse just for a catch up but all's pretty much OK with the bag at the moment so it was short, friendly and chatty.

What to say about all that? well, I'm trying not to count too many chickens and to steel myself up to go with the rest of the chemo but really I'm just impatient to get on with the rest of my life now.

Another early night tonight.

Godfather!

Benjamin et Moi
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

( Just discovered that this is my 200th post!)

Benjamin's christening in Weybridge at the weekend was great - we all had a great time as you can see. Such a shame that mum wasn't able to make it though. ( A took nephew N down to see her yesterday instead..)

The drives down and back were awful for J and I . We drove 2 X 300 miles in the space of 36 hours - 12 hours driving in total. ( AND the aircon has packed up again!) On the way down I started off OK but after a couple of hours felt really grim and J drove the rest .On the way back she was feeling ill with a tummy bug as well so we split the driving in shorter spells. Both went straight to bed when we got to our homes - and slept for 12 hours solid.

I wouldn't have missed the event for the world but it was very hard going. Still feeling pretty grim this morning ( although I'm trying to work ) - if I don't feel a bit better this afternoon I'll ring the clinic and see what they say about Friday's treatment. I can always cancel it - and I don't want to go into it feeling like this.

Although we were both not feeling our best last night we had a nice evening up at The Sage again , this time seeing Emmylou Harris. ( I'd bought us the tickets as part of J's birthday present) It was good to see her and the performance was impeccable, but just a bit low key. Or maybe that was us. Always terrifying to do middle aged audience spotting - hoping we look better than THEM...

Oh - and two links. Both to be taken with a pinch of salt...

Roses

Roses
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

When I was in hospital, my colleagues K and M bought me two potted roses. When I finally sorted out the backyard I planted them out. I was really pleased to see them take and flower. Beautifully as you can see.

I was reminded to tke this pictiure as I went out for a catch up drink in Newcastle with K last night.( M couldn't join us as she's flying off on holiday today) A nice chatty evening.

I'd been getting some pain from a sore ankle during the day and it got worse when I was out last night. By the time I got home it was excruciating and I had a really bad night not able to sleep with it. (No idea what had caused it - I don't remember twisting it or anything) At about 4.00am I took a couple of strong painkillers and when I woke at 6.30 the pain was all gone! No trouble with it at all today. - no idea what that was about..

I asked the nurses at Chemo XV ( that's 15/30 - halfway!) about it and they had no idea either but didn't think it was chemo related. Just one of those things.

I suppose I should feel more elated about getting to halfway with the treatment but I'm afraid I can't . It's just dull.

But it's not going to be a dull weekend. J and I are driving down to Weybridge tomorrow for nephew B's christening on Sunday. I'm a godfather. Really looking forward to seeing all the family - although I'm afraid mum's not going to be able to make it - her back is just too painful to do the trip. A real pity. But we'll all take loads of pictures for her.

New Acquisition

New iMac!
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

(Click on the photo to see the full story... )

Well - this is it. A 20" iMac. Practically every bell and whistle on it that you can imagine and a big brother for the macbook. I could try to justify it as a purchase but no - I won't - it's just a great bit of technology and I wanted it.

( Don't get me wrong, I know there is an alternative. )

Apart from that distraction, a solid day working at home. It's still very hot and that does slow me but I'm in the manageable part of my weeklychemocycle.

Better go and check on the iMac again...

Monday Evening

Not a particularly good day really. Although I've done a day's work ( including a trip up to Newcastle for a meeting) I've felt pretty grim again all day. It feels like it did last week in the heat and it has been very hot here again. I'm going to try and stick it out this week though - see if I can work through it. I've got meetings in Leeds tomorrow so that means a fairly early start - but I'll try and get home early.

Of course my day wasn't helped by the fanbelt on my car snapping while I was up in Newcastle, necessitating a train/taxi home and then back later in the day to pick the car up from the garage. And while I was out, they tried to deliver my New Acquisition that I've been waiting for for a fortnight. I'll get it delivered again on Wednesday - that should cheer me up!

And now, when I went to wash before bed, the water pressure has dropped to a trickle!

Humph.

6 months...

Quayside
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

...today since my op. It sort of feels longer than that - but also like yesterday.

I'm seeing Mr Bain on 2 August and I'm going to try to pin him down to a reconnection date later this year - even if it means I don't do the full chemo.

Anyway. I took this today on a visit to the quaysides at Gateshead and Newcastle with J and her friends T and M and their children. It was a lovely day out - warm and sunny and a brilliant exhibition of Sam Taylor Wood's images.

They all came back to mine afterwards for my second barbecue of the weekend - all very relaxed and easy. I'd felt pretty crap during the morning but it's eased during the day and, although I'm tired now, I feel fine.

All ready for work in the morning.... : (

First Yard Barbecue

First Yard BBQ!
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

This is Friday night. S and her daughter A ( middle) came over for a barbie while S ( the other one) and G and H were here from Athens. It was a great evening - once 'd got the d*mn barbecue lit and discovered that I also have the Grumpy Bloke Lighting A Barbecue gene.. ( We're best just left alone...)

A nice way to ease away from Chemo XIV ( That's 7/15ths or 47%...) earlier on in the day.

I'm feeling much better than I did a few days ago - mainly I think because the weather has broken. ( It's warming up again now though) Feeling very tired today after the chemo though - although that could just be after two days of visitors! I'm now an expert on Shakira, Kelly Clarkson ( who is neither Kelly leBrock or Kelly Holmes I now know...) and The Black Eyed Peas. Go on - ask me anything!

So a restful day today.

Oh - and Gadget of the Day: ceedo ...

Hot

I wonder how many UK blogs have the title " Hot" today...?

Anyway - it is. Very. Just seen that parts of the UK were hotter than Athens today. Ironic that - my old university friend S ( another one!) and her children are over from Athens at the moment seeing her parents - they're coming up to stay with me for a couple of days tomorow.

That partly accounts for the tidying up I've done today. But not entirely - for some reason I've sorted and tidied all sorts of other things I 've been meaning to do for ages, not least of all my study ( I may rename it my "studio" when I get my New Acquisition. More on that soon...) which was a tip and now is tidy and accessible.

I've tried to stay in as much as possible, although I did have my lunch in the shade of the yard (cooler than the house at that point) and I definitely feel much better. Not sure what to do about work tomorrow ( I'd already booked Friday off to spend the day with S and the kids ) - I think I'll take it as sick leave but dip surreptitiously in and out of the emails during the day. The weather is expected to break - and then heat up again for the weekend.

One Of Those Nights

Yes - it really IS 4.45am. Just haven't been able to sleep.

I'd already decided that I wasn't going to Brum today or London tomorrow. During the day yesterday I felt progressively worse as the day went on - a horrible sort of sickness/fatique/lag thing. I've put it down to the heat - it was 32 degrees here yesterday. So I emailed work to say that I was off sick for the next two days. I'm entitled to do that aren't I?

But the not-sleeping wasn't to do with the heat or chemolag- I just couldn't get off. BBC World Service usually works - but not this time. I just felt restless and irritable. Then suddenly it was light so I thought I might as well get up. Writing this over a cup of tea in the kitchen. ( I'll spare you a picture...)

Just one of those nights I guess. I'll probably fall asleep on the sofa in a minute.

FOOTNOTE: ( 10.30 am ) - I did!

A photographer, two artists and a patron

A photographer, two artists and a patron
Originally uploaded by Pickersgill Reef.

But who's who?

I love this shot from the weekend!

Bad night last night - up about six times with the bag. ( Yes - that's still there!) Feel pretty crap today.

J my counsellor gave me a copy of the Alan Bennett autobiography " Untold Stories". There's a brilliant section about his bowel cancer treatment - he describes his post-chemo feeling as like " taking a flight to Australia once a fortnight".

That's it exactly - I feel chemo-lagged...

Post Dada II

A great weekend with Dada's Boys. From left to right - Graniers, Pickersgill Reef, Topsy Qur'et, Graniers' son Matt and Moi.

All sorts of great moments and a superb exhibition but one moment that stands out is coming across Keith Farquhar taking some pictures of his own installation at the gallery. A nice man and a really striking piece. Pickersgill Reef took a great set of pictures for and with him.

On the Saturday night I took myself out for a nice meal (on friend C's recommendation - thanks it was great!) and spent Sunday morning wandering around Rose Street with my hat.

Side effects from the chemo? Not too bad really - bit sickly on Saturday night and a sore mouth but it didn't spoil my weekend. Certainly recognise the Supressed feeling though and am still thinking whether to go on with it. I'll have a proper think when I reach halfway in a fortnight's time.

Slightly tipsy in the hotel restaurant on Friday night, ( I agree with the reviewer about the food!) I scribbled this in my ipaq. I think I was thinking about options and chance:

Something is always going to kill you. Sooner or later. Now or Never. Cancer - sure - but That Driver? That Nutter? Walking on the pavement helps - but...

I shouldn't end this posting on a low note though! I've had a great weekend.