After what's felt like a few days of madness, I'm feeling calmer and clearer now. And I've decided about the chemo.
I'm going to have it.
I had a very good conversation with Charlotte, a nurse at Beating Bowel Cancer on Friday. Lots of useful info but the main thing I got from it was a story she told me about another guy in a similar position to me that she was speaking to. He couldn't come to a decision either way so he decided to just flip a coin but then see how he felt about that arbitary decision. It came down against chemo and he realised that he wasn't happy with that as a decision whereas he would have been if it had gone pro chemo. I don't need to toss a coin to know - in the end it's about faith or trust or belief or something.
I'm going to ask if it's possible to have it orally ( I just think I'd prefer the fairly limited but to me important level of personal control that taking my own tablets would give me) - but if not, then I'll go for the monthly cycles that are being offered. Thinking about it, the weekly cycle wouldn't suit me - I'd feel I was never away from chemo. Am going to find out a lot more about complimentary therapies to go with it as well.
And I'm going to ask for a lot more support and help with the bag - I feel I'm doing everything I can but it still just isn't right/reliable - so I want more support from the stoma nurses.
As for work, well I'll do one full cycle off on the sick and then review how I feel and what I want to do.
Of course the only fly in this ointment is the abscess. I had the CT scan on Friday so when I speak to the nurse about my decision on Monday, she'll have the results of that. I suspect that it's still there so there may well be another visit to theatre soon and then a rush to see if it can be sorted within the 12 weeks post op deadline, which is 18 April. If it can't be sorted by then, then well - no chemo for me - but at least I'll still feel clear that I made the decision that I wanted it, even if it wasn't to be.
But who knows? It may be gone anyway.
1 comment:
Its interesting how the chemo decision process works. There's all this confusion and feeling of being overwhelmed and then it becomes clear the right thing to do.
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