Don Correleone in recovery - stop press

Posting from Electric Lady - after a pretty awful few days looking a bit more chipper - but definitely not eating chips. Shall I tick the soup?

Pressing on

A bad few days but on more even keel now. More later.

Feeling OK

Pain under control now and I've had a first look at my wound - and of course the stoma. Am drinking water and had a small bit of biscuit earler.Oh - and have been sat out of bed this morning. Every one is pleased - not least of all J and I. My mum and G up this afternoon. Thanks for all the messages.

Bedblog II

Operation completed! Feel pretty grim and bruised - but it's done. More later.

Bedblog

Well - it looks like it's worked. I can bedblog via email.

I can also see my blog on the ipaq and the comments (for which, thanks) - but the browser and connection are too slow/cumbersome to let me reply. So, Sam - my surname is James.

An array of people to see me this evening - consultant, anaesthetist, specialist nurse - all instilling me with huge amounts of confidence. And now I'm just trying to rest, be quiet and prepare myself for tomorrow.In between rather a lot of trips to the toilet...

I'll be back in a day or two - let you know how I am.

First Hospital Blog

Well I'm here.

They told me to come in at 11.00 and by 2.30 there was even a bed! J and I had a long boring wait in the "Soft Area" while lots of people came and told us how keen they were to give me Picolax but never did. I've had it now though.

And Denise the Stoma Nurse has just been to mark my tummy for the ileostomy - so it looks like I'm nearly ready. Just the anaesthestist and Mr Bain to see. And of course wait for the Picolax to work...

I may write more later but I just want to check that this will send OK.

TTFN

J is over again tonight so were going to have a quiet ( blog free) evening in. And a HUGE roast dinner!

This is it then.

My last blog before I go into hospital in the morning. Not my last blog before the op as I’ll try a transmission from the hospital tomorrow. I'm also trying to hatch a Cunning Plan to post pictures that I take on my cameraphone ( amusing bedpan shots and the like) to the blog. And I may be able to see any comments you make here and get emails on my ipaq . But maybe I won’t feel arsed to do any of it – just have to play it by ear.

So - for those of you who’d like to do the old-fashioned pen-writing thing while I’m away, then I’m in:

Ward 13
University Hospital of North Durham
North Road
Durham
DH1 5TW

I feel fine - strong positive and loved.

Ta ta for now

Be back soon

Simon xx

Leaving

Radio 5 went well yesterday. In and out very quickly. Those odd cramps were still bad but they seem a little easier this morning.

Apart from a haircut at lunchtime, I spent most of the day in the office, closing things off - actually quite capable I think.

J and I were talking the other night about this ridiculous need to be at our posts as far as work is concerned - it's really important to me that I managed to show up at work every day last week. On the other hand, now I'm finished, it will quickly slip to the back of my mind and beyond.

Bu when it came to leave the office last evening, I really didn't want to go! Not only because when they're all in work there on Monday I'll be on my way to hospital, but also because I probably won't be back there ever as an employee because the regional offices are closing at the end of March. A weird feeling.

A quick drink and farewell with colleagues after work and then home to fish and chips.

Oh - and I don't usually quote direct advice from Other Bottoms on here - but this from a new contact in the USA:

" ….remember the prep is the worst of the whole operation. they don't like running into any poops so you have to be clean as a whistle going in. after that you are pumped so full of drugs it's a real trip until you come down and have to recover... even then they do pain management. so milk it! get as high as you want. i did without becoming addicted to anything. so no worries there. "

Class eh? (Thanks S)

Today - a quiet day. J is coming over later and we'll cook tea and watch DVDs.

The Last Sweetcorn.

Day Four of the radiotherapy - into the routine now - but a lunchtime appointment instead of morning. No music today either (maybe I've upset them..?) - but I was invited to inspect the Survivor's Tapestry when I arrived at the clinic...

I mentioned to them about the cramps and the tiredness and although understanding and listening, they're pretty sure that it's not the radiotherapy that's causing it - it's too short a course of treatment. So I don't really know - it's not that bad and if it gets worse I'll just go and see my GP tomorrow.

But talking of understanding and listening, I went for my first counselling session with J today ( Yes - another J!). Very useful to clarify some things before I go in and think about how to cope in hospital. We've agreed to meet again for a regular session when I come out.

And just to round off the plumbing saga, the builder and the plumber came round this morning and we agreed that we'd just leave it for now - Sod's Law has meant that the hot water has been fine for the last week! They did say that if mum and G have any problems while they're staying here, then to call them and they'll come straight round.

My appetite has been up and down all week - either not hungry at all or ravenous or craving chocolate. Or gherkins. ( Same with alcohol - I couldn't stand the thought of a drink last night - but tonight a glass or two of wine has gone down nicely..). But tonight a nice sensible ordinary meat and two veg tea - including sweetcorn. I suddenly realised that it'll be my last for a few months...

You Sexy Thing...

Third Day of radiotherapy.

I lay face down on the trolley as usual, pulled down my trousers so they could line up with the tatoos and today's CD track started. By Hot Chocolate.

" I believe in miracles - where're you from, you sexy thing..."

Even the radiographer had to laugh at that one!

Definitely feeling some side effects now - I get more and more tired as the day goes on - and although they said I might have a sensation like sunburn, it feels more like cramps or sore muscles to me. But OK - not enough to keep me awake. Frankly - nothing is.

I spoke to Iain Bain my consultant this morning - he called me again as I was leaving for the General. He just wanted to check I was OK - and did I have any questions about the op? That was really nice of him I thought - gives me a lot of confidence.

I went into work for a while after my treatment ( and a visit to the dentist!) but I'm not really doing anything there - and everyone understands that. I'm going to try at least show my face there each day for the rest of the week.

Oh - and I must pay tribute to Andrew, the quiet genius at dot com systems in Durham. ( Amazingly they don't have a website) I think I said that the other day that my main PC ( the one I built last year) had stopped working. I thought it was probably the power unit so I took it in to Andrew yesterday to check. He checked the power supply and it wasn't that - in the end he dicovered it was the motherboard! Completely gone. He had a replacement and I could have done it myself but with everything else at the moment, it just felt like too much. I said that to him - and he offered to do it for me.

Driving past the shop tonight, my mobile rang. Did I want to pick up my PC? All done.

And it's all back fine - it took me a while to sort the wirelesss connection and networking but here were are!

I've just spoken to J on the phone ( she's working in Glasgow till tomorrow) - she pointed out that one of the advantages of an ileostomy is not having to use the toilets at rock festivals...

Mozart

Radiotherapy Day Two. As they promised, it was a lot quicker today – but as the day has progressed, I’ve got more and more tired again, so I’m wondering whether this is a side effect. Going to have another earlyish night I think.

Yesterday while I was having my treatment, they played some fairly innocuous rock music – but today it was classical. Very nice – very tasteful.

Then I recognised one of the tunes. Mozart’s Requiem.

Always look on the bright side of life eh?!

Then off to Shotley Bridge Community Hospital for my pre-op assessment with Clare the Nurse Practitioner.. All my blood, breathing, blood pressure etc are fine – so all set for next Monday. She was very helpful and clear – and a U2 fan…

As well as speaking very highly of Iain Bain my consultant (who left a message on my mobile tonight asking how I was!) she told me more about the surgery:

(There’s a new Bowel Protocol at the hospital she says…)

In no particular order:

• They’ll give me an epidural for the pain ( I think I was talking about that with one of my American blogging friends? Wasn’t sure if they gave you it in the UK. Maybe just a swig of rum and some leather to bite on..?)

• As well as waking to the ileostomy, I’ll be catheterised when I come round. But not for long.

• I’ll be in Intensive Care for the first 24 hours – this is normal.

• Day after surgery they’ll get me up for a while to get me moving – lessens the risk of blood clots.

• I should expect to be in hospital for two weeks

• Probably most useful of all – make sure that everyone who touches me ( staff or visitors) has washed their hands – and don’t be embarrassed to ask them if they have! It’s the MRSA thing..

I’m sure there was other stuff that I probably should have written down – it’ll come to me.

Days seem to pass very quickly – and very slowly at the same time. But I think I’m doing OK.

Joining the dots

Thanks for everybody's good wishes today. I'll make this fairly short as it's late and I've had a long day. Oh - and the power unit on my main PC has blown - so I'm doing this from the ( slower) back up. Like I need that problem this week...

I had the first radiotherapy session this morning. Because it was the first one, it took longer (about an hour) because they had to check all their measurements against my tatooed dots. It should be quicker tomorrow.

You don't feel anything at all while it's happening - the machine just whirs and hums and ( I think) rotates around you.

They warned me about all the side effects again before they started - tiredness and diarrhea mainly - but also said that as this is only a short treatment, it should be OK. And if I do get any side effects, they'll kick in when I'm in hospital next week...

But I did feel queasy and tired as the day went on - but I didn't sleep much last night so I really put it down to that rather than side effects on Day One.

Went into work briefly but came home at 3.00 and slept for two hours! Felt much better after that - then out for a quick couple of pints in Durham with my brother O who is up here on business. Nice to see him. He then went back to his hotel in Newcastle and I came home. A nice long chat with J - we're both suddenly realising that this is for real I think.

Oh - and I had lunch with my friend S ( who lives locally) and our mutual old university friend H who is over from Singapore for a couple of weeks staying with her. He had brought me the most amazing batik sarong! Wasn't that sweet of him? I'm wearing it as I write - will try and post a picture later in the week.

Day Two of radiotherapy tomorrow - and the pre-op health assessment, It's all go!

Choos!

Well - here they are! My Christmas present to J. While she was down in London this week she called into the shop to change them - I'd got them in her normal size, but they'd been a bit big for her. But these are class!

They got their first airing last night at dinner with friends J & J and C & M in Tanfield. A lovely evening of good food and chat and wine (no wine for J - she's on self-imposed abstinence at the moment)- and the inevitable 60's pop trivia.


And no - I hadn't heard of The Fendermen and their only hit "Mule Skinner Blues". I have now.

My fault for going on and on about my new toy I suppose...

Trying to get myself sorted for the start of the radiotherapy tomorrow.

Slipping Away

In the middle of the night I heard this track by Moby on the radio. I'm not usually that keen on his stuff but I thought that this song was so lovely. And hopeful.

(Click on the blog title to hear it)


All that we needed was right
The threshhold is breaking tonight

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I needed I never could say
Hold onto people they're slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away

All that we needed tonight
Are people who love us and like
I know how it feels to need
Oh when we leave here, the seas

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I needed I never could say
Hold onto people they're slipping away
Hold onto this while it's slipping away

So long
So long

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I needed I never could say
Hold on to people they're slipping away.

It's not all bad you know... (iv)

From left to right, friends M, M, S and moi after an evening out at my local at Hilltop. A great evening catching up on each others' lives and loves and gossiping about North East traditional music and musicians. ( In this picture, I'm successfully selling them several of my old folk CDs... )

I have so many good friends.

Radiotherapy

Looks like I was lucky to get mine booked so quickly.

Plumbing

I came back from work tonight to the letter confirming my hospital date as 23 January and an appointment for my pre-op assessment on Tuesday 17th - thank goodness the cough has shifted. Also went to see my GP tonight - really just to make contact. Of course, no-one had told him yet that I have cancer! But he was great - said if there was anything he could do - if I didn't undertand anything about my treatment - if I needed a doctor to shout at another doctor for me... Great - just what I needed.

But it's all getting closer now and that means I'm getting less connected with other stuff - work for sure - but also the house. I'm still trying to sort my plumbing problem ( as in plumbing - not plumbing..) from before Christmas out - had the builders in today to look at my water tank. It needs moving - the better option would be to get a combi boiler fitted but I need the work doing while I'm in hospital and I don't think I could bear to come home to that much disruption - or my sense of it. It's the downside of living alone - you always know where everything is...

Something needs to be sorted before I go in ( they're coming back next week with another plumber - a sort of second opinion) - at the moment I often don't have hot water if the boiler decides not to refill. Fine at the moment - I can shave from a kettle of hot water and have showers - but not afterwards.

But I felt paralysed by indecison about it until I talked it through with J. ( She's away in London at the moment. Back tomorrow.) It feels clearer now -I just focus on what I want. um.. hot water. As J said, a hot bath may well be really important to me when I get home. Focus on getting that, however much it costs.

hmmm..maybe I should rename this blog. " My Plumbing" ?

On the Edge

It's very tempting to succumb to a whole lot of low stuff tonight. It's getting harder to focus on anything but the radiotherapy and the operation.


But this is the picture and poem by Vesa and Katri Niinikingas that I was talking about the other night.

The English text reads:


" My brothers sent me

to the watershed, there it would become clear

whether I was with them

or against them.


I walk briskly,

I am curious myself.

A stone's throw from the goal

I decide to change course.


That seems to help.

Blunt James

Router sorted! I am online at home again! New power cable arrived yesterday.

A poor night's sleep, an early start and the smug blokeness of First Class to London for the day. My last trip away before the op.

Given that I don't know how I'll be after the radiotherapy next week, I'm treating this like my last full week at work. Lots of meetings to keep me busy.

It was OK really. A good meeting with my boss K and a card from her wishing me well. No pressure about coming into work after the radiotherapy next week. ( But I'll try..) Oh - and in a good humoured few minutes, she and R from HR told me I'd be redundant at the end of March...

Well - it was me that suggested that we might as well do that formal bit while I was there - it's not like it's a surprise is it?

Then a bit of retail therapy in Oxford Street. Just looking...

And back home on the train - I slept most of the way with The National ( the greatest band in the known universe ) on my ipod. I've just got some new earphones which are class. I am Gadget Boy

You know, I did think that by now ( with just about two weeks till my surgery ) that I'd be out running and exercising getting myself fit for the op. I'd have started to lose the few pounds that I always put on over Christmas. But this damn cold ( which I think is finally shifting) has put paid to that. Plus, of course, there's the usual post Christmas malaise. I'm sure ( I know ) I'm not the only one. But I feel blurry and stodgy, vague and slow.

And being in London emphasised that - it's all so speedy. Rushed.

I'm trying to relax and enjoy myself - and I am in many ways. ( I'm now a flickring gadgeting Fender-playing Rock god of course…) but I do know that part of how I enjoy myself is about being fast, sharp and edgy and yes, clever. And I don't feel that. I can't read anything more than a short mag article. Or write like I know I can.

Definitely Blunt James.

One more thing to do when I got home. Ring my ex parents-in-law R & C - with whom I'm still very close. ( I told my ex-wife C the other night but that's a story for another night...) They're just back from a month in Spain and I'd decided not to tell them until they got back. They were both loving and concerned and offered to help in any way they could. But I know they were much more upset than they let on - I hate having to do this to people. Feel like it's my fault. I'm trying so hard not to try to manage people's responses to this news ( as if I could anyway! ) but the temptation is always there. I had to force myself to use the word "Cancer" rather than leaving it at "They've found a small tumour...". But I did it.

You know - I should just fucking chill a bit!

flickrmeet!

The Angels of the North. What a fine warm friendly bright chatty set of people they are! We all met up in The Bob Trollop ( really) and had a bite to eat. ( I can recommend the Chocolate Fudge Pudding…) Much admiring of cameras and snapping anything that moved. Or in fact didn't. Then off to the Quayside to take more pictures .

Unlike the company the weather was cold and dull and after about an hour I lost the use of my snapping finger due to the cold and headed home. But a great afternoon - I'm sure I'll do it again, either pre- or post-op.

Oh - and someone at the flickrmeet was kind enough to say that he liked my poem . Well - cancer isn't ging to stop me being a blatant self-publicist (isn't that what a blog is about anyway? ) so you can read ( and, if you click on the title of each one, listen to ) more of them here.

Telecaster!

Called into work to blog this - on my way to a flickrmeet at last!( More of which tomorrow I'm sure). Have had to wait till now to post because my broadband is still knackered at home and I wanted to use this picture that J took in the shop. ( Should get the power cable this week and get my bb back.)

So. I finally bought a Fender Telecaster! The guitar I've dreamed of owning since I was about 14. Never had the nerve to do it.Thought I wasn't worthy. ( Long story)

J and I first tried in Dublin a couple of years ago - I couldn't do it. But on Saturday afternoon with J and her 17-year old nephew J ( many J's in my life!) we did it. Pauley in Sound Control in Newcastle was really great - even when I tried to plug the jack plug into the strap hole…

It's just so class. I can't stop grinning. As you can see.

Then following a little retail therapy at Reiss, we all went to The Tyneside Cinema to see Woody Allen's "Match Point". A strange film - beautifully photographed and nicely played with a twist at the end that wraps the film into a nice bow - but stilted in a way. Worth seeing though.

And so to the flickrmeet! More tomorrow

CT Scan

Had the scan at Newcastle General this morning. I got there early because they'd warned me about the parking. Actually didn't have a problem with it so I got in early - and was seen early! I really don't like the clinic though - as I said last time, it's terrifying in it's sparse cheerfulness

But everyone there was very helpful and clear and the whole thing only took 15 mins. I now have three little tatooed dots on my hips and back to help them line up properly when they begin the radiotherapy on the 16th. No photos of them I'm afraid. I know my arse is public property but still...

"This changes nothing..."

To carry on the analogy from the last post, I feel like I'm treading water today. And I can't shake off this bloody cold.

But yesterday I spoke to A who'll be my new boss at ecotec and told him about the cancer and the treatment and the timescales. He was very sympathetic and immediately said to me " This changes nothing as far as I'm concerned ". Although I had expected that he'd be fine about it, it came as an enormous relief to hear him say it. Somehow it gives me a clear thing to be aiming at the other end of this - even if it's not April that I can start with them. We've agreed that I'll be back in touch in February

I came up with another blogtitle as well ( OK - I'm watching too much bad TV..):

"Die Another Day - " A gadget-packed spy adventure"...

Talking of gadgets and adventures - another CT scan tomorrow. This is so that they can pinpoint the radiotherapy the week after next.

.Deeper and Down

Blogging from my ipaq tonight - it's def the powercable that's gone on my broadband router. Have to order a new one from Belkin in the morning. Hope this works.

Bit low tonight - earlier I described it to J as like walking into the sea. I can feel the water lapping around my ankles - soon it'll be my legs, waist etc. Up to my neck in it. Out of my depth. You get my drift.

I feel like I'm just watching the water rise - just standing there with a sort of numb fascination. Feeling there's something I should be doing about it ( Running away? Diving in? Calling for help? Waiting for the tide to turn? ) but actually just paralysed. I suppose we all have to face the inevitable in our own way. Not drowning but waving.

There's a really good image for this on my kitchen wall - from a calendar that I bought from Kalle, one of the Finnish Poets a month or so ago. (You'll have to look back for the posting - remember I'm not online tonight. Amazing how much I rely on the internet/ connectivity for stuff! ) Done by Katri Niinikangas. A figure by the edge of some water. Class. I'll see if I can get the picture tomorrow and post it anyway.

(Later) Maybe the better analogy is about walking into a river - this cancer thing is a crossing - there's dry land on the other side. Water will close in over me but people will keep me afloat - I'll swim if I can. But my feet will touch bottom (sic) again.

Just look out for the currents eh?

Bollocks. I'm off to bed.

Back to work...

...which is where I'm posting this from as my broadband router decided to give up the ghost last night. A fuse I think.

So - here I am for a couple of weeks. ( Operation is three weeks today..) A couple of colleagues have said that actually I may feel too tired to come in after the radiotherapy during the final week. Will have to see.

Loads to do. Deciding what work things I can sort before I go - and which of them I just have to let go.

Things are of course, complicated by the fact that the vast majority of my team ( including myself) will be made redundant on 31 March as LSDA transforms itself into QIA and LSN ( with me so far? ) - neither of whom need a regional infrastructure.

I really hope to be back before then but I can't count on it.

And the immediate thing to sort out is a conversation with my new employers, who I was hoping to join on 3 April. I need to explain the situation and see what they say. The consultant has already said that he thinks I'd be pushing it to start then - and of course, I'll need to take time off later in the year for my reconnection.

Ah well - que sera etc.

Last night - out for a beer and catch up with old friend C. He has his own deep sadnesses and all we could really do is compare car crashes. These things aren't relative - to each they're absolute. It was good to see him. Some people remain friends no matter how little you actually see them.

New Year's Day

A lovely NYE with J. We watched the film (both forgetting the surprise ending!) and then saw the new year in with Brad and Percy :



Then out of the blue, we got invited in for a drink with the neighbours - more whisky ( J's from a kid's plastic cup with a built-in straw. We thought it was odd at the time...) and even more bizarre conversation - Mr Neighbour is a Hell's Angel...

We made our excuses after an hour and left.

And As The Long Day Closed, we watched another video. Absolutely lovely - like a Dutch painting.

This morning slow slow. But J came up with a new suggestion for a title for the blog:

( To the tune of Boney M's "Brown Girl In The Ring")

" Show Me A Motion..."