Catch Up

On Thursday night I had nice evening up at The Biscuit Factory again with S and her daughter A. ( Recovered from being knocked down by a car last week, thank goodness!) S had a couple of pictures in the auction this time but unfortunately they didn't sell - but I managed to get a nice print and a water colour for ten pounds! Last of the big spenders eh?

Friday I was working at home and in the afternoon had Chemo XXI ( that's 21/24 or 7/8ths - and 3 to go!) then a very good session with counsellor J. She was really helpful with some ideas and techniques for dealing with these weird mood swings that I keep having. I tried it later on in the evening and it seemed to work.

Today I've been a bit post chemo - but am consciously taking things slow and that seems to make it more bearable. I even managed to mow my lawn for the last time this season! It's been a lovely sunny day today.

Another quiet evening in tonight I think - J is away in Liverpool with the girls but coming over on Sunday for a Big Roast Dinner.

Drowning

I know - I should be working.

Would be interested to see what you, my blog public think of this. It's a poetry /video sequence I've put together.

( Just click on the title above, but be careful if you're watching it in the office, there's sound!)

Safe

Blimey! This mood thing!

I've spent the last two days in Birmingham on pretty much of an even keel. Workwise it's been steady and I slept fairly well.

However, the bag has been playing up a bit (all a bit sore for some reason) and so I decided to get a slightly earlier train home - I just feel more vulnerable when I'm away.

I obviously didn't realise how much I wanted to be on my way back home. As soon as I sat in my seat on the train and it pulled away, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. It was all I could do not to burst into tears!

Now I'm finally home, unpacked and changed and I feel at peace. Settled.

Safe.

Mood Changes

All day I've felt really anxious. Not connected. Worried.

It's so odd to have those sort of feelings so non-specifically. What am I worried about?

I know that to anyone else, it's probably damn'd obvious why I'd be worried. But actually cancer has never really felt that specific to me - it's a state. ( Hopefully, in one way, a former state...) Anxiety should be for particular things or events. Cancer's different. More like a travelling companion.

Not sure where this is leading at all.

What really got me started on this was that all of a sudden about 20 mins ago ( and sans booze tonight) I felt better. No idea why. But I do.

So, although I've got to be up at 5.00am for another Birmingham trip I just know I'll sleep well.

( Note to self: Find out more about emotional effects of chemo....)

Party!

A nice afternoon/evening out with J yesterday to friend SJL's 70th Birthday Party at St Chad's College in Durham. A really nice family party with lots of drinking, speechmaking and singing. ( We also met Richard Murdoch's daughter... You have to be of a particular English Public Radio Persuasion to have heard of him I think.)

I felt a bit wobbly in the afternoon ( more chemo than drink I think) but didn't feel too bad at all overall. We were invited back to the house in the evening but decided to go back to mine where we had a cosy evening in watching The Fabulous Baker Boys. What a great film that is!

J left quite early this morning as she's driving down to see her mum today before doing a few days working in Cambridge.

Then a short visit from friend D ( I stayed with her in the summer) on her way back to Kent from a Northumbrian Piping Course in Rothbury. ( I used to play them but gave up a few years back) Lovely to see her.

And now the chemo effect has started to kick in! I thought I'd got away with it! Ah well - quiet evening with another DVD I think....

Score!

Chemo XX this afternoon! ( That's 20/24 - or 5/6th - and 4 to go! ) A score of jabs. My veins are getting quite sore now -it's getting harder to actually give me the injections. Apparently they have a sort of memory so can contract as they feel the needle. I don't blame them - I'd much prefer it on a sugar cube myself...

Working at home today - a bit mentally fragile. Was quite selective about what work I did and what I responded to. I just had the feeling that I'd deal with it all better another day.

I spoke to Alison the Colorectal Nurse this morning. I thought it was about time I started reminding them to book my reconnection in and I know that she's central to the planning - and also that no-one would have updated her on where I was with my treatment. So I did. She's going to talk to Mr Bain and get back to me...

Home

Home at last. A great massage/facial/haircut and my final stodgy hotel night completed this morning. At least for this week.

Seem to be feeling less glum this week as well - I don't know if it's being busy that's helped - or simply approaching the end of my chemo week. I suppose Saturday will tell.

And now to bed.

BAMA LAMA DING DONG!

What do you do when you have a Major Bag Incident in the middle of a very important meeting? I've been in Birmingham since Monday night and yesterday had a very important meeting to look at BAMAs. ( "Business Appreciation Market Analysis" since you asked…Or maybe the other way round..? ) Basically my chance to show off about what I wanted to do next year and to make sure that my colleagues would let me - as long as I let them do their stuff. A trade in other words.

Just before I went on, I realised that the bag was reacting furiously to my lunch - just working very hard. It happens after a meal - particularly if I rush it. But I knew that if I didn''t go and get it sorted ( ie empty it ) fairly quickly, there would be a nasty incident. Panic.

So I just stood up and told them I needed a 5 minute break! Sorted. No-one blinked an eyelid. Resumed 5 minutes later and all went well. No-one even mentioned it afterwards. Funny how I can feel so selfconscious about this stuff after all these months.

Another hard day today ( not home - via a haircut and facial in Newcastle- until Thursday night) - just taking a Blog Break before my last meetings of the day.

Oh - and the slobbishness of sedentary hotel life! All I do is eat and sleep - more of the former than the latter. Roll on Reconnection when I can start using hotel gyms again!

Saturday

Gosh! It's about 6.00pm on Sunday and I'm ready for bed! A long week in Brum ahead - I'm down there from tomorrow night until Thursday so I could do with the sleep I suppose.

It's not like I've had a busy day today though - I didn't get up till 10 and I think I was in bed by 9.30pm last night, although I did read for an hour or so. "Saturday" by Ian McEwan. J had read it recently and recommended it but coincidentally I picked it up on train last month. I'm really enjoying it - I was beginning to think I would never be able to read a book again. It's the concentration - I just don't seem to have it at the moment. (Maybe that's why I'm so tired?)

A quick visit from my brother O and his wife J was the main event of the day - they were on the way back from a birthday do in Newcastle. Good to see them and have a catch up about family stuff.

Mimosa Festival

Last night J and I had a really interesting and entertaining evening at The Star and Shadow Cinema in Newcastle seeing part of The Mimosa Festival . The main reason we were there was to see Topsy and Tom Shakespeare perform Tumbling and Laughing ( which was brilliant) but the whole evening was great. I really like that bit of Newcastle too.

Earlier I'd had a really good counselling session with The Other J which helped me loads with all my stuff this week and then Chemo XIX ( that's 19/24 - and just 5 to go!) They thought that the sore throat wasn't bad enough to stop the treatment. It's still there today but no worse.

I also decided not to take the anti sickness tablets this week in order to check my theory that it was them that were making me feel sick. I think it's worked. I felt a bit faint and wooozy this morning and again this afternoon ( a nap sorted that one) but I think I'm feeling better than I usually do at this point on a Saturday.

A quiet evening in front of the telly or the computer I think

My Favourite Poet

Reading at the last Hydrogen Jukebox
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

A busy night at Hydrogen Jukebox on Tuesday - so busy that I only took one photo! And then a long day in London - I was saying to J later that I really don't think I'm up to these long days trips. She pointed out that I HAD only had 4 hours sleep the night before!

Feeling a bit more on top of things today - being busy is helping. I think this is just a stage of the chemo - and maybe it's because I'm approaching the end. Just have to sit it out really. My sore throat has also returned, which doesn't augur well for having chemo tomorrow anyway.

Thanks for all your emails and txts - it's nice to know you're out there!

Talking

Just in case any of you were worried about me - I'm doing OK. Just decided to talk to my best friend about my stuff tonight rather than my blog. Always better really eh?

Normal service will be etc

Low Tuesday

I'm still feeling rather low today - can't think why in particular. (Objectively I reckon it's probably a side effect from the chemo but knowing that doesn't really help.) Just can't be bothered with stuff and finding it really hard to concentrate on work. ( I've really just done the bare minimum today and then felt guilty about it)

Tonight I'm going over to Darlington for the last Hydrogen Jukebox. ( Can't believe that that started 5 years ago!) I'll see J, which'll be great, but she'll be busy running around and so there won't be much time to talk.

Tomorrow I've got a meeting in London all day - maybe that will liven me up. It doesn't feel good being on my own at the moment.

Weather

Well, back at work today after a fairly sickly weekend. Sunday was better and I got quite creative with some poems amd video on the new mac. However, now on Monday, I realise I still feel a bit under the weather. Just checked my temperature and it's a bit up and I have a sore throat. Not enough to trouble the docs with at the moment but one to keep an eye on. Could explain why I'm feeling a bit low. Still got a nice bump on my head...

But the weather here is glorious! Really bright sunshine and my ( other) thermometer told me 25 degrees this afternoon! Believe me, for County Durham in September, that's amazing.

Headbanger

Another grim Saturday started with me sleeping late - well, for me anyway. Felt quite sick ( I'm still not sure that it might not be the anti-sickness drug that's making me feel sick. I know of other people who have thought that. Might try not taking it next week...) so I stumbled to the bathroom only to catch myself a terrible crack on the head from the bathroom shelf. I didn't know I knew some of the words I came out with at that point!

If anyone had dared to see the funny side of it all at that point it would have been me dressed only in T shirt and bag with a big towel on my head staggering around the house cursing as I tried to find the paracetamol. ( It's like a pharmacy round here and it still took me ages to find them. ) Another nice big lump on my head now. ho hum.

That, combined with general chemalaise ( my new word) has put me in to Lock Down today. No shopping trip, no calls - just sitting about. ( The towel's off my head now) Not really feeling miserable - just dealing with it on my own. It happens.

Trying to persuade myself I'm hungry now - but just can't think of anything I want to eat.

I expect tomorrow to be better.

Sunflower

The Only Sunflower...
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

Those of you that know me well will be aware that each year I grow loads of sunflowers and usually end up giving most of them away. For some reason this year, only one of the seeds grew so I've nurtured it really carefully - and this is the result! Not the biggest SF in the world, but still...

A quietish end to the week - although I can see that the next few weeks are going to be busy. Very tempting to be out in the sunshine too!

And of course, it's Friday. So that means Chemo XVIII. That's 18/24 or 3/4 AND 6 to go!

The Travelling Life

My return to The Travelling Life started early on a darkish breezy Tuesday morning on Durham Station, waiting for the train to Birmingham. Suddenly it felt like Autumn was coming. But by the time I got to London on Wednesday it was like summer again - sitting having a sandwich in the sunshine with a colleague from work and it could have been July!

It also always seems amzing to me how I can begin my first day back from holidays with a sense of complete bafflement and panic about what I do for a living and then by Day Three it's all slotted back into place and it's like I've never been on holiday.

It's not been a bad few days away - but it's good to be home at last. The bag is still playing up but least these days I know how to manage it so that things don't show ( I hope!) - but it can be d*mn uncomfortable! That could be to do with the fact that I've put on 6 lbs during my holidays. I'm certainly not going to get paranoid about that - I can always drop the weight when I'm sorted but it is interesting how much I'm still eating at the moment. I seem to be almost permanently hungry. I think it's a comfort thing in a way - I'm processing loads of stuff under the surface about how things will be post-connection - not all them have quite found words yet though.

Twenty Four!

A good day today, all in all.

The session with Dr C the oncology consultant went much better than I expected. She is happy for me to complete 24 treatments in total after all which means just another seven to go. That means that my last chemo should be on October 20th and if you allow about a month for recovery from that, then I'm on schedule for my reconnection towards the end of November! It feels so good to be able to write that so clearly.

That was then followed by the barium X Ray which is to check that the join in my bowel is fine. It's an uncomfortable and emabarassing prodeedure but the staff are always very gentle and discreet. Afterwards the radiologist told me that, although she's not an expert, it looked fine to her. So - more good news.

Geting back into work, even from home was hard though. Loads to catch up on and I just decided to be very disciplined and take it very easy. It's the right approach I think but the next three days away are certainly not going to be easy at all. And now I also have to plan for an absence in November... ( I don't know how long that will all take - I need to check. I get the impression that the op itself is fairly short and straightforward but I think it's the recovery that can depend on how one's individual system readjusts. )

I was really pleased to have a counselling session this evening to try to make sense of all that as well - it really helped.

On top of that, J and I had a great, boozy, chatty, laughing catch up meal last night. I so love talking with her and being with her. Jer daughter D is back after three months in Greece on Wednesday - J is so exicted about it, bless her!

So - that's all the positive stuff. But somewhere I feel this weird undercurrent of concern or anxiety about the future. This is all really just the end of the beginning isn't it? Lots more to go before I'm finally declared cancer free.

Home Again!

So - here I am back from two weeks away. Bristol, Plymouth, Faversham and Hereford. You can see the pictures here, here and here. Great to catch up with old friends and family - and myself. It's also actually very nice to be home (I've driven over 1700 miles in the last fortnight!)

I'm not going to do a full resume of the whole trip - but some of the highlights were definitely:

*Seeing S&J in Bristol on the way down - sorry the music chart has slipped the last couple of weeks...

*Mum and G's flat at Fort Picklecombe

*The Lost Gardens of Heligan ( once I'd found them...)

*A meal at the Friary Manor Hotel

*Another meal with friend D at Wheeler's Oyster Bar in Whitstable

*Playing swings with my nephew N at my mum's

*A 3 mile ( my longest this year!) walk with G along the old Herefordshire and Gloucestershire Canal

*A Thai Takeaway meal with Mum and G and O&J to celebrate mum and G's tenth wedding anniversary. ( Waiting for photos of this one!)

It was wonderful to have two whole weeks with out chemo! ( Yesterday I had number 17/30 - can't be bothered to work out the %..) Mostly I was fine healthwise while I was away - although the bag played up a bit and I had to send for emergency supplies while I was away. SecuriCare were brilliant - I got new stuff sent to Hereford in just over 24 hours.

And now I'm home and ( typically) it's raining. I'm having a quiet weekend recovering from chemo ( not tooo bad actually) and looking forward to seeing J on Sunday. She's away this weekend. I'm also waiting in for her luggage which got lost " somewhere over Europe" on her flight from hell back from Hamburg yesterday.

Trying not to think about going back to work - I've a long hard week ahead - in Birmingham and London. Oh - and a review with Dr Coxon ( chemo) followed by a Barium x ray on Monday morning - both of which should help get things clarified as to when I can get the reconnection.

Generally I feel like I'm beginning to get on with getting on so the holiday must have done me some good!