Thought for the Day

It is Sunday after all....

I recently got this offblog from a very good friend: ( Used with their permission)

"In a blog entry for an early chemo time you reported pain that the chemo people thought couldn't possibly be after effects, it was too soon. As if you anticipated feeling as you do now, from the start. 'I just want to get on with my life' echoes the options given you before starting the chemo. There's nothing in your writing about the other side: 'this makes me feel so bad I will quit it; but it may save/extend my life...' Have you forgotten that it might, do you disbelieve that it will, is there no point doing further research about it? Are you just blogging that way for literary effect? Is your fundamental position that the cancer can't kill you; or that it's going to, chemo or not; or that the chemo now is worse than how ill you'll feel with the further cancer it possibly - possibly... - can't retard/prevent if you quit now? Maybe 15/30 is enough? Who derived those numbers anyway? (bet they never had to take the treatment). "

Good and clear eh?

Here's what I replied:

"I bet a lot of people are thinking like you - essentially " Why doesn't he put up or shut up?" I think when it boils down to it, the hospital won't or can't tell me that another 15 treatments will significantly improve my chances of avoiding a recurrence - actually with my form of cancer, they can't actually tell me ( they don't have the stats) whether it will make any difference at all. I know they THINK it might or they wouldn't have given me the ( expensive ) treatment. If they just sat me down and said " Simon - we know how much you hate this treatment, but honestly - just another 10...? But they don't - the attitude and tone is " You can stop this anytime you like, you know..." So in that position, I am forced back on my own resources. (I've spent long hours in my counseling sessions on this ) And yes, I AM nervous about plainly saying that 15 is enough and I'll not have any more before the reconnection - after all, Doctor is supposed to know best - so I'll continue with as many treatments as I can - but each one from now on will be a fight. There's something more that the hospital should be doing for me in terms of support or understanding ( or just LISTENING) but I'm damned if I know what it is - and I can't tell them what. "

I think the only thing I'll add to that is that I have been thinking a lot and frankly, worrying a lot about the cancer recurring. The thing is that pressing on to complete the full course of chemo doesn't help to assuage those worries at all. Make of that what you will - I reckon it's just me beginning to prepare myself for my post-connection future. " Getting on with the rest of my life" will also mean dealing with that worry all the time - and particularly around the time of every 6 monthly check up for five years.

On a more cheerful note ( !) - it's a sunny Sunday morning and the sickness is finally beginning to fade.