New Year's Eve...

...and time to think about my New Year Resolutions.

1) Lose weight ( I decided that last year too - and have put on half a stone since then...)

2) Get fit again. ( With a specific goal in mind)

3) Reach Level 70 on World of Warcraft. ( Decide what to do then once the new expansion comes out)


4) Investigate becoming a Cancer Voice. ( The only C - related resolution )

and finally

5) Take and post a self-portrait every day for a year. ( Sosij has been my inspiration for this)



There are others - but they're just for me.

Pre New year Post

I've been a bit low for the last few days. Mostly I think it's been this horrible cold I've had - hot sweaty sleepless nights and coughing days. I'm feeling better but I'm still going to take it easy today - just venture out with Alfie when needs must.

But it's also the time of year - one year ends and another begins etc - I sort of feel stuck in the middle at the moment. For me a lot of 2007 has felt sluggish ( I may name it Year of the Slug..) while I recovered healthwise - and that was right, I needed that time. But now I need to get on, to push myself a bit.

But it was also the year I lost my mum and that still hurts a lot.

Post Christmas Post

Christmas began with J's party last Friday. A great night with much alcohol consumed - and the Most Awful Hangover the next morning when I drove 300 miles to spend a lovely Christmas with my brother A and his family - Christmas Day is definitely better with small children around! We also popped over to Bristol to see the rest of the family. ( Mum was there in spirit I'm sure...).

Then I drove back up home on Boxing Day to meet J for our own Christmas which was wonderful. The last one in this house too...

And now - Alfie is out of the kennels - I've another week off work and - I've come down with a really sore throat cough and cold! Still feeling horrible today and so I'm staying in instead of going out to see friends as I'd hoped. Ah well - it's probably just nature's way of telling me I need a rest!

At least the telly's good...

Merry Christmas and a happy healthy new year!!

Happy Christmas!
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi

Instead of sending christmas cards this year, I'm making a donation to Beating Bowel Cancer. I'd be delighted if you wanted to do the same.


xx

Party Animal

With L - at London Office Party Tuesday.


With M and K last night



With former colleagues on Wednesday night.

Think I'll stay in tonight!

Made It!

Blimey! It's been a busy weekend! I took the day off on Friday and got all my Christmas Shopping done in Newcastle. ( and a new suit for yourself - ed) Then out with friends in the evening on The Curry Train before staying over in Newcastle.

On Saturday I got the train to London ( sad to see the end of GNER) so I could see one of my favourite bands The Mountain Goats play live at the Union Chapel in Islington. They were superb! And best of all they played "I'm going to make it through this year", the song that has been one of the anthems of my illness - and on the second anniversary of being told I had cancer too.

I thought about me and J in that little room with my consultant. Not sure how I feel about that now - it's like it's a dream I had once.

I left the hotel fairly early on Sunday morning and now I'm home again and contemplating my week to come :(

Launches...

...in Middlesbrough, Stockton, London and tonight in Newcastle.

It's been a busy week!

Another Anniversary!

The blog is two years old today! Odd to look back at last year's posting. I was recently out of hospital and of course, mum was still alive - though there were hints of her illness in what I wrote. I remember that day - a year on I'm so much better!

Just back from an overnight trip to Doncaster to see R&C - the Christmas Present exchange as they'll be away in Spain then. Lovely to see them.

Hopefully J over later ( another reading tomorrow night - that's four this week!) but in the meantime I'd better do some Christmas planning...

Among The Stars

Liz, Jenny and Moi
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi

On Monday night in London I went with two of my colleagues to the National Star Awards where we were one of the sponsors.

The trick is to make it look easy...

Roker Beach

A blowy cold afternoon but we had a nice run on the beach. Now to settle into Sunday evening.

Saturday Afternoon...

..and I'm trying to take it easy. J is away with the girls and Alfie and I have just been for a very long walk. The afternoon is dimming into evening already and I think I'll batten down the hatches, watch a film and cook myself a nice supper later.

Feeling pretty good healthwise but not looking forward to the next four weeks - loads of travelling with work. ( and a few Christmas parties... - ed) Monday is London and then back Tuesday for J's first two poetry launch events.

Routine

I had my six monthly check up this morning. All very routine - I didn't even see my consultant. All seems fine to them - I can def start exercise again and the back pain is nothing to worry about. Had the usual blood test for CEA Markers - no news in a fortnight will be good news.

As I say, all very routine.

But I still burst into tears in the car afterwards.

Weeping For The Lovely Phantoms

J's poetry collection is finally published!

One of the dedications reads: " In Memory of Jean Stacey 1938 - 2007 "

My mum.

Is it Friday Yet..?

Hey! I think it might be!

Another very long week workwise - but not without its pleasures. I'm very glad to be home though - and so is Alfie. J is coming over tonight - for the whole weekend! We need to get her poetry videos finalised.

My tummy has been much better this week - maybe just a bit more exercise and sensible eating (and drinking) has helped?

Oh - and my offer on the house in Darlington has been accepted! ( Now all you need to do is sell yours - ed) I can't wait to show you all - but for the time being, I'm far too superstitious...

Making Connections

On the early train to London this morning I looked at the date. November 7th. Significant in some way. Then I remembered. I had my reconnection a year ago today.

Not sure how one celebrates such things...
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Where is the time going?

Because of a very late finish with work on Friday night, the weekend seems to have gone very quickly indeed. But I still had a good time - J was over most of the weekend while we worked on videos to go with her new poetry collection which is out very soon. Great fun - but as with all technical/creative stuff, occasionally very frustrating! It was good to relax and go out for a meal to celebrate her brother in law's birthday on Saturday.

On Sunday we went to look at another house in Darlington - in the same street as the one I really like. It was nice but not AS nice. I think it may just be time to put an offer in and see what happens...

My tummy is still a bit sore but I may have got to the er... bottom of it (enough! - ed) - typically not from a doctor. I had my massage last week with The Other J and she thinks that it's just that my tummy muscles have become so weak that my pelvis is tilting forward and putting extra pressure. It makes sense to me - and apparently a similar thing happens in pregnancy. So - lots of gentle tummy exercise for me and we'll see what happens.

Frantic

It's feeling like such a frantic week with work that I don't seem to have time to stop and do anything properly, let alone blog. ( And apologies to those whom I owe a call or an email! )

But - I'm OK. My tummy seems to have eased the last few days - it's almost like the running around helps it. As long as I keep the bags light and the eating regular. and er..follow medical advice.. ;)

More at the weekend I hope.

Sorting

I'm just back after an overnight trip down to Hereford to help my brothers and G sort some of my mum's stuff . It's something that none of us were looking forward to but we knew it had to be done.

O & A and I had a nice night in the pub on Saturday talking a bit about the future and mum's house ( which we now own) and a lot about the past - but all in a very relaxed way. It was a good night.

The clearing today was hard ( mostly clothes and papers) but we kept each other going and by mid afternoon we'd done enough to be satisfied. We also turned up some fascinating family stuff - like my great uncle's First War call up papers - and SO many photographs that O's new scanner may burn out!

( Go on - tell them that as a result of all the family tree investigations everyone's pretty sure you were the first member of your whole family to ever go to university - ed)

My tummy is still very sore - the tablets that the doc gave me have just upset it without really helping with the discomfort. Not sure what to do about that. It won't stop me travelling away with work this week but it won't make it easy.

Oh - and the shortlist of two possible houses for me has halved as a result of J and I having another look on Friday evening. But more on that in due course...

Doctor

I went to see my GP this morning about my stomach pains. He checked everything and said that it all seemed OK to him - and, as far as he could tell, the hernia repair was still fine. He puts it down to things still settling down after the last op. I'm not sure what that means really but I think I'm reassured.

Finbar...

...is my former father-in-law's nickname. Mainly because his musical hero is Finbar Furey. Last night I took Finbar to see er.. Finbar in Newcastle. We had a great night.

Healthwise I thought I had another bout of flu coming on on Friday night but a long sleep seemed to sort it. I also have quite a lot of soreness in my tummy at the moment - like I've pulled a muscle or something? But it's not the hernia as such. Am going to try to take it easy this week - I don't need to be away.

( So far - ed)

Unlucky for some...

Unlucky for some...
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi

Well - in spite of being allocated this hotel room in Birmingham, I lived to tell the tale....

A Relaxing Weekend ...

...but I may be playing World of Warcraft too much...

(Courtesy of South Park )

Do Ya Wanna Touch...

iTouch
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi

I've just finished a week working at home and to be honest, it'll be nice to be back on the road next week! I was actually quite bored by Friday - and I think Alfie was as well. I've just spent too many years travelling and it's just part of my lifestyle now.

But the week had a number of highlights, not least of all, a briliant gig by Mary Gauthier on Tuesday - but also my first full session at the gym in eighteeen months. I was a bit sore afterwards, but all manageable.

And then of course there's my new toy...


(Of course, when you get your new house, all this will have to stop - ed)

Kith and Kin

Well I suppose it's fairly obvious in psychological terms I suppose. Mother dies and sons, one by one, catch the Family Tree bug. The great thing is that my brother O has made contact with various branches of the family who have all done work on this and there's a story that already goes back to 1700.

This picture is from about 1910 and the youg woman in the back row far left is my grandmother Dorothy.

Meanwhile back in the present - I've just about recovered from my flu now and am settling down to a quiet Sunday at home. It's been gloriously sunny the last few days - today it's misty and dull.

Up Too Late On A Thursday Night

Too Late On A Thursday Night
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi

I should be in bed....

Skitch!

In a gloriously Web 2.0 self-referential moment I get to show off Skitch. What a great application!

( Feeling better then..? - ed)

Early to bed and...

..early to rise. If you're away from home and you suddenly come down with flu that is.



I felt fine when I got up on Monday morning but by the time I got to my first meeting in Coventry I felt grim. I tried sleeping it off last night but even 10 hours of solid sleep didn't sort it. So this morning I've got the train home and will call it quits for the day. They can manage without me.



(Of course you don't actually believe that - ed)





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Work Hard Play Hard

I know a few friends are concerned that I'm working too hard - but honestly I'm fine. Yes I do a stressful job but I actually wouldn't have it any other way - I have a low boredom threshold. And it is really great to just feel healthy again!

I am away for a two days tomorrow - but then ( touch wood) I'm home for about 10 days.

But the week hasn't all been work. On Monday night my friend C and I went to see The Alabama Three in Newcastle. A brilliant gig - they are so good live!

And on Friday I went down to J's ( looked at another house - and one on Saturday too - still nothing to really beat the one we saw last week though) and had a really nice meal with her daughter B and B's boyfriend S. B was here to pick up my old car from me - which she did on Saturday. I was sorry to see it go - but I know it's in good hands - and I do have the new one...

And today the sun is shining! Am going to pay a few bills online and then take Alfie out for a long walk.

The First Day of Autumn

Or so my calendar tells me. It's beginning to feel like it too - a gloomy will-it won't-it rain sort of Sunday morning here - and a few leaves are falling. Even put my central heating on last night...

Updates - health. Good - am about to start back at the gym this afternoon ( another indoor pursuit for the autumn). I thought I'd poppped my hernia again on Tuesday this week, reaching down to pick up something off the floor of the train, but it just ached for a few hours and all was well. Phew!

House buying/selling: OK. One couple round to look at mine last week - hard to tell if they were interested really. But that's part of the game isn't it? J and I looked at a lovely house in Darlington on Friday night - and I'm very tempted - but I know I need to look at more than the two I've looked at so far!

Work: Feeling inexorable at the moment. It's symptomatic that I am really excited to discover that in mid-October I may have a whole week when I don't have to be away! Alfie will be pleased.

Pirate

Pirate Day
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi Arr!

My guess is that this was taken in the mid-eighties - me aged 26? But I'm open to guesses cos I certainly don't remember! The Parrot looks friendly - if deflated...

(And its owner -ed)

London Boys

We had a great time! The gig was brilliant and it was really nice to spend some time with O.

You can see the photos here and the vidclips here. For now, I've got the ironing to do and the house to tidy - my first house-viewer is coming round tomorrow!

Getting It On

The long work days continue - but my health stays remarkably good.

Apart from that, I'm going to look at a house in Darlington on Friday and on Saturday my brother O and I are meeting up in London to reminisce. Strangely we can't get anyone else to come with us...

Another Sunday Morning Posting

...and where has the last week gone?! An absolutely exhausting first week back at work and I don't think that the next one will be much better - it starts in Birmingham on Monday morning. One bright spot of Monday is that J is working down in Birmingham too so we'll get to meet up in the evening.

I've been so busy that I've hardly had any time to go out in the new car at all. And the house is now up for sale so I suppose I'd better start looking for a new one eh?

Still feeling remarkable healthy - it must be all that Lake District and Cornwall air!

Back to work....

....and I began the third of three very long days two hours ago. It's going to be like this for the rest of the week - and maybe into the weekend. I knew I was going to be coming back to a whole lot of stuff but I sorta forgot ( the rose-coloured specs of impending holiday..) how much. Ah well - at least I'm working at home today and for the rest of the week. London yesterday was stressful to say the least.

I've got the estate agent coming round later. I've decided to put my house on the market. I feel it's time for a move. Not sure where yet. Durham City or Darlington probably.

Oh - and because someway this blog is supposed to be about my health - don't worry, I'm eating well, drinking no alcohol and sleeping like a log. Even my tummy is behaving ityself!

Time and Tide

This is the video that was too big to post while I was away. Taken from the flat in Cornwall. ( You need to watch it to the end - ed).

Dedicated to my friend D who was watching the same moon eclipse from Kentucky. Not sure if hers was a Blue one...

Sunday Morning Coming Down

Ah well - holidays over for a while. But I had a great time. And so did Alfie.

I'm just spending Sunday quietly - I'll just take Alfie out for a walk later. Working from home tomorrow so will try to ease myself in. And I'm picking up the new car in the evening!

Chilling

After a really nice day out to Fowey yesterday Alfie and I are taking it easy today - the last full day of our Cornwall holiday. Earlier we walked over to Kingsand for a Cornish Cream Tea ( the coffee kind...) and this evening I'm booked in at the local restaurant where I had such a great meal last year.

I feel really relaxed after this holiday - and a lot fitter - in spite of all the eating!

Wednesday

The internet connection here in Cornwall is a bit flakey so after a frustrating hour yesterday trying to upload from the Macbook I thought I'd do it this way.

I'm having a lovely relaxing time here - long hot sunny days - gentle walks - and big dinners! Off to see my friend G in a while - leaving Alfie Home Alone in the flat. I've left Morrissey on the stereo for him - that should keep him subdued...

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( Editor's Note: Actually Alfie howled the place down on discovering he was to be left. So he joined us for the day...)

Cornwall Calling

Well - Alfie and I finally got here a few hours ago. A lovely sunny afternoon has turned into a fine evening and I think we're going to sit out here on the balcony and watch the sun go down.

( I see that the mobile modem gives you a reasonable internet connection too - ed )

Lilac Ties

Mum would have so loved this picture - taken on the day of her funeral.

Looking Back...

Looking towards Ullswater
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi

...we had a great time - as the photos and vidclips will attest. I stupidly did too much at the beginning but I picked myself up and was more sensible after that. As result I've returned home fitter, heathier and even happier.

A few days at home now and then on Friday Alfie and I are going down to mum and G's flat in Cornwall for the last week of my holiday. Some readers may recall that I went there last year and had a great time in spite of chemo and bag. I feel so much better this year. The flat will make me think of mum ( but doesn't everything ? - ed) but she was so happy there that I think I'll be smiling. Mostly.

If the boot fits....

Hi - from a wet Lake District on a v-e-r-y s-l-o-w internet connection.

I really did too much yesterday. Two 7 mile walks on the fells ( one of them with 1700 feet of ascent - and of course, descent...) was pushing it. Today I ache all over - but, reassuringly, not on any of my operation sites - I just did too much.

But one thing I did realise yesterday was that I needed to replace my boots. They've done good service but really dug into my heels and hurt the balls of my feet when I was out yesterday. (No blisters, thank goodness.)

So today I drove out in the rain to Glenridding ( Alfie groaning that we might be having to climb another ridge...) and limped into Catstycam where they were incredibly helpful and spent a good hour finding exactly the right boots for my very wide feet.

So - I'm spending the rest of the day at the hotel taking it easy ( a nice bottle of wine beckons this evening I think... ) and tomorrow I'll give the new boots a gentle tryout.

One Man and His Dog

Well - after a three day preparation regime (no alcohol, simple food and a four mile walk each day) Alfie and I are ready. We're off to the Lake District for five days of the outdoor life. ( Do you mean this? - ed ) If the weather doesn't send us scuttling back that is...

Back Tuesday.

One Man and His Car

I finally did it! After nearly a year of humming and hahing about it, I ordered a new Vauxhall Meriva today. I'll pick it up at the beginning of September. Plenty of boot space for Alfie...

All Clear

I had my colonoscopy this morning and it's all clear - no polyps, nothing. Great news eh? Mr Bain will see me again in three months. He also said I can start running and going to the gym again.

But that's for later in the week.

Now I'm going for a nap....

The 'Fleet's in...

...in this case, CitraFleet. It's like Picolax.

Yes - it's that time again. I've got my first post op routine colonoscopy tomorrow so I'm staying close to home today. Need to be fleet of foot.... (Stop it! - ed)

It's not a good way to start the first week of my holiday but it has to be done. J is going to come in with me. Of course, I'm concerned about it but I'm still so raw from mum's death that it's hard to tell what's what emotionally.

Tribute

This is the wonderful tribute that my brother Owen gave for mum at her funeral on Tuesday. I've posted it here for those friends who weren't able to be there with us:

Whilst this is probably the saddest time I have ever known in my life, I felt compelled to stand up and say something today. Perhaps I should have just let this very sad day wash over me but I can feel mum behind me saying – ‘Go on, it will be OK.’ I’ll do my best to keep it together.

Today I want to pay tribute to the kindest, warmest, most loving person that I will ever know.

I’m very proud of my mum. I get all my best qualities from her. She touched the hearts of so many people. She believed that you should be good and kind and generous and look after one another. She believed that you should see the best in people and she reached out to everybody in the same way, with love, humanity, compassion and boundless energy.

Her faith was devout and strong and she knew that she was here to be a channel of God’s love on earth. Like her, I have an unshakable faith that she is in a much better place now. I feel sure that they will get Radio 4 there! She would have wanted her funeral to be in this church where she attended the 8 o’clock service until she was too ill to come. She still had communion at home right up to the end of her life. This church was also where mum and George got married and the photo in the Order of Service is from that very happy and special day in her life. We are very grateful to Walter for taking the service today as he did on that day too.

My mum could have had a simple straightforward life but that was not her way. She would not have been so strong in her faith and so loving a person if she had not seen life’s difficulties. Her life was a lesson in overcoming adversity and proving that, if you kept on believing and loving, you could have a happy ending. She knew this herself too – there’s a notice in her study which reads – ‘you’re never too old to have a happy childhood.’ Mum’s father died before she was born and her mother sadly passed away when she was a young girl. Mum was a fiercely proud woman and she would not want me to talk publicly about the traumas of her personal life but suffice to say her faith and her immense strength of character saw her through the darkest of times.

Her choice of careers reflected her personality. At first she was a nurse in Salisbury. After she’d raised us three boys, she went back to college and qualified as a teacher. Never wanting to take the easy road, she taught in a pretty difficult school – it’s a bit disconcerting when your mum comes home and says she was threatened with a knife today. In the end she taught at Frenchay and combined both careers as a teacher at the Hospital School. She was very happy there and really felt that she had made a difference to those young lives albeit for a sometimes short and traumatic time. She took a well-deserved early retirement at 50.

I’m glad she did, because it allowed her to indulge her new career of keeping in touch with people. It’s as though it became her new job to spread warmth, love and happiness. Only two days before she died she was still furiously scribbling letters to people. She was happy to use email, but she knew how good it was to receive a real letter. So many people I have spoken to have said – ‘but I was only on the phone to her last week’ or ‘I’ve just got a letter from her’ or ‘we called in last week’.

We often wondered why she would never rest and was always worrying and planning things. We used to tell her to relax but I think she knew she didn’t have long on this earth and she had to cram a lot in. One of the few joys at this difficult time has been realising just how many close friends she had – these were not just casual acquaintances, these were people who loved her deeply.

When I think of my mum, I think of the sacrifices she made when we were growing up. I remember odd things like her sleeping in the dining room at Filton Road so that we could each have a bedroom. When one son plays the guitar, the other the drums and the other is in to amateur radio, that’s probably a good idea anyway! She carted my drums to band practices in that old Morris Minor of hers without complaint. I’m sorry I never made it as a rock star mum, but there’s still time!

Her sacrifices were a lot to do with her desperately wanting us all to have a good education and I guess she was very proud of the way we all turned out. There was a section in her filing cabinet called ‘Famous Sons’ and it contained various snippets like newspaper cuttings. She would say to me – that’s a nice picture dear but I wish you wouldn’t have that spiky hair.

Most of all though, when I think of my mum I smile to myself. I think of the great times she had with her boating friends in Bristol after the three of us left home – driving around in her bright green Triumph Spitfire. All those powerboat parties! I think of her meeting George again after all those years. What a fantastic story that is! I think of their happy times together in their ten years of marriage, whether it was travelling the length and breadth of Britain on their narrow boat or holidays to far-flung places or doing housesitting for people or pottering about in the garden. More recently, the flat in Cornwall was somewhere beautiful for them to visit and relax. She doted on her grandsons, Nattie and Ben. She loved those boys in a joyful, wide-eyed way that only a grandmother can. She was never happier than when she was playing with them. I’ll never forget her excitement at seeing a photo of Nat in his new school uniform for the first time a few weeks ago.

I think of her funny little ways – furiously circling things in the Radio Times that she wanted to watch or tape (but I don’t watch much television dear): her owl collection that Nattie like to rearrange for Grandma: the radio tuned to Radio 4 morning noon and night; eating cold chips from the fridge the morning after (a bad habit I have inherited). As I said, she would insist on seeing the best in the most difficult of people – something that used to infuriate me at times – but she was right and I was wrong.

The music today is something that we particularly shared mum would have wanted. There is no way that mum would have chosen any gloomy hymns – Lord of the Dance is mum to a tee – it sums up her faith and her approach to life. I first saw The Seekers in pantomime at Bristol Hippodrome when I was five. Apparently I was captivated by Judith Durham and her voice. Mum and I saw them at the NEC on their reunion tour. The two of us also watched Judith at the Hippodrome a few years ago from almost exactly the same seats as we had 40 years earlier. The song Colours of my Life reflects, for me, her life. They sing about shedding black and grey to take on red and blue and that is a perfect metaphor for her 69 years on this planet.

Shores of Avalon, at the end of the service, is quite poignant. When mum was in hospital at the end of June, she asked me to buy her a novel from the hospital shop – something light dear, not a thriller. She got most of the way through this Josephine Cox book, but it wasn’t until after she died that I realised that it was titled Journey’s End. I felt awful but then realised that perhaps it was just meant to be. I chose Shores of Avalon because it’s a beautiful song and then afterwards I realised that the last line of the song also talks of the journey’s end – but a journey’s end together.

I try not to think too much about her last couple of days, but how she dealt with her illness summed up her character. The last year since her diagnosis was very difficult. She showed such courage despite the agonies that come with a cancer in your spine and she rarely complained. She was still the same person – always warm and loving and anxious to know your news. During this time, George worked ceaselessly to look after her and make her comfortable. Nobody could have done more and loved her more than you George and I want to thank you publicly for that. Even when she was in hospital, one couldn’t suppress her zest for life. On the bedside table there was a card from Walter thanking her for her recent £100 donation to the African village with which this church has a connection. Even twelve hours before she died, she was getting me to introduce her to the woman in the opposite bed and apologising that she wasn’t well enough to have a chat. She was looking forward to visits from Nattie, from my Goddaughter Lucy and from Grace her latest adopted grandchild.

After mum died, we came back to the house. I went into the garden and there were hundreds of butterflies everywhere. Despite being in floods of tears, I knew that she was very close. Later on, Simon and Andy mentioned that they had noticed the same thing even though they were in a different part of the garden. A few days later I watched a video of her sitting in the garden chatting away to Simon and it helped to erase the memory of her last hours. Seeing her chatting away, worrying about whether I was going to get to Wembley to watch Rovers, cheered me up immensely and I felt I’d got my mum back.

That’s all I wanted to say. I really do hope that in these few words I have done justice to this wonderful, vibrant and caring woman. I am so proud to be her son. She was my inspiration and my guide and I have so much to thank her for. I loved her more than anybody could ever know.

Jean

Mum and Natty
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi

On Wednesday 25th July my darling mum Jean died in Hereford Hospital. She had been ill for the last year but we'd all hoped for so much more time.

We are all devastated. But also amazed - how could one person have so many close friends?

If any of those friends who knew her would like to get in touch with me off line then I can give you details of the arrangements for her funeral.

If any one would like to make a donation in her memory, then it would be wonderful if you were to make a contribution to either:

Cancer Research UK

or

The Macmillan Renton Appeal for Herefordshire


I'll be back here again when I can

Simon

Exhibition Down, Exhibition Up...

Gallery Glue quivrs
Originally uploaded by grewlike

Ironically on the same weekend that S and I took our exhibition down, I heard that my photo that is part of the Quivr Quilt is showing in Newcastle. I hope to get up to see it this week. Funny how that image brings back so many memories...

A quiet weekend at home - getting ready for another hard week at work. ( Three weeks till I'm on holiday!) A nice Skype call with friend D in the States yesterday.

( Oh - and talking of the States, I suppose I really need to be thinking about who I hand over the reins of power to on August 13th...)

Haven't started at the gym yet - tummy still a bit sore. I think I'll wait until I see the doc in three weeks.

Headed Home...

..after a lovely relaxing few days away at the Latitude Festival in Suffolk - staying in a nice little cottage in Walberswick. ( Photos here) J is staying there for the rest of the week to get some writing done but I have to come back for meetings in London tomorrow.



It's been a good test of my fitness too - loads of walking at the festival itself and on the beach. ( Chickened out of swimming though!) I definitely feel fitter and maybe even slightly more toned.



I think now is the time to start getting myself properly fit.



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Zeds

I'm in Birmingham today and tomorrow and then off for the weekend with J on Friday.

And I'm SO tired! I was in bed and asleep by ten last night and I think it'll be the same in the hotel tonight. I think it's just with having to do longer hours to make up for my days off this and next week - and I had an early start this morning. ( Slept on the train...)

Apart from that I'm.......zzzzzzzzzzz

Raced For For Life ...

Well - S and A did it! On behalf of their investors, I can provide the evidence.

Alfie and I went to cheer them on - in the sunshine for once.

And it was very moving to see who they were running for....

(Thanks and well done! x)

The Good Life

Having a nice quiet Saturday after a grumpy hard week at work - and next week doesn't look much better. ( Until Friday of course....) So Alfie and I are just chilling today. (J is still away at a conference in Lisbon. She says the fish is great!) A kebab beckons later.

Of course I should be dieting really. Yesterday I had two meals out! At lunchtime I went to meet some former colleagues ( to catch up on professional gossip..) at Cafe Lilli in Norton and last night saw friend C for a great meal at As You Like It in Newcastle. Both places highly recommended.



( so - your tummy's OK then..? - ed)

Brothers

Brothers
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi

I really like this picture - taken at my mum's birthday party at the weekend. Looks like I'm always destined to be the shortest...

Commuting

I'm still away in the Midlands.



We had a lovely birthday time with my mum over the weekend but she is really not well at the moment and G is on call for her 24/7.



J and I met up briefly in London on Saturday to see Lou Reed (who was superb) - really lovely to see her. We're both looking forward to a longer break together in a fortnight.



I'm commuting into Birmingham today and Tuesday and driving back home on Wednesday morning. It's meaning long days but at least I get to see something of mum and G inthe evenings.



Healthwise I'm OK. My tummy is still a bit upset and I tripped in the street today which jarred my hernia site. No damage done but I'll be glad of hot bath when I get in tonight!



More when I'm home.







Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Reading

This Rest Of Your Life Thing is really peculiar. On the one hand, I've been feeling a bit odd, sort of disconnected and panicky this week. J my counsellor and I have talked about it a lot - it almost feels Existential - which would make some sense. I'm worried about my colonoscopy ( delayed now until August) and frustrated that I can't get myself fitter. It's like my life has a kind of judder in it at the moment. ( And of course, as Jules has just discovered, the cancer thing or its possibility is always there - usually hidden, sometimes less so.)

On the other hand, I've just finished reading my first proper book since I discovered I had cancer more than eighteeen months ago. It's been so frustrating continuing to see or hear about all these amazing books, buying them and then watching them pile up unread or partially read just because I couldn't concentrate on them. ( Physical or psychological? - I'm really not sure)

But this week, I did it. So thankyou Lionel Shriver for your amazing novel We Need To Talk About Kevin.

Catch Up

I just realised that it's been a week since I updated this. It wasn't actually conscious but I am beginning to wonder whether I still want to be regularly updating a cancer-related blog when I'm trying to move on from that. I won't just drop it though - but I may think about moving over to the old blog for day to day stuff ( have to update the design a bit though!) and just keep this one for occasional health updates. I'll let you all know if I do though.

Anyway. It's been a busy week with work but my health seems to have been OK generally - some days have more trips to the toilet than others or I'm a bit more sore but all manageable.

Nice to get an email from Ian my Cancer Voice. He was really helpful when I was deciding about chemo. I think I might find out about becoming one myself - it feels like there has to come a point when one feels that cancer is more er.. behind you than in front, if you see what I mean.

Pacing

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good so I decided to make a start on weeding the back garden with a view to moving on to mowing the lawn. I very quickly discovered how much I still have to pace myself - I was tired and achy ( and sore at the hernia site) after about 10 mins of weeding. OK - they were big weeds but still...

In one way, it's really frustrating - I hate it that it all looks so untidy and I feel like I'm letting things slip.

But I am NOT going to mess this up now by being silly. So the lawn will have to wait - along with the rest of the weeds.

Exhibition

Well - here it is - your own virtual tour. Took us a while to set up but I hope you'll agree - it looks pretty good!

Latitude

Friday night at last. Kebab time. ( It's the County Durham version of Margherita Time...)

Loads to do this weekend. Putting the exhibition up tomorrow morning and then my Intermediate Documentary Film Course starts in the afternoon. Busy Busy.

My tummy's been upset for a few days - not sure what that's about. Manageable - but I wish it wasn't happening.

But heh! Now there's Latitude! J asked me today if I'd like to go with her. Like a shot!

Race For Life

My friend S and her daughter A are doing the Race for Life in Durham on July 8th. It's a cause close to my er.. heart.

Blue

Door
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi

In the pandemonium of image
I present you with the universal Blue
Blue an open door to soul
An infinite possibility
Becoming tangible

Derek Jarman - Blue ( 1993)

These are the images I'm going to use for the joint exhibition with S at the weekend.

Cheers!

You know, I think I almost enjoy J's birthday as much as I enjoy my own. Almost.

We had a great time in Newcastle. Shopping. A posh drink ( or two) . Dinner. Hotel. Culture.

It was really nice just to chill together. And laugh.

I'm feeling good at the moment.

End of the week....

...and finished in what is beginning to become the traditional Friday night style with World of Warcraft and a kebab. ( OK - it's boy thing...)

I hada low point last night when I got back from London - tiredness really I think - but I've been OK today. Work has been steady but not frantic and healthwise I'm fine - nothing special to report at all really.

J is over in the morning. It's her birthday on Monday so we're spending the weekend together in Newcastle as a treat. A chance to chill - and I suspect there'll be Big Dinners and Shopping too.

Routine

I saw Mr Bain my consultant again this afternoon - a routine check after the hernia op. He says that all is well but that I can't start back running for another six weeks and it's another three months before I can go to the gym! I can see Alfie getting some very long very brisk walks...

He took blood today to test my CEA markers ( they were fine last time) - my next routine investigation will be a colonoscopy in July (picolax again!) and then another appointment with him in the autumn. ( Oh - and he says that aspirin is a good idea)

It's going to be this sort of routine for the next four years. That's OK - but I always feel low after these visits. It's the feeling of being snared I think.

Awaydays

Mum and Alfie
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi

A lovely few days away with my mum and G in Hereford. Always a few family worries and sadneses but we laugh through most of them. Alfie was a big hit (and very well behaved) - seen here trying to drive off with mum...

I drove back via J's last night nd we had a great afternoon sorting technology. Then a pub meal and DVD. Today I had to put Alfie back in the kennels as I'm away with work a couple of times this week : (

The other main highlight this week is my check up with Mr Bain on Wednesday. I've got a few questions to ask but generally I think he'll be pleased how things are going.

Good to be home

The trip away went fairly well - but I did find it even more tiring than I'd imagined. The problem was lugging the overnight bag on and off trains - it wasn't that heavy but was awkward and made me feel vulnerable in case I hurt myelf. And if the scar wasn't hurting the other soreness came on… In the end I decided to get taxis everywhere - it cost me a small fortune but was easier in ( and on..) the end...

But of course, I also met up with J in London and we had a great night seeing The National and a bit of time on Oxford Street before I had to go into work on Wednesday morning. That made it all worth while.

And today I was up early working so that I could pick up Alfie from the kennels when they opened. Going to see my mum in Hereford this weekend so I want to leave at lunchtime tomorrow - that's meant a harder work day but worth it.

Tonight out for a nice meal with S & A to celebrate my photo sale.

Back

I took Alfie back to the kennels this afternoon - both of us are going to be away from home after 3 1/2 weeks together. It's been great having him here all that time - he's settled a lot more and ( as much as one can) I think I understand a bit more how he thinks. He's quite a nervous dog really - but SO affectionate. Getting him is definitely one of the good things I've done. I pick him up again on Thursday morning after my trip away.

I've been feeling quite nervous all day about the trip to Birmingham and London tomorrow. I'm sure it'll be fine. And I get to see J in London tomorrow night as we've got tickets to see The National.

Sold!

Summer Flowers
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

When we turned up yesterday afternoon to take the exhibition down, it was S's daughter A who noticed that one of my photos ( this one) had gone. Quickly discounting theft we discovered that yes, it had indeed been sold, to a real bona fide buyer. I'm really chuffed - and grateful to S for sharing her space with me. ( She's found us another place to exhibit - starting next month as well!)

J over last night - a lovely evening catching up and watching DVDs. And today I'm trying to forget that work begins again tomorrow - my first trip away on Tuesday for five weeks - Birmingham and London.

Still feeling pretty good in myself and desperately trying to resist the temptation to do too much...

End Of The Week...

...and I'm exhausted!

But actually it has felt good to be back working - to be proactive. Not that it's been easy - why is it you always remember the good bits with work and forget that most of it is routine hijacked by moments of blind panic - and, if you're lucky, occasional illumination?

Healthwise things are better - I can go huge stretches of the day and forget completely about the scar - and Alfie and I have done a two mile walk every day bar one for the last eighteen days. So I am getting better finally. That feels good to say.

And now it's Friday evening, I've had my kebab, I'm on my second beer and World of Warcraft beckons. ( Level 27 might even be possible tonight)

Spag Bog

As J is currently in Bologna with work, I decided to make myself Spaghetti Bolognese last night - a sort of holding hands across the pasta thing...

Mistake.

Something in it didn't agree with me. A definite stress on the bog part today....

Bump

Sunday night
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

Sunday night and all is well. A quiet day at home and a walk with Alfie this afternoon.

I'm going to start back to work properly tomorrow - working from home Monday and Tuesday and a there-and-back to Essex on Wednesday. See how I go.

I know I'm not fully sorted yet, but things are much much better and I think I can be sensible enough to pull back if I feel it's too much. (Yeah.... ed)

Feels a bit scary though - like there's a small bump in the road ahead. Easy really - but just a chance I could trip over it.

Tagged

Apologies to everyone who was Tagged by me earlier - the system went mad with my address book without me realising and I've had a few bemused replies. I've also heard from a few people who I thought I'd lost touch with so it's not all bad. But please feel free to ignore it if you get one.

At The Bottom Of Everything

Regular readers will know that music is and has been really important to me throughout this whole thing but that every now and again I come across a song that really says something to me. This is one of those - from the magnificent Bright Eyes:

So there was this woman and

she was on an airplane and

she's flying to meet her fiancé

sailing high above the largest ocean

on planet earth and she was seated

next to this man who you know

she had tried to start conversation with

but really the only thing

she heard him say was to order his bloody mary

and she's sitting there and she's reading

this really arduous magazine article about this

third world country that she couldn't

even pronounce the name of and

she's feeling very bored and very despondent

and then suddenly there's this huge mechanical failure and one of the engines gave out

and they started just falling thirty thousand feet

and the pilots on the microphone and he's saying,

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Oh My God, I'm Sorry"

and apologizing and she looks at the man and she says,

"Where are we going?" and he looks at her and he says,

"We're going to a party, it's a birthday party.

It's your birthday party, happy birthday darling.

We love you very, very, very, very, very, very, very much."

And then he starts humming this little tune and it kind of goes like this:

One, Two, One, Two, Three, Four

We must talk in every telephone, get eaten off the web

We must rip out all the epilogues from the books we have read

And to the face of every criminal strapped firmly to a chair

We must stare, we must stare, we must stare.

We must take all of the medicines too expensive now to sell

Set fire to the preacher who is promising us hell

And in the ear of every anarchist that sleeps but doesn't dream

We must sing, we must sing, we must sing.

And it'll go like this

While my mother waters plants my father loads his gun.

He says, "Death will give us back to God,

just like the setting sun

is returned to the lonesome ocean."

And then they splashed into the deep blue sea.

It was a wonderful splash.

We must blend into the choir, sing as static with the whole,

We must memorize nine numbers and deny we have a soul,

And to this endless race for property and privilege to be won

We must run, we must run, we must run.

We must hang up in the belfry where the bats in moonlight laugh

We must stare into a crystal ball and only see the past

And in the caverns of tomorrow with our flashlights and our love

We must plunge, we must plunge, we must plunge.

And then we'll get down there,

way down to the very bottom of everything

and then we'll see it, oh we'll see it, we'll see it, we'll see it.

Oh my morning's coming back

The whole world's waking up

Oh the city bus is swimming past.

I'm happy just because

I found out I am really no one.

Good Things

• My massage last night - felt great afterwards

• My kebab afterwards - good in a bad way...

• Aspirin
  

Moving Forward

A progressive couple of days - the longer walks and stretches seem to help the discomfort ( now relegated to a feeling of indigestion - but in my groin - if that makes sense) and I'm picking up a bit of stuff for work via email. If all goes well, I'll go back to work fully next week and even try a day trip to London if I feel up to it.

And I'm beginning to think about moving! I've been here three and a half years now and although I love the house, the village isn't so great. I don't always feel entirely safe when I'm out and about, there's no good pub in walking distance and I just want to be more in Durham.

So I'm on the lookout for a house. I saw this one yesterday - it's the sort of thing I'm after I think. Will see the building society this week to see how much I can afford.

Footloose

After a day where I felt bored and sore and frustrated with my lack of progress, I decided to take Alfie for a walk at about 5.00pm. We drove to the Country Park and as we got out of the car, it started to rain. Deciding that this was typical for how my day was going I decided to press on.

I'm so glad I did. The sun came out, I picked up my pace and walked a full two miles - trying just to gently stretch a little. It really worked - I've come home now feeling a good deal less sore, more flexible and definitely better in myself.

Not Easy

You know - in many ways, this is one of the hardest parts of the Whole Thing. The bit where I can't DO anything - I just have to rest and wait. I mean - give me something to do, a target to hit, a goal - and I'll do it.

But this time I have to wait, be slow. Take it easy.

Easy is hard, you know...

Pictures at an Exhibition

A nice morning with S & A putting the paintings, prints and photos up at the Botanic Gardens where they'll be for the next fortnight.

They were great with helping me with the lifting - all I had to do was buy the tea!

Feeling pretty good today - the soreness is still there but it's not worrying and I can get about OK.

And a Bank Holiday tomorrow! ( Hey - you're off sick anyway! - ed)

One Step Back

I've just been to see the doctor. I had another sore night last night and so I just wanted him to check me over before I started travelling with work next week.

He says that everything seems fine but it's all still very swollen under the surface so he's not surprised it's sore. He strongly advised me against travelling ( it's the bag carrying really he says) and has signed me off work for another week.

Of course it's sensible and I'll do as I'm told. But it's also very frustrating and I can't help feeling I'm letting people down. But that's just me I suppose.

Levelling...

Ironically, on the night I got to Level 20 in World of Warcraft ( previous blogs refer...) there was this item on the news...

But levelling seems to be a theme so far this week. I'm taking it very easy this week - just checking and sorting emails. No trips away ( Alfie is delighted) and just concentrating on getting better. It was a good day yesterday but last night I slept on my side and woke up very sore. ( This morning it feels like I've been kicked!) Nothing serious but it does show me how careful I have to continue to be. ( Reminder to self: Op was only two weeks ago today...)

Walkies II

Debbie and Alfie
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

A quiet weekend draws to a close. A nice visit from friend D today - over from the States. We took Alfie out for another walk - he must have thought all his Christmases had come at once! Nice to be out in the fresh air - but it does still take it out of me. ( You op wasn't even two weeks ago... - ed)

I'm going to start work again ( from home ) tomorrow - see how I get on. There's the option of a day trip to Birmingham on Wednesday but I'll see how I'm doing before committing to that.

Walkies

Although things are much better now I've had the stitches out, it's still quite sore on the wound - not least of all because I've got a huge great bl**dy bruise there still!

Picked Alfie up rom the kennels this morning - he was pleased to see me but I could tell I'd left him too long. Took ages for him to calm down. But we went for our ( and my ) first long walk for two weeks this afternoon. I took it slowly and it was great to be out in the sunshine, but I was very tired when I got back.

Taking it easy for the rest of the day.

Stitchless!

Ah - that's better - all the staples out now. Feels a lot easier. It was quite painful though - the nurse kept trying to give me breaks and I just wanted her to get on with it!

I was going to pick up Alfie from the kennnels today but I think I'll get used to my stitchless state first ( maybe try a walk on my own this afternoon) and pick him up in the morning. ( It's less him pulling on the lead that I'm worried about, than him jumping up.)

Sunny day here.

Difficile

It's suddenly not difficult to realise why I was given so many antibiotics when I left hospital....

The Road to Recovery

For the first time since my op just over a week ago, I woke up ( yes - woke up - that means sleep!) feeling better. The ache has decreased substantially and the only real soreness is from the stitches pulling - and they'll be gone in two days.

But I know me - this is the time to really take it easy....

One other thing - I subscribe to quite a few blogs and other feeds ( all hail Google Reader!) but I've cut down on the number of cancer-related ones for obvious reasons. One of the ones I've kept on is Leroy Sievers. He posted this yesterday. It's absolutely spot on and just how I feel.

Music

Still not feeling great - there's less soreness maybe from the actually wound but I'm still not getting much sleep and when I do, I have horrible nightmares. As I said to a friend earlier, I think I'm just processing all my worries about this op and how I'll be in the future.

That said, I'm taking it easy during the day - reading and a bit of WOW ( Level 16 now!) - oh, and music. Thank goodness for music.

Start of the week

I hope that some of you might be able come along and see the exhibition.

I also hoped to get to Newcastle at the weekend to see my part of the quivr quilt but it was just too much. Looks like it all went well... Want to try again to get there myself later in the week if I can.

So a quiet weekend as you might expect - J came over and we did geeky stuff in the afternoon and watched the beginning of two films before my antibiotics kicked in and I had to go to bed. ( No -one can quite tell me what I've been given them for but they make me feel cr*p. Another bad night last night - but I took the last one this morning thanks goodness.)

On Sunday the nurse came over. She took the dressing off and checked things - all is fine so no more dressing needed. Stitches out on Friday.

And so it's Monday morning and I'm still a bit more sore than I thought I'd be. Amazing to me that it's less than week since my op - it feels like longer (and to your readers - ed) .This week coming am going to try and take it easy - no work for a few days more yet - but I'll ring them later today to make contact.

Surf & Turf - an unashamed plug...

Surf & Turf
Exhibition of paintings, prints and photography inspired by coast & garden
Sandra Haney & Simon James
6-19 May 2007
Durham Botanic Garden
South Road Durham

Good Morning!

Good Morning!
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

A fairly good night's sleep - but I'm still very sore indeed. Walking around and sitting are still quite difficult. The hospital THINK that a District Nurse is coming to check my dressings today but no-one seemed quite sure...

For me, another quiet day - and er... a shave....