Blunt James

Router sorted! I am online at home again! New power cable arrived yesterday.

A poor night's sleep, an early start and the smug blokeness of First Class to London for the day. My last trip away before the op.

Given that I don't know how I'll be after the radiotherapy next week, I'm treating this like my last full week at work. Lots of meetings to keep me busy.

It was OK really. A good meeting with my boss K and a card from her wishing me well. No pressure about coming into work after the radiotherapy next week. ( But I'll try..) Oh - and in a good humoured few minutes, she and R from HR told me I'd be redundant at the end of March...

Well - it was me that suggested that we might as well do that formal bit while I was there - it's not like it's a surprise is it?

Then a bit of retail therapy in Oxford Street. Just looking...

And back home on the train - I slept most of the way with The National ( the greatest band in the known universe ) on my ipod. I've just got some new earphones which are class. I am Gadget Boy

You know, I did think that by now ( with just about two weeks till my surgery ) that I'd be out running and exercising getting myself fit for the op. I'd have started to lose the few pounds that I always put on over Christmas. But this damn cold ( which I think is finally shifting) has put paid to that. Plus, of course, there's the usual post Christmas malaise. I'm sure ( I know ) I'm not the only one. But I feel blurry and stodgy, vague and slow.

And being in London emphasised that - it's all so speedy. Rushed.

I'm trying to relax and enjoy myself - and I am in many ways. ( I'm now a flickring gadgeting Fender-playing Rock god of course…) but I do know that part of how I enjoy myself is about being fast, sharp and edgy and yes, clever. And I don't feel that. I can't read anything more than a short mag article. Or write like I know I can.

Definitely Blunt James.

One more thing to do when I got home. Ring my ex parents-in-law R & C - with whom I'm still very close. ( I told my ex-wife C the other night but that's a story for another night...) They're just back from a month in Spain and I'd decided not to tell them until they got back. They were both loving and concerned and offered to help in any way they could. But I know they were much more upset than they let on - I hate having to do this to people. Feel like it's my fault. I'm trying so hard not to try to manage people's responses to this news ( as if I could anyway! ) but the temptation is always there. I had to force myself to use the word "Cancer" rather than leaving it at "They've found a small tumour...". But I did it.

You know - I should just fucking chill a bit!