Decisions

A bad night last night - the bag leaked on me while I was in bed so I had to be up to change myself and the bag at about 1.00am. And it was SO bloody cold!

Then up to Newcastle to take my car in for MOT and service this morning ( I'm picking it up later this afternoon - they've given me a rather nice little Corsa as a courtesy car) and a quick call in to see M & K in my office. Nice to see them and to catch up. Other things being equal, I'm going to go down to London next week for the final team meal - M is going to travel down on the same train with me.

Next stop was the hospital and my chemotherapy discussion with Dr Coxon the oncologist. Another straight talker - which was good. But she's left me with some big decisions to make in the next week.

Starting from the top then:

I now discover that the operation was for rectal cancer as opposed to colon cancer - I think I'd got confused because both bits comprise your bowel. The distinction is important because they seem to know a lot more about the recurrence rates of colon cancer than rectal cancer.

Anyway - the operation meant that I have a 50/50 chance of cancer recurring. Evens.

The standard UK chemotherapy treatment is something called 5FU - 6 cycles of treatment - each cycle comprising one week ( 5 mornings ) of intravenous administration of the drugs and three weeks recovery. So - 6 months in all. Some side effects - but you can read about those in the link above.

Having this treatment will mean that my chances of cancer recurring are reduced by between another 5 and 13% but, remember, this is for colon cancer - they don't have specific stats for rectal cancer. And they can't tell me about the additional benfits that the radiotherapy might have given me - again, no research..

So -the operation and chemo combination mean that it's up to 60/40 against the cancer recurring.

But it's only averages isn't it? No-one can translate that into my life for me.

She was very clear that she thought it was really pushing it to try for a re-connection and to start the chemo within the next 5 weeks but well, we'll come back to that...

She's left the decision with me - Alison the Colorectal Nurse will ring me for my decision on Monday. By then they'll also have the results of the CT scan ( probably have that on Friday) - because if I've still got the abscess, then neither the chemo or a re-connection can go ahead.

She did make it very clear that I could decide not to go ahead with the chemo and " just get on with your life...". Of course, they'd continue to monitor me really closely anyway. The cancer spreading to my liver is the thing they really worry about.

And, you know, the " just getting on with the rest of my life" option suddenly feels like one I should consider. Not just because of having to put up with 6 months more of the bag - but also because of the percentages. I can't translate them into anything meaningful - they seem to be based on a really wide range of different cancer patients ( old/young, fit/unfit, advanced/early cancer) AND they relate to colon cancer not rectal cancer.

( A job for this afternoon is to look up the rectal cancer/chemo research on Google)

On the other hand, there's something a lot more meaningful about getting on with my life and having the reconnection ASAP, starting the new job with all my energy, keeping myself fit, getting checked regularly, maybe investigating alternative therapies - I dunno - just going for it!

And forget the chemo...

Another research task is to see if I can find out about the proportion of people in my situation who don't take up the chemo option post-op.

One idea I just talked to J about was to say that I wanted to go for the reconnection anyway and see if there was a chance that I could still fit in the chemo within the next 5 weeks. If you like, saying to the hospital that I'll take the chance if they will.. And if I can't have the chemo in time then so be it.

But even that seems a bit unsatisfactory - it's not really a decision about whether I really want to go for chemo - it sort of makes it by default. If I am going to put up with the chemo and all it's unknowns in terms of side effects and, in a way have to (counter-intuitively) be a passive recipient of it for 6 months, then at the very least I'll need to believe in it as a treatment.And I'm not sure I do at the moment. My instinct is to believe in myself and my own strength.

Lots more talking and thinking to do this week. All views gratefully received.