All Clear

I had my colonoscopy this morning and it's all clear - no polyps, nothing. Great news eh? Mr Bain will see me again in three months. He also said I can start running and going to the gym again.

But that's for later in the week.

Now I'm going for a nap....

The 'Fleet's in...

...in this case, CitraFleet. It's like Picolax.

Yes - it's that time again. I've got my first post op routine colonoscopy tomorrow so I'm staying close to home today. Need to be fleet of foot.... (Stop it! - ed)

It's not a good way to start the first week of my holiday but it has to be done. J is going to come in with me. Of course, I'm concerned about it but I'm still so raw from mum's death that it's hard to tell what's what emotionally.

Tribute

This is the wonderful tribute that my brother Owen gave for mum at her funeral on Tuesday. I've posted it here for those friends who weren't able to be there with us:

Whilst this is probably the saddest time I have ever known in my life, I felt compelled to stand up and say something today. Perhaps I should have just let this very sad day wash over me but I can feel mum behind me saying – ‘Go on, it will be OK.’ I’ll do my best to keep it together.

Today I want to pay tribute to the kindest, warmest, most loving person that I will ever know.

I’m very proud of my mum. I get all my best qualities from her. She touched the hearts of so many people. She believed that you should be good and kind and generous and look after one another. She believed that you should see the best in people and she reached out to everybody in the same way, with love, humanity, compassion and boundless energy.

Her faith was devout and strong and she knew that she was here to be a channel of God’s love on earth. Like her, I have an unshakable faith that she is in a much better place now. I feel sure that they will get Radio 4 there! She would have wanted her funeral to be in this church where she attended the 8 o’clock service until she was too ill to come. She still had communion at home right up to the end of her life. This church was also where mum and George got married and the photo in the Order of Service is from that very happy and special day in her life. We are very grateful to Walter for taking the service today as he did on that day too.

My mum could have had a simple straightforward life but that was not her way. She would not have been so strong in her faith and so loving a person if she had not seen life’s difficulties. Her life was a lesson in overcoming adversity and proving that, if you kept on believing and loving, you could have a happy ending. She knew this herself too – there’s a notice in her study which reads – ‘you’re never too old to have a happy childhood.’ Mum’s father died before she was born and her mother sadly passed away when she was a young girl. Mum was a fiercely proud woman and she would not want me to talk publicly about the traumas of her personal life but suffice to say her faith and her immense strength of character saw her through the darkest of times.

Her choice of careers reflected her personality. At first she was a nurse in Salisbury. After she’d raised us three boys, she went back to college and qualified as a teacher. Never wanting to take the easy road, she taught in a pretty difficult school – it’s a bit disconcerting when your mum comes home and says she was threatened with a knife today. In the end she taught at Frenchay and combined both careers as a teacher at the Hospital School. She was very happy there and really felt that she had made a difference to those young lives albeit for a sometimes short and traumatic time. She took a well-deserved early retirement at 50.

I’m glad she did, because it allowed her to indulge her new career of keeping in touch with people. It’s as though it became her new job to spread warmth, love and happiness. Only two days before she died she was still furiously scribbling letters to people. She was happy to use email, but she knew how good it was to receive a real letter. So many people I have spoken to have said – ‘but I was only on the phone to her last week’ or ‘I’ve just got a letter from her’ or ‘we called in last week’.

We often wondered why she would never rest and was always worrying and planning things. We used to tell her to relax but I think she knew she didn’t have long on this earth and she had to cram a lot in. One of the few joys at this difficult time has been realising just how many close friends she had – these were not just casual acquaintances, these were people who loved her deeply.

When I think of my mum, I think of the sacrifices she made when we were growing up. I remember odd things like her sleeping in the dining room at Filton Road so that we could each have a bedroom. When one son plays the guitar, the other the drums and the other is in to amateur radio, that’s probably a good idea anyway! She carted my drums to band practices in that old Morris Minor of hers without complaint. I’m sorry I never made it as a rock star mum, but there’s still time!

Her sacrifices were a lot to do with her desperately wanting us all to have a good education and I guess she was very proud of the way we all turned out. There was a section in her filing cabinet called ‘Famous Sons’ and it contained various snippets like newspaper cuttings. She would say to me – that’s a nice picture dear but I wish you wouldn’t have that spiky hair.

Most of all though, when I think of my mum I smile to myself. I think of the great times she had with her boating friends in Bristol after the three of us left home – driving around in her bright green Triumph Spitfire. All those powerboat parties! I think of her meeting George again after all those years. What a fantastic story that is! I think of their happy times together in their ten years of marriage, whether it was travelling the length and breadth of Britain on their narrow boat or holidays to far-flung places or doing housesitting for people or pottering about in the garden. More recently, the flat in Cornwall was somewhere beautiful for them to visit and relax. She doted on her grandsons, Nattie and Ben. She loved those boys in a joyful, wide-eyed way that only a grandmother can. She was never happier than when she was playing with them. I’ll never forget her excitement at seeing a photo of Nat in his new school uniform for the first time a few weeks ago.

I think of her funny little ways – furiously circling things in the Radio Times that she wanted to watch or tape (but I don’t watch much television dear): her owl collection that Nattie like to rearrange for Grandma: the radio tuned to Radio 4 morning noon and night; eating cold chips from the fridge the morning after (a bad habit I have inherited). As I said, she would insist on seeing the best in the most difficult of people – something that used to infuriate me at times – but she was right and I was wrong.

The music today is something that we particularly shared mum would have wanted. There is no way that mum would have chosen any gloomy hymns – Lord of the Dance is mum to a tee – it sums up her faith and her approach to life. I first saw The Seekers in pantomime at Bristol Hippodrome when I was five. Apparently I was captivated by Judith Durham and her voice. Mum and I saw them at the NEC on their reunion tour. The two of us also watched Judith at the Hippodrome a few years ago from almost exactly the same seats as we had 40 years earlier. The song Colours of my Life reflects, for me, her life. They sing about shedding black and grey to take on red and blue and that is a perfect metaphor for her 69 years on this planet.

Shores of Avalon, at the end of the service, is quite poignant. When mum was in hospital at the end of June, she asked me to buy her a novel from the hospital shop – something light dear, not a thriller. She got most of the way through this Josephine Cox book, but it wasn’t until after she died that I realised that it was titled Journey’s End. I felt awful but then realised that perhaps it was just meant to be. I chose Shores of Avalon because it’s a beautiful song and then afterwards I realised that the last line of the song also talks of the journey’s end – but a journey’s end together.

I try not to think too much about her last couple of days, but how she dealt with her illness summed up her character. The last year since her diagnosis was very difficult. She showed such courage despite the agonies that come with a cancer in your spine and she rarely complained. She was still the same person – always warm and loving and anxious to know your news. During this time, George worked ceaselessly to look after her and make her comfortable. Nobody could have done more and loved her more than you George and I want to thank you publicly for that. Even when she was in hospital, one couldn’t suppress her zest for life. On the bedside table there was a card from Walter thanking her for her recent £100 donation to the African village with which this church has a connection. Even twelve hours before she died, she was getting me to introduce her to the woman in the opposite bed and apologising that she wasn’t well enough to have a chat. She was looking forward to visits from Nattie, from my Goddaughter Lucy and from Grace her latest adopted grandchild.

After mum died, we came back to the house. I went into the garden and there were hundreds of butterflies everywhere. Despite being in floods of tears, I knew that she was very close. Later on, Simon and Andy mentioned that they had noticed the same thing even though they were in a different part of the garden. A few days later I watched a video of her sitting in the garden chatting away to Simon and it helped to erase the memory of her last hours. Seeing her chatting away, worrying about whether I was going to get to Wembley to watch Rovers, cheered me up immensely and I felt I’d got my mum back.

That’s all I wanted to say. I really do hope that in these few words I have done justice to this wonderful, vibrant and caring woman. I am so proud to be her son. She was my inspiration and my guide and I have so much to thank her for. I loved her more than anybody could ever know.

Jean

Mum and Natty
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi

On Wednesday 25th July my darling mum Jean died in Hereford Hospital. She had been ill for the last year but we'd all hoped for so much more time.

We are all devastated. But also amazed - how could one person have so many close friends?

If any of those friends who knew her would like to get in touch with me off line then I can give you details of the arrangements for her funeral.

If any one would like to make a donation in her memory, then it would be wonderful if you were to make a contribution to either:

Cancer Research UK

or

The Macmillan Renton Appeal for Herefordshire


I'll be back here again when I can

Simon

Exhibition Down, Exhibition Up...

Gallery Glue quivrs
Originally uploaded by grewlike

Ironically on the same weekend that S and I took our exhibition down, I heard that my photo that is part of the Quivr Quilt is showing in Newcastle. I hope to get up to see it this week. Funny how that image brings back so many memories...

A quiet weekend at home - getting ready for another hard week at work. ( Three weeks till I'm on holiday!) A nice Skype call with friend D in the States yesterday.

( Oh - and talking of the States, I suppose I really need to be thinking about who I hand over the reins of power to on August 13th...)

Haven't started at the gym yet - tummy still a bit sore. I think I'll wait until I see the doc in three weeks.

Headed Home...

..after a lovely relaxing few days away at the Latitude Festival in Suffolk - staying in a nice little cottage in Walberswick. ( Photos here) J is staying there for the rest of the week to get some writing done but I have to come back for meetings in London tomorrow.



It's been a good test of my fitness too - loads of walking at the festival itself and on the beach. ( Chickened out of swimming though!) I definitely feel fitter and maybe even slightly more toned.



I think now is the time to start getting myself properly fit.



Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Zeds

I'm in Birmingham today and tomorrow and then off for the weekend with J on Friday.

And I'm SO tired! I was in bed and asleep by ten last night and I think it'll be the same in the hotel tonight. I think it's just with having to do longer hours to make up for my days off this and next week - and I had an early start this morning. ( Slept on the train...)

Apart from that I'm.......zzzzzzzzzzz

Raced For For Life ...

Well - S and A did it! On behalf of their investors, I can provide the evidence.

Alfie and I went to cheer them on - in the sunshine for once.

And it was very moving to see who they were running for....

(Thanks and well done! x)

The Good Life

Having a nice quiet Saturday after a grumpy hard week at work - and next week doesn't look much better. ( Until Friday of course....) So Alfie and I are just chilling today. (J is still away at a conference in Lisbon. She says the fish is great!) A kebab beckons later.

Of course I should be dieting really. Yesterday I had two meals out! At lunchtime I went to meet some former colleagues ( to catch up on professional gossip..) at Cafe Lilli in Norton and last night saw friend C for a great meal at As You Like It in Newcastle. Both places highly recommended.



( so - your tummy's OK then..? - ed)

Brothers

Brothers
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi

I really like this picture - taken at my mum's birthday party at the weekend. Looks like I'm always destined to be the shortest...

Commuting

I'm still away in the Midlands.



We had a lovely birthday time with my mum over the weekend but she is really not well at the moment and G is on call for her 24/7.



J and I met up briefly in London on Saturday to see Lou Reed (who was superb) - really lovely to see her. We're both looking forward to a longer break together in a fortnight.



I'm commuting into Birmingham today and Tuesday and driving back home on Wednesday morning. It's meaning long days but at least I get to see something of mum and G inthe evenings.



Healthwise I'm OK. My tummy is still a bit upset and I tripped in the street today which jarred my hernia site. No damage done but I'll be glad of hot bath when I get in tonight!



More when I'm home.







Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Reading

This Rest Of Your Life Thing is really peculiar. On the one hand, I've been feeling a bit odd, sort of disconnected and panicky this week. J my counsellor and I have talked about it a lot - it almost feels Existential - which would make some sense. I'm worried about my colonoscopy ( delayed now until August) and frustrated that I can't get myself fitter. It's like my life has a kind of judder in it at the moment. ( And of course, as Jules has just discovered, the cancer thing or its possibility is always there - usually hidden, sometimes less so.)

On the other hand, I've just finished reading my first proper book since I discovered I had cancer more than eighteeen months ago. It's been so frustrating continuing to see or hear about all these amazing books, buying them and then watching them pile up unread or partially read just because I couldn't concentrate on them. ( Physical or psychological? - I'm really not sure)

But this week, I did it. So thankyou Lionel Shriver for your amazing novel We Need To Talk About Kevin.

Catch Up

I just realised that it's been a week since I updated this. It wasn't actually conscious but I am beginning to wonder whether I still want to be regularly updating a cancer-related blog when I'm trying to move on from that. I won't just drop it though - but I may think about moving over to the old blog for day to day stuff ( have to update the design a bit though!) and just keep this one for occasional health updates. I'll let you all know if I do though.

Anyway. It's been a busy week with work but my health seems to have been OK generally - some days have more trips to the toilet than others or I'm a bit more sore but all manageable.

Nice to get an email from Ian my Cancer Voice. He was really helpful when I was deciding about chemo. I think I might find out about becoming one myself - it feels like there has to come a point when one feels that cancer is more er.. behind you than in front, if you see what I mean.

Pacing

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good so I decided to make a start on weeding the back garden with a view to moving on to mowing the lawn. I very quickly discovered how much I still have to pace myself - I was tired and achy ( and sore at the hernia site) after about 10 mins of weeding. OK - they were big weeds but still...

In one way, it's really frustrating - I hate it that it all looks so untidy and I feel like I'm letting things slip.

But I am NOT going to mess this up now by being silly. So the lawn will have to wait - along with the rest of the weeds.

Exhibition

Well - here it is - your own virtual tour. Took us a while to set up but I hope you'll agree - it looks pretty good!

Latitude

Friday night at last. Kebab time. ( It's the County Durham version of Margherita Time...)

Loads to do this weekend. Putting the exhibition up tomorrow morning and then my Intermediate Documentary Film Course starts in the afternoon. Busy Busy.

My tummy's been upset for a few days - not sure what that's about. Manageable - but I wish it wasn't happening.

But heh! Now there's Latitude! J asked me today if I'd like to go with her. Like a shot!

Race For Life

My friend S and her daughter A are doing the Race for Life in Durham on July 8th. It's a cause close to my er.. heart.

Blue

Door
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi

In the pandemonium of image
I present you with the universal Blue
Blue an open door to soul
An infinite possibility
Becoming tangible

Derek Jarman - Blue ( 1993)

These are the images I'm going to use for the joint exhibition with S at the weekend.

Cheers!

You know, I think I almost enjoy J's birthday as much as I enjoy my own. Almost.

We had a great time in Newcastle. Shopping. A posh drink ( or two) . Dinner. Hotel. Culture.

It was really nice just to chill together. And laugh.

I'm feeling good at the moment.

End of the week....

...and finished in what is beginning to become the traditional Friday night style with World of Warcraft and a kebab. ( OK - it's boy thing...)

I hada low point last night when I got back from London - tiredness really I think - but I've been OK today. Work has been steady but not frantic and healthwise I'm fine - nothing special to report at all really.

J is over in the morning. It's her birthday on Monday so we're spending the weekend together in Newcastle as a treat. A chance to chill - and I suspect there'll be Big Dinners and Shopping too.