Test Moblog

In Leeds tonight. Just testing that I can still blog from my ipaq in preparation for hospital.

Under Siege

I know - I'm a middle aged curmudgeon.

But tonight I feel under siege in my own house. Halloween. Trick or Treat. Waddever. My doorbell has been ringing every ten minutes since 5.00pm and if I don't answer that, then they bang on the door.

And still Bonfire Night to go! The same chav yoofs in the same sh*te masks...

Anyway. Rant over.

Up till then it was a quiet day working at home - mostly reading reports and preparing for my meetings in Coventry and Leeds tomorrow and Wednesday. I'm meeting J's daughter D in Leeds for dinner tomorrow night and really looking forward to that.

Feeling fully chemo free now - and for some reason I seem to be hungry a lot of the time. Well, nothing to worry about - my hospital crash diet will kick in a fortnight today!

A fortnight. Blimey! There are probably all sorts of things I should be doing now because in a fortnight's time I won't be able to or wish I had.

But I can't for the life of me think what they might be.

Apart from answering my door that is...

Up

Andy, Natty and Ben
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

Just back from a nice few days away.

Great to catch up with my brother A and with V - and my nephews of course! N is so lively and B is just SO placid!

The MacExpo geekfest in London was fun but I think I overdid it a bit - I was very tired afterwards.

But it was great to meet J from her plane at Heathrow on Saturday morning, and not feel postchemo. We got the train up in the afternoon and back to mine for a big tea, catch up chat ( she saw a grizzly bear!) and an early night - her jet lag kicked in again at about ten and again ( she tells me!) at about 3.00am. I ran her home this morning.

And a good session with counsellor J this afternoon. Apart from that I've been unpacking and trying not to think about another hard week away.

I've certainly felt much better this weekend - so much more UP!

Running in the Rain

I'm feeling a lot better today ( lighter in mood too!). It's great that so many friends have been in touch about my forthcoming op. Thanks

Had a nice chat with J on the phone in Canada early this morning. Sounds like she's having a good time being feted by geeks!

Looking forward to seeing her on Saturday - I'm meeting her at Heathrow and we'll travel back up North together. I'm in London with work tomorrow but then I'm taking a day off on Friday to pursue my own path of geeknesss. I'll also be staying with my brother A and his family so it'll be great to be Uncle Simon for two nights!

Tonight I went out in the torrential rain to hear Jacob Polley and Owen Sheers read in Durham. Glad I took the trouble. I've heard Jake read a few times and really like his stuff. I'd not heard Owen before but he was excellent too. Why wasn't I able to be that sharp in my early thirties? Why aren't I now?

As I was leaving the venue, it was still pouring with rain so I ran to the carpark - a few hundred yards. Suddenly I realised "I'm running"! No thought of bag or cancer or ill health - just a bloke running in the rain. It felt wonderful!

Customised Search Engine

I've just added a Google Customised Search Engine to the sidebar. It should do a more focussed search for information and support on bowel cancer.

As usual, I'd be grateful for any feedback.

Stress

To Birmingham for the day today. A light frost at 6.00 am on the station. ( There are going to be benefits to a warm hospital bed, you know...)

A busy day of meetings and still feeling a bit sicker than I normally do. One of the things about being in the office is that I can't always eat when I want/need to - meetings overrun etc. I know I should just do it, but sometimes it's difficult. Then I lose equilibrium.

I've generally found it difficult to cope with the stress of a day away from home today - not sure why that should be. Out of practice? I'm exhausted and it's only Tuesday!

Good to be home again.

Foot and Mouth

After a fitful night, I woke up still feeling rather queasy this morning (This went on till the Monday last week didn't it?) I've also got sore feet and mouth. Lots of salve needed. Typical that this should all kick in in the last week!

But I was cheered up by a text from J last thing - her presentation in Canada went well and she says that Banff is beautiful.

Then a day working at home today - fairly steady workwise but I've felt a bit detached from it and very tired. I think I'm just processing a whole lot of stuff inside. I got a letter through about a liver scan as well - a timely reminder that the process of checking up on my post cancer condition has begun. ( They do ?annual liver scans because that's where you get secondaries from bowel cancer…)

In Birmingham for the day tomorrow - I've just realised that's the last time I'll be there before my op. Leeds Office next week and London Office the week after that - and then that's it.

Sunday

Taking it very slow this weekend - I felt pretty sick yesterday and even going out to do my shopping took me much longer than usual. A bit better today. Still, hopefully, this'll be the last weekend I feel like this.

I'm beginning to prepare for my forthcoming op. Practicalities like work are one thing - getting my head clear and calm is another. I feel like the weather outside - grey and overcast with the leaves being blown around.

It's definitely gone autumnal today. But still quite mild.

24/24!

At last!

Although it's been a bit overshadowed by the news about my reconnection this week, I'm so pleased to have finally finished the chemo this afternoon. ( That's 24/24 - all done!) As you all know, it's been a real struggle at times and I nearly gave up on a number of occasions. Even now I feel ambivalent about it's overall effect on my future health. But it's done - I stayed the course - and I don't like to give up on things I've started.

Out with J for a pub meal last night - she's off to Canada for a week tomorrow - speaking at a conference.

Tonight out with C straight after chemo ( we thought we'd try meeting early before it had a chance to kick in!) in Durham. Nice to see him for a catch up and a great meal.

Not sure how tomorrow will be. I may have bad postchemo stuff or may feel bright as wotsit. I'll know soon enough.

But - hey! - no more chemo!

Date

I've just heard that I'll be going into hospital on Monday 13 November.

Ironically, that's a year to the day since I was first taken ill on a train and all this began….

Reconnection!

Well, in that way that only the NHS can do, I was completely surprised in my appointment with my consultant Mr B this afternoon. I've got a provisional date for my reconnection! I really wasn't expecting that. It's much sooner than I expected - definitely November and the precise date to be confirmed on Friday.

Blimey!

I'll be in hospital for about a week - and then they really don't know how long it'll take to get myself back to normal after the operation. Maybe a few weeks, maybe months....

(I really don't underestimate how difficult it's going to be - but I'm definitely up for this!)

My head is spinning with it all but I'm also very excited. Suddenly I feel sharp again!

Fight Club

Some of you who've been here since the beginning might recall that Fight Club is one of my favourite films - and also a kind of motif for my illness.

So - it was brilliant to come across this today.

Dragging

I woke up yesterday morning ( sounds like a Blues Song…) not feeling as good as I'd hoped. Just the usual stuff, a bit sick and sore and the bag going crazy. It slowly improved during the day and I felt well enough to go out for a nice pub meal with S last night.

I'm not sure why the effects seem to be lasting longer as I approach the end of the treatment. I mean - I know it's something cumulative but I can't decide whether it's the cumulative effects of the drugs themselves or the cumulative effect psychologically of a long treatment. Bit of both I expect. In any case, by next week, it all should be getting so much better eh?

But the week is still draggging ( expect this to be a recurring theme this week...) Thank goodness I'm busy today. If you call editing reports and tenders, busy...

Walking and Walker

Durham Cathedral
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

A great afternoon out with J taking video shots along the river for her new poetry piece and then back to mine to do a bit of editing and a great deal of chatting and laughing. Not sure why we listened to an enormous amount of Scott Walker but it seemed right at the time!

Chemo-wise I felt awful on Friday night and a bit grim ysterday - but not enough to spoil my day. Today I feel things getting back to normal.

I've got quite a busy social week planned - as I'm not away this week, I thought it might drag a bit as I approach Chemo XXIV so I'm out every night! Might be pushing it too much, but well, we'll see.

Friday

A lovely evening out in Newcastle with former colleagues from the Gateshead Office, M and K. Bit too much wine drunk but I was on the train so it didn't really matter.

And of course, now I've had Chemo XXIII ( that's 23/24 and one to go!) I don't feel like a drink at all.

The pre-chemo lowness came on me during the day a bit - these last couple of weeks are dragging so much. It's so hard to concentrate on anything else. Even this afternoon's injection seemed to take longer.

Stats

Jules sent me these links ( thanks - you should post something about yourself you know...) - this one is particularly interesting as I had pre-op radiotherapy, even though I wasn't a part of this particular trial. It's still that stats thing that gets me ( and I know there's at least one medical statistician that reads this blog..) - I just don't understand what those numbers mean in relation to whether I'm more likely to live a long/er and happy/ier life or not. Never have. Doesn't seem to matter.

And this one ...er...explains...er... something..um...

Wangling

As usual, it's very nice to be home ( and with a glass of wine!) again - maybe more so as I begin the countdown to The Final Chemo next week. I was supposed to be away in Cardiff for part of next week but that's now fallen through so I might just try to wangle the whole week at home. I haven't done that much so it would make a nice change - a chance to slow down a bit. I think I may be expecting a bit too much of myself at the moment.

Teeth

Pretty much back to normal this morning.

A busy morning at work/home - first phone call at 9.00 am on the dot! It's actually nice to be busy - and another hectic couple of days in Birmingham from tomorrow.

Then a dental appointment this afternoon. A lovely drive in the autumn sunshine up to Corbridge and the great news that I may have had all sorts of other physical problems this year, but my teeth are in great condition! I was surprised - I would have thought that my system would have taken it out on my teeth. But no.

It's getting colder this evening - there might even be a frost in the morning. Comfort food tonight - sausage and mash.

From The Cutting Room...

Blackfriars Bridge
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

As usual, a good long Saturday night's sleep and I woke up feeling human again. The bag is still going mad but that always takes a while longer to settle.

This morning, out in to the garden to try to sort which plants need to be brought in for the winter - and then bringing the smaller ones in. I'm not going to risk a hernia at this stage - have to wait till a strong mate comes round.. Was going to plant daffofdil bulbs as well, but that'll wait a while.

Then inside to work on a video project that I took some footage for when I was down in London last week. Yet again, I'd be glad to hear what you think of it.

Cancer At Work

A Public Service Announcement this one. I didn't realise that people with cancer were covered by the Disability Discrimination Act. In fact, since I've been ill, both of my employers have been brilliant but this info might be useful to someone out there

Usual Saturday Stuff

Still feeling pretty grim today - sick and with sore feet.

Things weren't helped by having to be up at eight this morning for the electrician. Since I moved into the house three years ago, I've periodically had power cuts when the trip switch has gone. Of course, when those happen and I'm away, I lose the contents of my freezer...

I finally got round to finding an electrician a few months ago, and then the trouble was getting one to show up when they promised to. But Nigel turned up prompt this morning and went through every socket and light in the house.

The verdict? Not as bad as it might have been (I'm used to the cowboy way the previous owner did most things) - just a couple of sockets need immediate replacing ( probably the cause of the cut outs) and the rest goes on a (long) "To Do" list. Funny to be without electricity for most of the day though.

A nice evening out with J last night, even though I didn't stay for the meal afterwards. She was compering a reading by Anthony Joseph who was a very engaging performer but I imagine quite hard to read in prose. I'll probably read his new novel when I can concentrate a bit more.

And now I'm going to slope slowly into an evening at home. Just two more Saturdays like this to go!

Back

Sorry for the silence this week - I've just been really busy in London and couldn't get to computers easily.

I'll do a fuller post tomorrow - postchemo grims have kicked in and I feel crap from Chemo XXII -but that's 22/24 and 2 to go!

Time drags so much while I'm waiting for the chemo to end. But at least I've now got my appointment with Mr B ( 18 October) to sort out when I can have my reconnection done.

More tomorrow.

After the rain...

After the rain...
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

I took this yesterday afternoon after a HUGE rainstorm. Quite biblical with the rainbow and the doves I thought.?

A great evening with J after her mad dash to Liverpool and back..A big dinner, lots of wine and yes, singing...

Now I'm just back from my final appointment with the the chemo consultant. Everything OK - all my blood tests are fine. Nice to hear her say " I won't be seeing you again."

I've got three more to to go but she says that if I get any more bag problems to tell them and they'll stop before the end of the course.

It's that old chestnut again isn't it? I fit's so easy for them to call a halt, what good has all this done me at all? In a funny sort of way, after all I've said about the chemo, it's a matter of pride to finish the full course now.

But we'll see.

November

Coincidentally, given today's "month" theme, I just came across an article about Taryn McKeiver's book " A November to Remember" I'm always in two minds about these sort of books - mainly because I'm never sure who they're aimed at. (I certainly don't like the reference to " cancer victim"...) But information is information so I'll put a link to it in the sidebar.

October

Sunday morning - I was just putting some more poems together to send to Other Poetry when I came across this one, which they published in the last edition. Appropriate for the day eh?:


October

and first frost expected

thought lost

etched in laced dreams of glass

edges iced

and a letter to a lover

penned from the front line

ripped open eagerly

as snow falls smiling

The Great North Run is on the telly in the background. Three years ago I was running it. Completely exhausting. I said I'd never do it again.

Not so sure now...