Sunny!

In Brum today - a quieter morning so I'm doing a quick bit of blogging from here. Beatiful sunny day!

So - to catch up:

I feel great at the moment! SO full of energy - and it's all down to missing that chemo session. I hadn't realised how much it suppresed/depressed me beyond the immediate weeekend after-effects. But it's so good to have "me" back. It's made me think again about whether I need the whole course of chemo ( you all know the arguments pro and con) and whether it's about time to re-assert some control over my life. Expect more on this. I won't make a hasty decision.

Out with friend S for a nice pub meal on Monday night. Good to catch up on lives and loves.

Workwise, we won that tender I had to schlep ( is that the spelling?) down to Chelmford for last week! I'm really chuffed - it's only £45k ( another £955k of my target to go then…) but it's a start and proves to me in a concrete way that I really do know how to do this stuff.

And finally, I must pay tribute ( I am not worthy) to the brilliant boyz ( David and Toby) from the Apple Store in Birmingham. I took the macbook in last night as when J was away with it it had started just cutting out. When that sort of thing happens, you begin to lose confidence. They were great - mortified that it had happened, gave me a new laptop no quibbling and spent the next two hours ensuring that all our files and stuff were properly migrated to the new lappy. How come they're SO good at customer care in those shops? Why can't other firms manage it? It can't just be down to training. They love the product, they know their stuff backwards and they seem genuinely keen to make sure that you enjoy using a mac as much as they do.

End of commercial. Better get back to work. Train home this afternoon.

Slow Day

So - Italy eh? What do I know?

A slow day here - woke up this morning with a blockage which finally cleared itself a few minutes ago. Nothing too serious, just a bit uncomfortable. Has made me grumpy.

I saw Dr C this morning. The infection seems to be clearing so I can probably restart chemo on Friday. Er..great.

I told her how good I'd felt over the weeekend without chemo and we rehearsed the usual " Is it 24 or 30 weeks ?" stuff. "Maybe 24 - we'll see how you are".

Ho hum. When they're ready to tell me they will. And when I've had enough of it and of them, I might just stop it anyway. But not yet.

( Told you I was grumpy...)

Lifted!

Just waiting for the World Cup Final to begin. France I reckon - but I know nothing.

It's been mostly a great weekend. Not having had chemo I feel SO much better - I don't realise how much it supresses me.

A good night out in Newcastle with C on Friday night. A couple of pints, a nice meal, great conversation and catch up a VERY expensive bottle of wine. Good to see him looking better.

Ordinary healthy hangover on Saturday morning and some family calls and a big shop to restock my freezer after the powercut last week.

Then, last night J came over and we had a great evening cooking thick steaks, watching DVDs and doing teccy things with the macbook ( which is playing up a bit - will try to get that sorted at the Apple Store on Tuesday ) and she said I looked really well too. Maybe it's not just the chemo, she said, maybe I'm really getting better.

And so to the match.

Working at home tomorrow - seeing Dr Coxon at 10.30 am for a chemo check up.

Unlucky Thirteen

Back from Chelmsford late-ish last night - a good day and I think we did a good pitch for the work (We'll hear on Monday) - but a long day nonetheless.

Today at my desk at home and then down to Middlesbrough for a gossipy work lunch with a former colleague.

Then when I went along for what should have been Chemo XIII ( unlucky for some...) I mentioned a slight burning sensation I'd been getting when er... passing water. They did a test and I have a mild infection. Nothing to worry about - just a course of antibiotics over the weekend and see Dr Coxon on Monday, but it meant that they can't give me the chemo this week.

Actually, although it adds another week at the end, I'm quite pleased in a way. It'll be nice to have a non -grim weekend. Unless it's self-induced, of course - I'm going out for a drink and a meal in Newcastle tonight with old friend C...

Heat Haze

It's a slightly misty morning back in Durham. SO Nice to be home again at last.

A strange few days away. Lovely to see my mum ( see right - with Walty) but she's in a lot of pain with her sciatica and therefore not able to listen to my stuff at the moment. My stepfather G was the only person to really ask me unprompted how I was and how I was feeling.

The rest was a haze of heat and World Cup Football , my brother O's postmatch Barbecue, and the journey from hell in the car back from Birmingham last night. ( The aircon - which I paid £130 to have fixed the other day - still isn't working!). I think I got dehydrated at some point because I started feeling very odd - stopped and drank loads of water and felt better. I keep forgetting that at the moment I'm one of those people they keep warning to take care in the heat!

And I came home to discover that my power had gone off over the weekend and the contents of my freezer are slops...

No wonder I'm a bit befuddled as I face a day working at home. Actually, work itself has been fine - I feel engaged and capable with it. I just wish there wasn't so much travelling - I've just heard that I've got to go to Chelmsford on Thursday...

Floating

Well, I'm still not sure whether the handwritten blog idea works, although all of the feedback has been positive. I'll probably try it on occasions when I'm away.

But I'm at home today - just back from Chemo XII (That's 12/30 -or 2/5ths… ) I'm hoping for an easier ride than last weekend, especially as I'm off to Hereford to see my mum tomorrow - and then straight to work in Brum on Monday… ( I talked to my boss on Wednesday about all the travelling and we've agreed that I'm going to schedule in some Home Weeks from now on. My earlier blog refers…)


It'll be great to see mum and G and my brother O ( who lives nearby) - mum's been really suffering from sciatica recently and often sounds quite down when I speak to her. We were supposed to be going to Stratford Upon Avon to see a production of Romeo and Juliet tomorrow - but we've postponed. We'll do it again when we both feel better in the autumn.

Went up to Newcastle for a haircut and facial last night - came out after three hours floating on air! I'm going to keep on with that - it makes me feel so much better. Treated myself to a bag of chips on the way home...

That's about it I think. The garden progresses and blooms ( I'll do a photo next weekend) and I planted my Trachelospermums by the kitchen gate yesterday. Not a moment too soon - they'd been sitting unwatered in my neighbour's front hall for three days!

Oh - and the Rescued Olive looks like it will live. A few green shoots have appeared at the base of the trunk. There won't be much more than that this year, but if it survives the winter, then I think it'll come right next spring.

Home Thoughts From (A) Broad ( Street )

Hmmm..not sure this has worked...

A Better Blog...?

The Godfather!

Hey - guess what? I got a call from my brother A tonight. He and V would like me to be godfather to Benjamin! I'm so chuffed and honoured.

I think I'm more up to the role than last time...

A Study in Taupe...

Well - it's been raining most of the day. Great for the garden ( and the rescued olive tree - more of that in a moment) but not for being outside. So I got the paint roller out and finished the other half of the home office. ( I'd put the desk up and set up the technology earlier in the week. ) I think it looks OK - certainly it was easy to work in on Friday.

So - as you can guess, I'm feeling a lot better today - it seems like the sickness gradually turns to tiredness and then goes. But early yesterday afternoon I felt pretty crap - fortunately it had eased by the time J arrived.

We went to St Chad's College in Durham for the launch of a new anthology, called " North by North East" which was the usual pre-event organisational chaos, but it got there in the end . I got some great pictures.

I'll post them when I get the Macbook back from J at the end of the week. She's on a writing retreat ( sorry - can't get the direct link to work ) in Yorkshire from today (A chance to get her next collection sorted.) and has taken it with her to try out.

The event itself was teeming with Great Northern Poets but we both found it a bit worthy and dull. However, the setting was great - a sort of covered quad.

Oh - and the olive tree. During the break I saw a dry dusty, almost dead little olive tree, baked solid into dry soil in a cracked pot in the corner - definitely on its last legs.

Reader, I liberated it. Now repotted and in my back yard. The patient seems to be doing OK, but I'll keep you posted.

That's when I next see it myself that is. Off to Birmingham again in the morning and then London. Back Wednesday night

Proud

'Feeling pretty grim tonight. For some reason Chemo 11 kicked in almost straight away with nausea and weariness. I've slugged it out with it for most of the evening ( it IS Friday night after all...) but now I'm done in.

I was thinking a bit earlier - you know, I'm actually quite proud of myself for how I'm dealing with all this. You can never know how you're going to be when you have to deal with something like cancer ( I hope that most of you never do - the rest of you know what I mean) and falling to pieces wasn't really ever going to be an option. But still - the hardest bit for me is the daily grind of the cure and I think I'm doing OK. Mostly.

And on that self-congratulatory note, I'm off to me bed.

Eleven

I've just come back from having Chemo XI ( That's 11/30 or 37%). And it's the end of another week.

Sorry there's not been much from me this week - frankly I've been too busy with work, which is a good sign I think. A day in Brum and two in Leeds in the regional office. A much more comfortable office environment than Birmingham and although Brum is nice as a city, I feel more at ease in Leeds.

Work has been hard but stimulating. It's the sort of Friday night where I could just do with a few beers -but I don't think the chemo would like it. So maybe just a small glass of wine later...

Going to go out to the garden now while it's light. More over the weekend.

Oh - a number of people have asked me if I heard this on the radio this morning. I didn't, but it sounds interesting so I'm going to try to catch the repeat.

Bagged Bloke Eats Tomato! World Doesn't End!

It the Salad Season and they've become an obsession.

So - last night I had a thinly sliced big red one! (and a steak...) It was lovely.

No side effects. So far.

(Ed: This is a slow news day, eh...?)

Self Promotion!

Menage a moi
Originally uploaded by Pickersgill Reef.

Taken at Hydrogen Jukebox on Tuesday!

Living Life

So. Saturday morning again. A lovely bright sunny day - one for the Big Hat! I've just had my breakfast out in the garden - it's beginning to look really nice, just how I wanted it. Already I'm thinking of things I'll do differently next year, but it's a good start. One interesting thing that I realised yesterday was that the corner with the bench in it has a curious quietness about it. I hadn't intended it that way but I sort of understand why it's happened. I'm glad it's like that.

Chemo X yesterday. And yes, I finally checked - it is thirty treatments not twenty-four! Damn! So that one was 10/30 or 1/3 ( again...). It's going to be a long summer... Hopefully I'll deal with the nausea a bit better this weekend.

Good work day on London on Thursday - seeing one smallish tender out of the door - and hearing that we've got a pitch for the first one my team put in last week. It's on Monday - so much rushing around to get the team up here ( the job would be NE based...) for then. So many blokes, so many childcare issues to sort.... But the job is worth nearly 1/4 million over two years so it would be great to have. But we're up against some stiff competition. It won't be easy. Going to try to clear my mind of that this weekend.

Came back to a compilation CD from B, J's eldest daughter. Some new music she thought I might like. Isn't that great! She's class - as is her sister ( curently working in Greece) - and of course, their mum! Who will hopefully be up here tonight or in the morning.

And so to my day.

All OK

I'm on the train down to London having seen the ever-jovial Mr B. He said that there's nothing to worry about - my symptoms were not unusual - really just as a result of not using my bottom er..properly for a while. So - although it's not very pleasant, it won't affect the course of my treatment. He'll see me in August and we're on schedule for a late Autumn reconnection . I can't wait!

I'm so relieved - I thought it was probably OK but it's never over till the Fat Man Pokes... ( Actually he's lost some weight...)

So. I'd better do some work finally this week!

Thanks for all your thoughts - it makes a huge difference

Pending

At home this morning waiting for my appointment this afternoon. Nervous. All to say really. Thanks for all the good wishes.

But another great night at The Hydrogen Jukebox last night. J and I provided a muddled sort of teccy support for Sean Burn ( above ) who did an amazing multimedia set. We're hoping to do more of that sort of stuff ourselves with the new macbook. A great set from Jenny Pearden too. She's got an anthology coming out soon - when I find the link, I'll post it.

Oh - and something that astounded me. I was just coming out of the disabled toilets at the Arts Centre ( there's just a bit more room...) when one of the attendants came up to me and said "Those toilets are for disabled people , you know... " I was gobsmacked. All the things I could/should have said - but all I did was mutter " whatever" or something equally lame. But I've marked their card..

Back to J's for cool wine and warm chat.

I'll update on The Other Matter later...

Check Up

I've just heard that Mr Bain my consultant wants to see me on Wednesday. I've had some soreness for the last few weeks so I mentioned the symptoms to my stoma nurse last week and she said she'd raise it with him. I think they may be worried that the abscess has returned - although I don't have a temperature. This is precautionary they say.

But I am worried nonetheless. Things were going so well.

I'm afraid that last night my mind ran riot. Not a good thing to do I know but sometimes the underlying fears just sneak out. Better this morning - it's another sunny day...

I haven't gone to Birmingham today as planned but I still hope get the train down to London on Wednesday evening. Of course, if it's something that needs attention, then I may not go to London at all.

Up and bloody down eh?

Bench!

Not Grimness, nor Technical Ineptitude - nor even Summer Rain was going to stop me putting the last piece of garden furniture in place today...

Slow Monday

I don't know what it is but I've woken up this morning feeling distictly grim - faint, sick and spacy. Feels like a chemo side effect to me but I don't know why it should have chosen today to kick in - I've been pretty much OK over the weekend, although the new antisickness drug they gave me this week hasn't been as good as the one the week before. When I saw Dr Coxon's Registrar this morning ( a nice man - I just didn't catch his name) I mentioned it and he said that the earlier one can cause severe constipation, even for The Bagged like me. So we agreed I'd stay on the current one but could take a bit more if I wanted to - see how that works.

Apart from that they seem happy with my progress, although I have this horrible feeling that actually the treatment will be 30 weeks not 24 which will knock my weekly percentages to pot. I haven't asked, mainly for not wanting to know. But I think it's partly to do with the number of treatments - if I was having monthly chemo it would be 6 X monthly treatments of 5 = 30 but as I'm weekly, 6 months of weekly treatments is only 24 or so - allowing for 5 week months and the like. I suppose I should just ask and get it clarified eh?

Anyway today I feel shite and so Working At Home is er..somewhat flexible. I just need to take it easy today. They'll get the work out of me anyway during the week - Birmingham tomorrow, then London for two days.

Hot Hot Hot

It's been scorching here this weekend! 30 degrees this afternoon! Hope it's been as nice where you are. ( My Australian reader need not comment...) I have to be a bit careful in the sun with the chemo treatment but it's nothing that a big hat and Factor 40 can't deal with.

The Garden Project progresses as you can see. Trellis up and the bed fully planted now. I've moved the table to the other corner ( gets more sun) and have ordered a bench for that space at the end.

I'm really pleased with it. J came over last night and we had a lovely evening out there listening to The Moody Blues ( a long story...) and drinking too much white wine.

It's been a good weekend. Chemo IX on Friday ( that's 9/24 or 3/8ths...) and then up to Newcastle on the train to meet my brother A who was up here for the weekend working. Nice to see him. We began a tentative plan for me to go down and stay with them in August so that I can finally see my new nephew. ( And Natty of course!) I'll probably tack it onto a stay at mum and G's new flat in Cornwall. Hopefully J can come down with me for a few days too.

Side effects are OK this weekend - sort of hard to tell what's chemo and what's hangover actually... Got a check up with Dr Coxon in the morning.

ho hum - I feel a nap coming on...

Anne Armstrong

I don't usually name people on this blog directly but I'd like to on this occasion.

Anne was a colleague at the LSDA when I worked there and was the manager of a large support programme for colleges and other providers. She and I worked very closely together as I ran the regional infrastructure that she needed to deliver her programme. We were very different personalities and didn't always get on, but we always got to where we needed to be in the end. She was completely committed to her work - I'm not always. Maybe that was the difference.

Anne was receiving chemotherapy for breast cancer ( following surgery) during the last year and when I told about my cancer she was incredibly warm and supportive. Her chemo was far more radical than mine but she continued to work as much as possible throughout her treatment. I think it was just her way. When I last saw her, she had heard that she would need further treatment.

While I was away at the conference this week, I heard that Anne had died on Monday.

'God bless...

I've been bloody lucky really, haven't I...?

Hyperlinked!

Well, here we are on Monday morning – back at my post.

It's been a great week off. I feel rested and relaxed - apart from a sore throat. More on that later.

On Saturday I ordered my trellis for the back yard and bought loads of plants. Thing is that the trellis won't arrive till next Saturday so I can't do the fun bit which is actually put the plants in. So, as you saw I just messed around on the mac in the garden instead...

On Sunday morning I painted half the spare room ( which will be my work office once the damn furniture arrives) in er.. taupe . I hate painting (literally like watching paint dry ) but I did it in about an hour. The other half gets done when I get the furniture and can move all the junk from one side of the room to the other.

It was also J's birthday but as she had been invaded by family on Saturday, we'd already agreed to celebrate together later in the week.

Anyway - to start from the beginning:

The whole London trip with J was great .

It started on Wednesday morning with First Class to King's Cross ( including lunch on the train) and then booking into the hotel. Much much shopping later ( including The Apple Shop and Ted Baker ) we got changed and headed off to Koko for The National's gig. This is the fourth time I've seen them and yet again they were superb - a brilliant combination of musicality, poetry, commitment and sly sexiness. The support band Devastations were great too - I already had both their CDs and they were just as good live. J gave the lead singer's moustache a thumbs down though...

Thursday morning was a late breakfast and then off to Jerwood Space ( hiding as I passed my London Office ) to see Iain Forsyth and Jane Pollard's video piece "Walking After Acconci ( Redirected Approaches) " which was really good and also amazingly threatening. Basically it's a piece to camera acted by the rapper Plan B . I don't like his music much but he was superb in this.

Then a quick trip to Tate Modern followed by lunch at the NFT ( Blimey! All these hyperlinks! ) and a nap at the hotel ( Actually I was getting quite tired by then.) before heading off the The Poetry Cafe for J's reading, alongside Bob and Andy with music from Milo, Sean and Kev.

It was a great night and they read really well. J was the best of course - poised, cool sharp and sexy. We had about 30 people show up which was quite good, although, considering that the Poetry Cafe is part of the Poetry Society, the setting is really small and shabbby. They all piled off to the pub afterwards but I was exhausted so went back to the hotel - J arrived back er.. a little later..

Yeah - the tiredness/sickness thing. I mentioned it to the clinic when I had my jab on Friday. Although I've resisted it till now, I asked for some anti sickness tablets and they seem ( so far ) to have really done the job. I've felt much better over the weekend - apart from a sore throat. That could be another side effect I suppose - it's not an infection - my temperature's fine.

So. Off to Brum tomorrow. Three days this time - including the QIA Annual Conference. Be good to see all my ex LSDA colleagues.

Saturday Update

This is just to prove I'm alive and well. Feeling pretty good considering I've now had 8/24 or 1/3rd...

Or could the grin be caused by owning my new Macbook which I used to take this picture and then sent wirelessly from my garden...? I love technology!

My PC is in being upgraded so I'll blog more earlier next week, tell you all about London, my garden, the glorious weather this weekend and how I have spent so much money this week and have loved every pound of it!

The Bad Bog Blog For Blokes with Bags!

I've been meaning to do this for ages. But a visit to a pub in Alnwick yesterday was the final straw.

Waiting

R&C went back this morning on the train. It was really nice having them here - but also nice to have my house back!

I'm feeling much better this afternoon but still a bit sore and restless. I was thinking last night - in many ways this is the worst bit of the whole thing so far. It's a sort of boring day by day thing - the only Big Events are weekly jabs and the counting down. And in the meantime I try to lead as normal a life as possible. But it's so tiring...

I'm trying to take it easy because I want to to be at my best for the trip to London with J tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to that - we're going to do loads of shopping ( I have a particular purchase in mind...) see my favourite band The National ( for the third time) and J is doing a reading in London on Thursday night.

I'll be lit up for that!

A Small Price To Pay

Felt a bit grim today - sick, tired and a bit irritable. But I had a long nap this afternoon and felt a lot better for it. Hopefully this'll ease off again tomorrow.

It's great having R&C here. The backyard is progressing well (although we won't be able to get the extra topsoil as planned) and as I type, they're out there mowing my front lawn! I also discovered that C had done all my ironing this morning er.. including my underwear. A small price to pay I suppose...

As are The Clancy Brothers And Tommy Makem. ( R is a fan..)

Chemo Seven

That's it for another week then. ( 7/24 - that's 29% ) As usual, done with a needle rather than a Pipette...

Talked a bit about the symptoms but nothing much to be done really. I think it's really just a case of pressing on.

The sun's finally come up for the weekend. R&C have finished in the yard for the day and are cooking my supper!

Under The Weather

Still wet......but occasional bright patches.

Like my week really.

The usual two days in Birmingham - I'm still trying to work out what I do for a living but at least I'm busier. And the Jury's Inn is much better than else in Brum so far. What also made it nice was a great chat with my nephew N - it was his third birthday. He enjoyed the ambulance I bought him.

But I felt a bit under the weather a lot of the time too. A bit sick and faint and with a sore mouth and the er..trots. I've got Chemo VII later this afternoon so I'll ask about that. If it stays at this level, it's manageable with work - but not if it gets much worse. I've got a week off next week ( arranged before I joined the firm - it's J's birthday) so I can take things a bit easier and also take stock.

My ex parents-in-law R&C arrived last night for a few days. Lovely to see them and as you can see they've already made a good start on doing my garden bed for me - in spite of the rain... (What can I do...)

Oh - and yesterday I went on my Speed Awarenwess Course which I was offered instead of taking three points for speeding last December. ( On my way to a Radiotherapy Appointment but that cut no ice...) A funny old morning (after all, none of us wanted to be there) but the course was well-run and quite informative.

I'll never do it again ;)

Wet

The rain just kept falling all day - and the forecast says it'll be like this all week. (The table seems to have acclimatised…) Finally stopped an hour or two back.

Could be what accounts for a feeling of sadness for most of today. It might well be the chemo actually - I've felt a bit sick and listless as well. Mouth sore.

Might also be the Day of Rockoning of course...

Worked from home but listlessly - although I did finish my List of course.

Then tonight out in Newcastle for Early Doors with K, (my former PA) at Bar Luga and then for something to eat at Zizzi. Nice to catch up and to talk to somebody who knows me well in a work context - helped me restore a sense of confidence in myself - a bit lacking at the moment.

( Hope the job interview goes well, K...)

Home now - and to bed. Up at the crack of dawn for the train to Birmingham again tomorrow.

Table!

I know - it's pretty sad isn't it? I really liked this garden table when I was looking around the garden centre near my mum's a few weeks back - so I bought it! A bit of negotiation over the delivery cost from Hereford to Durham ( 300 miles) but in the end it cost me no more than it would have done online.

While the sun was temporarily shining this morning, J and I ( with help from B and her daughter C next door ) assembled the table and I put two of the chairs together myself this afternoon - two more to go.

I think it looks great! I celebrated by determinedly having my lunch out there today, ignorning the slight drizzle...


Next garden jobs are next week when R&C my ex-parents-in -law are coming to stay for a few days. That's when the border behind the table gets sorted and those poor olive trees get repotted!

A lovely afternoon/evening with J yesterday - mostly putting together the first bits of the new piece she's writing. (It's brilliant.) Finding the right images and music can't be rushed but it's also great fun - and nice just to spend some proper time with her.

I started feeling a bit queasy in the afternoon yesterday which wasn't very pleasant - but of course, it was the day after my chemo so I should have expected it. But it eased though the evening and I feel fine today.

The rain's really coming down now - hope the table's OK...

Weekend!

Nah...I'll keep you guessing.

Except that those of you who've worked out how to find hidden secrets on this blog will know where to look now...

It weighed a ton and I shouldn't really have helped the delivery man bring it in but it was either that or wait till next week. I'll unwrap it tomorrow.

...Which is the weekend! I feel I've earned this one - a hard week at work in anyone's terms. Really looking forward to it - especially J coming over . In the meantime I've opened a bottle of wine and had a chinese takeaway to celebrate.

I know - shouldn't have takeaways with chemo but whathtehell. After all I've just had 6/24 - which is 1/4! It's moving along isn't it?

This Working Life...

Blimey! And people do this everyday...?

A long long work week which started with the trip down to Birmingham on Monday night and a two night stay at the Premier Apartments in Birmingham. After the shoebox they put me in last week this was certainly better - a nice proper flat with kitchen and all mod cons. It was probably a bit overpriced for what it was and a bit grubby ( rather worrying large dark stain in the middle of the bedroom carpet - it wasn't me, honest... ) but nice enough and an easy walk to work.

Where I had my first Board Meeting on Tuesday morning. Lots of giggling, smirking and besuited smugness ( 9 men 1 woman..) and I kept expecting Reginald Perrin to appear. But friendly enough - a lot of corporate bottom sniffing going on and of course, some testing out. But I survived. No - I did well actually.

Best quote from the meeting: " How do you plan to privilege your time across the Group…? " Any ideas what that means?

And I'm getting into the job more now - it appears that I've been put in charge of a loss making division and am seen as the Great Hope to dig them out of the clarts. The Chief Exec ( to whom I now report directly - my boss seems to have been moved sideways..) wants my recovery plan on Monday...

Waddever. Don't they know I'm ill? (Cough)

Back from Brum late on Wednesay and straight down to London for the day yesterday - not easy to drag myself out of bed at 5.00 am again I can tell you. The meeting I went for was something that normally I wouldn't have bothered with but it was a fairly junior member of staff meeting a senior person from a large client and I think she wanted some handholding. And it got me back into the swing of meetings.

A long sleep on the train back. I stayed on till Newcastle to get my haircut and to have the facial I'd promised myself ages ago. It was lovely - 2 hours of bliss. J who did it ( yes - another one!) was really nice and declared my elemental temperament to be Fire... Always a level of b*ll*cks in this stuff but I've booked another one. My skin is quite sore generally the moment at it certainly feels soothed this morning.

And so it's Friday! Loads of work to do at home - and then a visit from J to look forward to tomorrow. Chemo VI this afternoon ( I've changed the day) and then a visit to counsellor J just to check things out.

I know I'm working too hard - but I seem to be handling it at the moment. I get very tired but seem to be able to make up for it with more and deeper night-sleep.

No sign of the new table yet... I let you know. Should be today...

Bristol

Back last night from a lovely ( and surprisingly sunny) weekend in Bristol with my dad, M, his wife M and my sister S.

The flight on Friday was delayed for an hour because of bad weather ( hence my initial pessimism about the weather for the weekend) so when I got there about 10 there was only time to slug back some wine before toddling off to bed.

I slept and slept and slept and so by the time I surfaced and was breakfasted it was late morning. We drove into Bristol for a bit of shopping but mainly so that I could see the changes that have happened in the 30 years since I last really lived there. And of course, some are huge - whole swathes of the city centre completely different and some just the same. I suppose most cities are like that.

A quiet afternoon at their home becoming increasingly engrossed in the FA Cup Final. A great match. J rang later - nice to speak with her. We've not seen each other for a week and I do miss her. ( Should see her next weekend) She's off to Lindisfarne for a few days with some friends to concentrate on writing and relaxing - which she really needs.

Then in the evening out for a meal at The Hunter's Rest. Quite a nice setting ( once we'd got ourselves away from the hen party...) and the food was OK although I was beginning to flag a bit towards the end - tired and feeling a bit queasy. ( I love Bass but I don't think it likes me much at the moment...) It was great to chat with M and M and any conversational rocks were deftly and amiably avoided. A nice evening.

Sunday morning was another lie in and then twelve doors down the road to see my sister S ( see previous blog) and her partner J and their beautiful house - really nicely and tastefully refurbished. Three hours of coffee chat and catch up passed in no time at all before we ambled back down the road for Sunday lunch.

Then after a lovely family post lunch laze with the papers, it was suddenly all too soon ready to go and get my flight home.

The flight back was much better and I was home by 8 and in bed by 9!

A lovely weekend.

And chemo side effects? Well - the bag is working a bit more - I was up about 5 times with it last night. And I'm a bit tireder and feel a little more sick. But it all feels manageable at the moment.

Off to Brum for work again tonight - I think the accommodation should be better this time. And loads to do today - including awaiting The Arrival of My New Table! But I'll probably blog/brag about that seperately later...

Sister Sass on Sunday Morning

Sister Sass on Sunday
Originally uploaded by Menage a Moi.

They obviously put some weird stuff in the coffee in Bristol....

Feast or Famine...

...with this blog isn't it? After yesterday's marathon blog and day, both will be shorter tonight.

Tried to get the laptop and other teccy stuff set up in what will be my new home office today. Of course the inevitable problems and long converations with helpful young blokes from the IT Department. Nearly there now.

And of course, this afternoon, Chemo V with the new higher dose! ( That's 5/24 or 21% ) We'll have to see what the side effects are like...

And that's it for today. I just feel weary - an early night for sure.

Flying down to Bristol for the weekend tomorrow evening to stay with my dad and his wife M and see my step/sister S. Looking forward to that.

Once I've done a day's work, that is...

Senior Moments

Funny old two days in Birmingham.

The train down was crowded and uncomfortable. I might start paying the first class premium myself ( until I can charge it to projects…) - it would be worth it for the comfort and space .

And at work, I begin to get the flavour of the place - curiously hierarchical and formal under a guise of informality. ( I get a bigger TFT computer screen because I'm more senior…) It also was good to see P again - an old colleague from LSDA days who's been with them for about a year so he gave me a more warts and all induction...The IT support seems very good - I now have a new laptop and printer for my home office. Just need a desk now - that should arrive at home in the next few days

One of the things I noticed though was that I didn't eat enough - I felt faint and weak late morning yesterday. Just too much to do - and not sure where or what to eat. I must get more disciplined at that and with drinking more fluids. I think I was better today - took a bottle of water and some bananas in.

But when I did get out at lunchtime I began to explore the the centre of Brum. It's great - I could spend hours there. So many shops - so little time...

After work - to my hotel. The nitenite hotel - really! It's one of those new japanese-style minimalist ( ie: small - well, you can see ) hotel concepts - a small box with no windows but a HUGE plasma telly instead - mostly showing CCTV views of outside the hotel. Bizarre. It was actually surprisingly comfortable ( and the staff were friendly and helpful but undertrained) but not my thing - just too claustrophobic. It's how I imagine an open prison would be. I kept wondering what time Slopping Out was...

Maybe I'm just getting too old? Or too senior..?

But, interestingly ( for me anyway - this my blog after all!) when I had to change my baseplate when I got there (no emergency - it just needed doing) the process of doing it was strangely calming. You can't rush it at all - things must be done in order. It takes as long as it takes. A kinda Stoma Karma…

Then a nice ( but rushed ) Pizza Hut meal before the Josh Ritter gig. He's someone whose music I've liked for the last couple of years and I've been waiting to see him live. So when I saw he was beginning his Britsh tour in Birmingham, things came together.

The venue was the Glee Club - hidden away between Birmingham's gay and Chinese quarters. It took ages to find. In a funny way it reminded me of the pub I went to in Belfast to see Tom Russell last year - a huge seated semi circle - with an equally huge bar at the edge. The same intimate clubby atmosphere but not as working class as Belfast. And the Ormeau Road is neither gay nor Chinese. As far as I know.

erm....Moving swiftly on.

The support was called Nicolai Dunger - a singer songwriter. Plainly very talented but self indulgent and probably stoned. At one point he asked the audience "How long have I been on?" and ( bless them ) no-one shouted " Too long!" but it was tempting. It really contrasted with the treatment Sons and Daughters got last week at the Morrissey Gig.

Josh himself was class. Exuberant, articulate and engaging - with a really tight backing band.

Hard to explain what he's like. Sometimes the songs sound like a sexy Paul Simon without the archness (and certainly without Art) - at others he's like Bob Dylan in 1963 if His Bobness had stuck with rock and roll.The voice really reminds me of Steve Forbert (Now, whatever happened to him?)

But of course, he's actually unique - I don't know why we (I) feel this need to Compare and Contrast artists.

Anyway it was a great gig. He thought so too - kept muttering "Awesome..." and I think he meant it from the grin on his face. And he played the same Telecaster as moi...

I limped back to my cell ( it had been a very long day) and fell asleep at once.

Today has been quieter - just a few internal introductory meetings. It got painfully slow in the afternoon but I felt I should be seen to be there for the full day. I'm just beginning to realise how much I'm going to have to manage my own induction though - maybe that's the price of the bigger computer screen?

Back very late tonight - my train was delayed for an hour. That's probably why I've gone on a bit tonight - most of this was written as I watched the sun set over Northallerton. Supper was the last sandwich on the train.

Hey ho - maybe I am getting more philosophical as I get more Senior...

Very tired now - lots to do tomorrow.

nitenite xx

Birmingham Bound

On the train to Brum again - another early start. The feeling of deja vue from my regular trips for my old job was increased by the fact that this (which will be my regular) train is just before before the one I always used to get to London!

I think I'm going to be playing musical seats all the way though as I was too late to get a seat reservation.

Saw Dr Coxon the Chemo Consultant yesterday. I told her about the fatigue, which she noted in a to-be-expected way. Generally they're pleased with how I'm tolerating the treatment although my white blood cell count is a bit on the low side. This affects my ability to fight infection I think but they're not worried about it at the moment.

Indeed they're so not-worried that when I mentioned about leaving the Photography Course early because the tutor had a cold, she said that that was probably not necessary as colds are not the kind of infection they worry about...( I thought they were - need to clarify that.)

Anyway they're going to increase my dose from 375 to 425 (mls I assume) which means the treatment will finish in the promised 24 weeks. If I can tolerate 475 then that would shorten the treatment even further but of course the side effects could be worse. They'll see how I do with this increase first and then review it all in a month.

This train is still only just past York - 2 hours to go. Time for a nap I think...

Fatigue

I was just looking back at my recent blogs. They all mention tiredness don't they? And today it's been the same - a good night's sleep and a quiet morning but by early afternoon I got really tired. I should have rested but I tried to work though it by planting a few Bizzy Lizzies and clearing my spare room to use as a work study. But it caught me in the end and just had to sit down for a while.

I got a second wind for a couple of hours but now I'm exhausted again. This is the chemo fatigue I'm sure - it feels different from ordinary tiredness. I've got a chemo review appointment with Dr Coxon tomorrow - I'll mention it to her.

Taking Stock

Baseplate changed - that's better. Sitting here with a glass of sherry. Aids digestion you know...

Blimey! It's been a long week and I'm exhausted. I think I'll have my supper and another early night and no setting of the alarm clock for tomorrow - after all it is Sunday!

But heh - I saw Morrissey this week. I saw my family. I started a new job. I did a course. ( Well - half of one!)

Not bad, given the circumstances..

Here are some of the best images from the week. And the whole lot here.

As I said ealier in the week, Morrissey was great - J and I really enjoyed it. But a high proportion of the audience had come to see Old Morrissey do Smith's hits - and were disappointed when he didn't. The support band Sons and Daughters were good ( I bought their CD a couple of days ago and it's grown on me) - but they were treated even more rudely. " Hurry up and f*ck off!" was one of the nicer things heckled at them. I felt embarassed - wanted to apologise. Which I'll do here anyway. Geordies don't do themselves any favours sometimes.

Lovely to see many of my family - and those that I didn't see this week in Herefordshire, I'll see next weekend in Bristol. My nephew N is class isn't he? ( Have to confess that my brother A took this picture…) - SO full of energy! I MUST find a way to get down to Weybridge and meet his little brother for the first time.

And the new job - I think that'll need much more blogging another time. But they seem nice people and the job feels hard but not daunting. It''s more an issue as to whether my strength holds up.

And of course, all week J was there. On the phone. On email. On Skype. At my house.

She's got a hard week coming up too, poor sweetie

{ HUG }

Saturday

A lovely evening last night with J. We went out for a meal at The Seven Stars which we haven't been to for a while. We both thought that the food wasn't quite as good as it used to be - but mainly it was just a nice chance to catch up and chat.

Then back to mine to watch some Green Wing. First time I'd seen it, but I thought it was great. I have a horrible feeling that hospitals really are like this!

An earlish night and I slept reasonably but I had leg cramps and my stoma site was sore - still is really. I think Iwas just a bit careless putting it on and it's leaked a bit under the baseplate. I'll have a bath and change it tonight.

Then today, J went into Newcastle to meet a friend for coffee and I went to Newcastle City Library for an Introduction to Digital Photography Course run by Tyneside Cinema. I know a fair amount about digital photography and I take fairly good pictures but I thought it would be useful to be taught about it from scratch. And it was - the tutor Zoe was very good ( although a three hour morning session without a break was bit too much!) and I understand lots more about the basics of photography than I did before. The thing is though - she had a streaming cold and I got more and more anxious about as the morning progressed. With the chemo knocking out my immune system, I'm really susceptible to infections and could end up in hospital. So I left at lunchtime. A shame but nothing else to be done.

And to be honest, I was getting tired and that's got worse through the afternoon. Going to take it very easy for the rest of the day.

One Sixth!

Back from my travels - and, yet again, exhausted! Not surprising really. I think I am doing a bit too much.

Drove in from mum's to work in Birmingham this morning. Fine until I got to within about a mile and then the satnav got confused by all the one-way streets . I ended up in a multistorey about 20 mins walk away after a journey of 2 1/2 hours! ( Should have taken half that.)

Actually a quietish morning there with a few short introduction meetings and I managed to get away at midday. A hot, sore, boring, but fairly quick drive back to Durham got me to Chemo IV in plenty of time.

Thats 4/24 or 1/6th of the whole!

I'll do a longer blog at the weekend. Bed now.

Work!

Another brief blog - this time from the train between Birmingham and my mum's.

My first day at work for more than 3 months and my first new job for nearly 10 years. No wonder I'm exhausted - or is that the little matter of the chemotherapy...?

It went well. People were nice and helpful and supportive and I didn't feel out of my depth. But it's going to be busy and that's what I'm going to have to watch - not taking on too much until I'm sure I can manage it.

Anyway - I did it.And I have to do it all over again tomorrow. So tonight a nap on the train, a bath (I do ache quite a lot but no pain) and tea, a call to J and another early night!

Thanks to everyone for your good wishes for today - they worked.

Quick Update

I'm on my mum's very slow dial up PC so this 'll have to be short - I'll update later.

A great Morrissey gig with J on Sunday although a large portion of the audience obviously wanted Old Moz and when they didn't get him ( or an encore) they didn't like it.

And told him so.

" You fat Tory bastard...!" they heckled. hmmm. More about that some time.

An easy drive to Hereford yesterday and a fun afternoon in the sunshine with my nephew N ( nearly 3)when I got here

Today, a qiet day at mum's before starting work in Birmingham tomorrow. Looking forward to it - but, of course, nervous.

More when I can.

Flickrmeet

on the shields ferry
Originally uploaded by Pig Sty Ave.

( Photo - courtesy of Garry )

Regular readers will remember that occasionally I shuffle off to flickr with other like minded people. No animals and few children are harmed in the process and I always enjoy myself in a quiet shy way.

This time it was to South Shields, across to North Shields and back again. You can see my photos here.

The thing that strikes me about this picture ( me second left) is how thin I look. Hadn't realised. Need more pies!

Then in the evening I went over to dinner with friends M & C in Sunderland. They certainly helped with the feeding me up! A lovely evening chatting and catching up ( we all used to work together). Got home fairly early and slept the sleep of the er... sleepy.

This morning, I'm packing up for the trip to mum's tomoorrow and sorting things for starting the new job in Birmingham on Wednesday. If I get it all sorted I may pop over to Dawdon for another flickrmeet before meeting J off her train. Busy busy....

And then to the Morrissey gig!

More in a day or two. I'm feeling good.

Back Home

I'm SO tired! Had to decide whether to write this slightly less coherently tonight or leave it till the morning. Decided on the former - but you have been warned...

I got the next train from Durham fine - and had an uneventful journey to Nottingham. Only thing was that when I was first taken ill in November last year, it was in a Virgin Train Toilet - something about that purple toilet bowl reminded me about all that. Seems so long ago.

The Conference was great. I mean, it was interesting, I wasn't at all out of touch ( depressing in a way - shouldn't something more have happened in three months? ) it was good to meet old friends ( some like N, who read this blog... ) it felt good to get my head working again - and of course, to be with J was brilliant. ( We first met at a conference like this about 11 years ago.) But it was also very tiring - we didn't make it to the after dinner speech last night.

Up sharp this morning and did the morning at the conference. But by lunchtime, Meadowhall called and we escaped in J's hire car to Seriously Shop. ( This usually happens to us at conferences!)

I wanted to get some new clothes for work, starting with a jacket. We soon got the idea of what I was after and after an hour or so found ourselves in Cecil Gee, looking at a very nice Solbiati blue linen pinstripe jacket. Which miraculously became a very nice Solbiati blue linen pinstripe suit. ( Once I'd had a slight panic attack about trouser size to allow for The Bag...)

Deal Done.

Then to House of Fraser, for a cuppa where, miraculously I found I'd also bought a very nice linen suit from there as well!

We decided to quit while we were ahead and drove back up to Durham in a couple of hours. Said goodbye there. J's off to Birmingham tomorrow to meet an old friend but back on Sunday. I'll meet her off the train.

So - a good, but exhausting few days - and more to come next week. But as must seem obvious, I'm feeling much stronger and on top of things. Still no real chemo side effects. Feels good to have myself back. Long may it continue!

Now I'm off to bed - I don't care how early it is!

Back on Durham Station

Well, here I am, back on Durham Railway Station having missed my train by 2 minutes! Plus ca change..

I was up nice and early and got to the Chemo Unit in plenty of time but even though Nurse Sarah had me all rigged up, there was a long delay while we waited for the drugs themselves to arrive from Pharmacy...

Anyway - that's 3/24 - or 1/8th of the whole treatment.

I got to the station in time to see my train pull away, but I refuse to get stressed about this stuff. Not today anyway.

Another train in 20 minutes.

The Bain Of My Life...

Yep - my check up with Bagburster Bain this afternoon. The appointments were running an hour late - but so do his operations...

An amiable but brief session. Bit of a chat, bit of a prod, bit of an er..examination and he said he was pleased to see me looking so well. The anastomosis is doing well now with no sign of the abscess and he said that when I have my next check up in August, if all is still well, we'll be able to set a date for the reconnection!

It's odd , but although I know myself that I've been feeling much better over the past few weeks ( Apart from a bit of a blockage for a while yesterday - that's courgette off the the list then...) it was good ( Just typed "god" by mistake...) to hear it confirmed by him.

No side effects at all from the chemo at the moment. Number III first thing tomorrow morning and then straight on to a train to Nottingham for the conference with J . ( She's driving down earlier and meeting me there. ) I'm quite looking forward to it as it's my first work-related thing for more than three months and I'm keen to know how I'll be. Will I understand what's going on? ( Actually J says I'll soon remember how I dull I find some of this stuff...)

So. I'll try a mobile blog while I'm away - say how it's going.

Oh - and the Weekly Music Chart in the sidebar was updated yesterday.

It was Morrissey….

Three Months

It's three months today since my operation. I'm not sure how I feel about that - it seems longer in a way. Also makes me think how long I've still got to go with this - another six months of chemo and then the reconnection. I really would like all of this done by Christmas and then I can start 2007 as a kind of clean sheet. ( Apart from the 3 monthly check ups/scans of course...) But I also know I shouldn't wish this year away - it has had good things already and it will have more.

Enough philosophy.

Strangely enough I feel less tired today - even though I've done loads of things. I actually sorted the greenhouse out last night (after a second glass of wine...) and after some final tweaking this morning, I put it out in it's new place in the yard. Will try to get some tomato plants to go in there tomorrow.

And then I put up my curtains in my bedroom. ( I was going to call this blogentry "Curtains.." but I didn't like to worry anybody... ) This has been a saga. I bought them on ebay a month ago but then they had to go to a draper's to get the pleating unstitched and when I went to put them up a few days ago I discovered that the curtain track was wrong. I bought new curtain track and hooks yesterday and so today I put it all together. I'm really pleased with the curtains - they look great. But I'm also very pleased with myself for putting up a curtain rail as I don't usually consider myself to be very good at DIY - even the supposedly simple stuff like this.

Then a walk - two miles in the teatime sunshine. A good day.

Oh and for those of you ( like my sister) who wait avidly each Monday for my weekly music chart, knowing that it will have it's finger on the pulse of the zeitgeist ( Q: Can a zeitgeist have a pulse?) I'm afraid there'll be a slight delay this week. There's a problem with the database that feeds it.

But I'd be very surprised if Morrissey wasn't Number One. I seem to have been listening to him all week - apart from today which has been mostly dedicated to His Bobness.

Fatigue?

I am exhausted! It started to come on as I was going round the supermarket this morning - like I felt myself getting slower and s-l-o-w-e-r....

I came home, put the shopping away and fell asleep in the chair for an hour!

Came to still feeling a bit tired but pulled myself together and started to assemble my mini-greenhouse which had arrived a day or two ago. You know how some instructions for self-assembly are great - clear, intuitive, well-written?

Not these.

After two hours, it's ( less than) halfway put together and I need another nap! Will do more of it tomorrow. Or trash it...

In spite of the nurse saying the other day that it's too early for side effects to kick in, I don't know what else this could be. Just makes me feel so slow.

A bit worrying because I finally had the conversation with A my new boss yesterday about going down to Birmingham for the day on May 3 to begin my new job. ( I'll stay at my mum's for a couple of days before.) We agreed that we'd keep things closely under review and see how the chemo is affecting me but at this rate I can see myself dozing through most of my induction!

Went out with S yesterday evening to the Biscuit Factory in Newcastle for their first Contemporary Art Auction. S is a really accomplished artist and she wanted to see what sort of pictures were there and what they fetched. It was a curious event - a mixture of very posh people and the artists themselves and lots of people like us just observing - making sure we didn't scratch our noses inadvertently! She could easily get her pictures accepted there I think but they take a huge commission off both artists and buyers so you wouldn't do it for the money. Unless you were Damien Hirst or Alexander Millar ( Why do people like those Gadgy pictures so much...? ) that is - pictures by them went for thousands!

(Oh - and there was no running water or toilet paper in the Men's Toilets...)

A busy week next week - appointment with Mr Bain on Wednesday, Chemo III on Thursday morning and then J ( she's in Liverpool this weekend seeing her daughter B ) and I are going to a conference in Nottingham. She was going anyway and suggested that I come too as it might be a good way to begin to catch of with work-related issues. And if it's dull we can always leg it to the shops!

Another nap now. Hope I don't dream about greenhouses.

Merry Maids!

My annual treat today - get Debbie and her Merry Maids in to do a full Spring Clean of the house! Just great to come back to.

While they were about their business, I went down to J's for the day and we had a great time sorting things out on her PC - getting rid of files, making it do some of the things it's supposed to etc. Yeah - I know - not everybody's idea of fun but I love doing this sort of stuff with her. Je suis un geek... Nous sommes geeks...

Oh - and I just happened to mention to her that I'd got us tickets to see Morrissey at the Sage in Gatehead at the end of the month... Thanks ebay....

Then up to Durham for Chemo. ( 2/24 - that's 1/12th of the way through...). Nurse Sarah was great and very sympathetic to my my list of side effects - but I got the sense that she didn't believe a word of it. It's not like she wasn't listening to me. Just too early. Not with this treatment....

I sort of know what she means. I know that I've been supersensitive to every ache and pain this week and it's really not been too bad. The symptoms I've had ( sore hands, the bloody eye) are things that I get anyway.

Just keep it all under review eh?

Off Colour

Didn't have a very good night's sleep last night. Even given that I'm up two or three times every night for the bag ( That's my own fault - I eat dinner too late) I usually sleep/get back to sleep OK and feel rested in the morning.

Not last night - definitely just a series of short naps.

And as well as the sore hands, I've got the first soreness around my mouth and a burst blood vessell in my eye. This does happen to me occasionally for no apparent reason (It doesn't hurt at all - just doesn't look nice) but I suspect that I'm more prone to it because of the chemo, which tends to make you bleed more easily. But at least I've stopped feeling queasy.

Ah well - I'll ask about it all at Chemo II tomorrow - I expect a pattern will emerge as things progress.

Spring Thoughts

Saw my first pair of swallows on Sunday afternoon - doesn't make a summer, I know but...

And a nice visit from my youngest brother A - he works as a Sound Supervisor for the BBC and was up here covering a football match. J came over as well and we went out for a pub meal.

During the day, I'd been feeling increasingly queasy and so I wasn't sure how I was going to handle the pub and a meal. But after two pints and a big plate of gammon and chips and a shared bottle of red wine when we got home, we decided there probably wasn't anything much wrong with me... Seriously, the sickness does seem to be worse if I let myself get at all hungry - so I'm trying to eat little and often. Need to watch my weight a bit as well - nothing to be concerned about but I have lost a couple of pounds over the last fortnight and at the moment I notice it.

My hands are definitely sore and cracked now - but nothing a bit of E45 can't deal with. Also some cramps in my feet?

Over the red wine, the conversation turned to finances - mostly what I should do with my redundancy money and my new ( higher ) salary. Pension? Investment?

"Why not think about moving to a new house?" said A. Well, that set us all off . The free paper was retrieved from the recycling bin and we had a great hour or so playing " Find Simon A House". There are some really nice ones around in the middle of Durham - not all of them outside my price range...

So on Monday, after A had gone, J and I had a lovely morning driving around Durham looking at possible locations and noting a few properties/areas. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to move tomorrow - but I do think that the seed of it as a possibility has been planted...

We also had a great time just wandering around the Durham shops - window shopping clothes for me, clothes for J, secondhand shops, coffee etc. We always have such a great time when we do that.

Then back to her place to finish her Easter Egg before her daughter D got home and scoffed it all..

So - all in all, a good weekend - and it's still sunny today!

Stocking Up

Another trip to the DIY store yesterday to get a bamboo plant and some lavender - and a chimenea to be delivered next week. Eventually most of that will go in the second yard ( top of picture) which will be my summer retreat, but for now I want to see it all from the house.

And I also took delivery of a new garden storage box and two more olive trees ( on the left in this picture). Oh - and I've ordered a mini-greenhouse as well. I may not be able to eat tomatoes this year, but I'm still going to grow them!

It's nice to feel I'm getting on with stuff.

Chemo symptoms kicking in a bit now - definitely feeling queasy and sore hands for sure. All bearable though - and apart from that, I'm feeling good. It's sunny Sunday morning as you can see.

Happy Easter!

Tamar Bailey

Day Three after my first chemo and I have noticed a tiny bit of soreness on the back of my hands. Hard to tell whether it's a side effect or not as I tend to get sore hands when I'm feeling a bit stressed anyway.

Not quite the active day I hoped for yesterday, but I did get to the supermarket and to the DIY store for some more stuff for the garden - including More Olive Trees!

In my post on Thursday, I mentioned about Tamar Bailey, the 26 year old who's being refused a particular colon cancer treatment by her local health authority.

I thought the name rang a bell. Ironically, my mother's maiden name was Bailey and her grandmother's first name was Tamar...

Anyway. Tamar has a website here - I've set up a permanent link in the sidebar.

Side Effects...?

Hmmm. didn't think they'd kick in that fast...

I was determined to get this picture for the Quiver Project but I had to be damn quick in a crowded hospital corridor so it's not quite as steady as I would have liked. But you get the idea.

It was fine. Of course.

The nurse, Pat was great and the jab really only took ten minutes as they'd promised and I feel fine. (That's 1/24 then... )


A much more pleasant surprise was my brother O and his wife J calling in on their way back home to Herefordshire from O's birthday treat in York and seeing rellies on Tyneside. Nice to see them. My other brother A is staying on Sunday night too.

So. Easter weekend. People are winding down from a week's work and looking forward to a long weekend. J is planting her seed potatoes tomorrow. As I don't appear to suddenly look like an extra from " Champions", I think I'll pull myself together and try and do something a bit more active too. Dunno what yet.

Avastin

I was just getting up when I caught the words "bowel cancer" on the radio. An interview with 26 year old Tamar Bailey who has advanced non-operable bowel cancer and is being refused drug treatment with the newly-approved drug Avastin. Although they won't quite admit it, it looks like it's because her Health Authority won't ( or can't) find the money.

You can read the full story here.

Something to aim for...

Another great night at the Hydrogen Jukebox ( I'll find the link later - J says that the website's disappeared! - ed) last night.

As well as a brilliant piece from Kate Fox, there were great sets from Kalle Niinikangas and Bob Beagrie and from a very good Darlington band called 2 Many Units.

All the photos here.

And here.

And here.

Which is why was great that several flickrites turned up - Topsy, Pickersgill Reef and Scuola di Atene - as J said later, you couldn't move in the place for competitive photographers or poets. ( Well, she put it slightly more er...candidly than that actually...)

Topsy gave me this arrow from his Quiver as well. He'd mentioned it on the blog the other day and now I have my own. Expect it to appear at significant moments...

The rest of yesterday ( and I think probably what remains of today) was spent completely restoring my main PC system which went Blue Screen on me yesterday morning. Bless Bill Gates for inventing the ASR system - and curse him for having such an unstable/vulnerable operating system as Windows XP in the first place. ( One of these days I'm going to go Linux or Mac and have done for good.) Oh - and thank goodness I had the sense to do a half decent back up in the first place. ( Remember kids - try this at home...)

Note the huge amount of displacement activity in my life at the moment. I'm really quite nervous about the chemo tomorrow - I mean, I know I want it and I'm sure that I'll cope with it. It's just the unknownness of it all - volunteering to be poisoned on the grounds that your poisoner assures you that it will make you better. Ho hum.

But thanks so much for all the good wishes.

Chemo Go Ahead

I saw Dr Coxon this morning and reported that the night sweats had stopped a while ago. On the basis of that, my chemo can go ahead on a weekly basis, starting this Thursday.

The Chemo Unit at the hospital has that cheery Dunkirk Spirit atmosphere that I find so difficult but both Deborah and Sandra the Unit Managers/Sisters were really friendly and helpful and Deborah spent a while explaining the treatment and the side effects to me. The treatment will be every Thursday for 24 weeks ( I can take weeks off but they're added onto the end) and will take about an hour each time.

I knew about most of the possible side effects already from seeing Dr C last time but the new information was to do with avoiding infections - not just coughs and colds but also from food. I must avoid blue cheese, pate, cream ( unless I know that it's very fresh ) and reheated food. ( You can see where this is coming from ) Oh - and no kebabs...

But no problems with head and foot massages and I can exercise as much as I feel able to. J and I also talked about seriously investigating complementary therapies now - as much as anything so that I can feel that I'm in control of this in some way. It is ironic that today I think I probably feel the fittest and most upbeat I've felt since the op - and who knows how I'm going to be in a week's time. ( Of course, it could be that I'll have no side effects. Now wouldn't that be great! )

I'm glad it's all sorted - and I'm happy that it's going ahead. After all the knife edge stuff of the last few weeks, I can also do a bit of planning now - like the weekend break J and I have been talking about for weeks.

It's a lovely sunny day out there ( none of yesterday's snow settled) so I think I'm going to go for a walk.

Anemone

This is the poem I wrote a few days ago about my stoma and the bag and all the problems I was having. Hopefully it's a thing of the past now, but it should have its place here.


Stirred memory

Itches

The anemone bathing

In warm shallows of recovery

Empties lava in to a boiling sea

Blind shadows in the depths

Disturbed.

The sea slug dribblesears across my stomach

Follows gravity

Down the scar tracks

Seeps into my underwear

Burning burning

I remove the pad

Force myself competent

Douse the fire

Remember

Michael

Who pooed his grey flannel shorts

In the playground when we were seven.

Success!

OK - I'm going to go for this and take the chance by declaring the new two-piece bag a success! I changed the baseplate myself 5 hours ago and all seems just fine. It was a bit different to fit - maybe a bit more fiddly - but also quite a bit more tolerant of my ineptitude.

I'm so pleased.

A nice stayover last night with R & C my ex-parents-in-law in South Yorkshire. Since the end of my marriage 6 years ago, we've kept in touch and are still very close. I've kept them a little bit at arm's length since my op just because, well, you have to draw a line somewhere. But they've been very concerned about me and wanting to come up and see me/(look after me... ) for ages so I thought that the best thing to do was a brief trip to see them so that they could see that I am basically OK.

My longest drive so far ( two and a half hours ) which went fine - no real discomfort at all. Warmly welcomed by hugs, a lovely meal and a good helping of whisky, we had a great evening catching up. I enjoyed being with them and I think they were reassured about me as well. We've planned that they'll come up to stay in a month or so's time so that R can help me with getting the backyard sorted for the summer.

I slept well ( the whisky...) and drove back at lunchtime today, calling in to Tescos on the way home to do my first proper ( non-internet) grocery shop since I came out of hospital. It was quite tiring and I still feel quite vulnerable with crowds of people but I'm pleased to have done it.

To celebrate I rewarded myself with the Completely Unnecessary Purchase of a portable colour TV/DVD for my bedroom...

...and while I was installing it later, the snow came down. It is April isn't it..?

And now, it's 8.00pm ( Great to look out and see that it's not completely dark yet) and I'd better go and get something to eat.

Then an earlyish night with the new telly beckons...

Two-piece sweet!

s'OK - I'm running out of puns...

Well - everything crossed but the new two-piece bag is doing very well indeed so far. Comfortable and reassuring - it's just so great to not feel that I have to worry about it all the time. I walk better and my back doesn't hurt so much because I stoop less. Of course the next big test is on Saturday when I have to change the baseplate for the first time.

To celebrate/show off I spent most of the afternoon up in town - shopped a bit ( the new Morrissey CD) and then to the cinema to see the new Harrison Ford film "Firewall". I'd seen the the trailer for the film last week and it looked good.

Don't bother.

The trailer was the most exciting thing about it, it turned out - and contained the entire plot, apart from the holes you could drive a truck through.

Tea in the pub and then home. In spite of the cinema disappointment, it's been a good day.

Oh and this morning I got a call from the nurse at the Chemotherapy Unit. Will I go in to see Dr Coxon on Monday? This is it then - decision time…

Off to stay over with my ex parents-in-law in Doncaster tomorrow night. Back Saturday.

Two Piece Suits?

After two more uncertain “willitwontit?” days with the bag I wasn’t going to my appointment with Sue the Stoma Nurse this afternoon with much optimism and sure enough, as I pulled into the carpark at the hospital I felt that old familiar burning sensation…

Ostensibly the reason for the appointment was to try a two-piece bag that some one ( I from Beating Bowel Cancer I think) had recommended but I was pretty miserable when I got in to see her and just sounded off about the whole situation with the bag.

She was, of course, brilliant. Soothing, calming and knowledgeable. She had a really good look at the stoma ( amazing that people do this for a living!) and decided that it’s actually something to do with the shape that’s the problem. So she fitted a special two piece bag with a kind of compression ring on it and suggested we review next week.

Now I know ( and you know ) how desperate I am for this to work but as soon as she put it on it felt very different - sure enough, a little more cumbersome, ( I can deal with that) but nonetheless much more comfortable and well, trustworthy.

It’s an hour later and it still feels good.

I’ll report back tomorrow.

Weekend

A quiet, almost boring weekend. But I think that's probably A Good Thing. Shows I'm getting better.

I certainly found that I was beginning to get my work/networking head together for the new job - a few notes and ideas. Felt good. I gave A my new boss a call this morning as it's my official start day and ironically he's off sick today! Will speak to him later in the week.

The other thing I did yesterday was to draft a letter to Mr Bain my consultant, explaining how debilitating the bag problems are and asking him ( as my main consultant) for his advice. The idea had come up in the session with J my counsellor on Friday as a way of getting them to understand the distress this causes me. If things don't improve by midweek ( I've got a Stoma Nurse appointment on Wednesday anyway) I'll send it off. Very therapeutic to write it anyway.

I changed the bag as scheduled yesterday morning, and apart from a little bit of stinging ( usually a sign of leakage) the damn thing has actually held! ( Sod's Law again!) Too early for celebrations yet though I think. It also inspired ( if that's the word) a new poem yesterday - once it's a bit more polished, I'll post it here. More therapy.

Aftermath

No - it's OK, we didn't wreck the place at the Farewell Meal last night. The Copthorne is still intact. This is the warehouse opposite - it suffered a major fire a week ago.

A really nice meal and very sad to say goodbye to such good friends and colleagues as M and K - but I know we'll keep in touch. I drank far too much but both the bag and I behaved ourselves. But I was very glad I'd booked a room for the night - my head was not good this morning...

So. April. A lot happening this month. Chemo starting soon I hope. Maybe my last month off work - I wrote to my new employers yesterday suggesting 2 May as a target date for starting with them properly provided I can manage the chemo etc. I just need something to aim for.